seawench2005's Journal

   I have trouble falling asleep.  Because, my brain just won't shut-up.  Trying Benedryl tonight.  We'll see.

   But, in my futile attempt to shoot myself, I started to think.  (If only I could do that during the daytime).  I have had fibro for 8 years.  I have not worked full time for 2 years now.  My life has changed dramatically.  But, I have to admit, that on days that I feel good, I can get my housework done, go out, cook dinner.  Like a real life.  Almost like being on vacation!

   If I was healthy, I would have a full time job.  Then I would do that and everything else listed above plus plenty more.  I don't think I could handle the stress.  But, then again, if I was healthy, that stress wouldn't be such an issue.

   If I was healthy, I wouldn't be able to turn down things that are asked of me.  There would not reason why I couldn't go to my husband's brother's son's friend's Bar Mitza (I need help with spelling, no offense intended).

   If we ask ourselves for the truth.  Only between you and yourself, do you ever not want to be well again? 

   Today has been decent.  So was yesterday.  I just have to suck up the first few hours that I am up 

   I don't really have anything profound to say that I think will benefit anyone, so I'm not writing today.  I might change my mind and write again, but for now, I just wanted to have the date on my journal entries updated so I don't look like a slouch.

   I just think that if anyone is going to take the time to read my journal, that they should come away from it with something.  A thought, a smile, a hysterical break out of laughter (that will be one I get my pics on there), a tear.

   I might start using this site more often.  Right now, as much as support as I have, I don't have any relationships with people who know what I mean when I say "I hurt, and I don't want to live like this anymore."  You know I'm not really contemplating suicide.  I'm simply expressing what I want, not necessarily what I will get. 

   They don't get that.  Right away, it's the serious eyebrows knitting together, in your face with a horrified look on their face, "I have to ask you, are you thinking of suicide?"

HELLO!  Did I say I want to die?  NO!  I said I don't want to live like this! 

   It just occured to me that we have a language all our own.  Pain, hurt, depressed, alone, good, great!, and good enough, all have a different definition for us.  Those w/o just can't relate, no matter how much they try.  Kind of makes us an elite club!

   OK, I guess I had more to say than I thought.