angellacy23's Journal

...I'm what an anorexic fears... Mood

Thursday, June 12, 2008 | A Sad story

I went to lunch with my sister today I certainly did not want to do that because of her weight loss and before we left my gram said to her your eating again? Your going to gain back all that weight you lost and her reply was no I won't I don’t eat a lot anymore. So of course that made me even more upset and so I told myself to just try to control myself at the buffet and I did I had only 1 plate and I was fine I hated myself for eating it but im glad I didn’t eat more then that. Then we got back and my dad came up and I had to go over to grams house for a second and I still had clothes in my apartment I told her to throw them out because nothing would fit me and she touched my stomach and said yeah you’ve gained some weight! Thanks gram for making me more upset. Just last week shes telling me to eat more..i don’t know….so then I went to the mall I saw my friend I hadn’t seen in some time and hugged her we talked for an hour and then I went to the bookstore well to hot topic tried a shirt on it didn’t fit so that upset me even more so then went to the bookstore and this girl came over and said you cant find any good journal these days can you? And I said no you cant so she said something about hers are for therapy and something about an eating disorder…I wish like hell I had said me to or something….just something I always wish I could say something but I never do. why? Am I ashamed to say im bulimic? Yes because I don’t feel like I am. Im not ashamed to say I have an eating disorder to im fat but i have one. This thought has been crossing my mind lately I'm what an anorexic fears! Im fat im what they don’t want to be. Anyways I got housing for school and I cant wait to go back to being alone and just isolating myself I can starve myself so much easier because mike wont be watching me and I wont feel like im compelled to eat with him and I will work my ass off at the fitness center and I am going back to the gym tomorrow… So yeah an update….other then that at my last therapy appointment I told her I had pills and thoughts and my note ready so I don’t know…