Journal Entry for July 18, 2008
July 18, 2008 9:26am
Progress
50 %
JudyWI’s Profile
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JudyWI
is feeling OK
Feeling kind of empty and lost
Recently: 29 journal comments, 29 hugs given more …
About Me
I am 60 yrs old, mother of 1 son who died by suicide last year. I am disabled by severe arthritus, 7 back surgeries with steel rods and plates, kidney disease and gastrointestinal problems. I worked in patient accounting for many years. I am a strong and determined person who tries not to be negative or who gives up easily. I had kidney failure in Jan, but am now off dialysis. We lost our beautiful dog just a few weeks ago, (age 10) so you can see that it's not too much fun being me right now.
Interests
I used to love to read. I loved music, but it seems music died for me when my son died. I don't feel much like doing anything. It does help a little to get out of the house--like just to walk around a store (actual shopping has even lost its' appeal) or having lunch with a friend. My best friend & I have been together since 4th grade--over 50 years!! And she was my sons' godmother, so she shares tears as well as laughs.
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Journal
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Hugbook
Hug
I have been staying up too late and getting up later. I will try to be here earlier just check back. I couldn't sleep last night, could not be sleepy so I played internet scrabble until 1:30 A.M.
Flower
Judy, You are so right about suicide being a total diffrent thing than when your loved one is killed in an accident or by an illness. No matter who you are and how good a parent we were, we always manage to keep asking ourselves, what did I miss? Were the signs there, and I missed them? There is always self doubt, and regret. It is just so important that we do not confuse regret with guilt! I know we loved our kids. I know we were good mom's. There is no doubt in my mind that our sons were not in their right minds at the time they did what they did. I know that in my heart they were just trying to relieve some of their own pain. I have put myself through a lot, trying to deak with Steven's suicide. In my hear and soul, I know for sure that he loved me, and that he knew that I loved him, with all of my heart and soul. I guess we probably will always keep having questions and wonder about things, but we just have to keep the love in our hearts, and fight our way to the time and place, when we can remember the good times, and remember our kids with joy. I know there is so much joy, but it is so hard to reach it sometimes, because the grief and pain just get in the way. Judy, we share this awful bond, suicide! It is awful and I am sorry you have to feel all of the feelings that I do too. BUT I am glad that we have each other to talk to and try to understand about it . I am very thankful for you!. I don't know when the DS site will get my email going again. It is going out, but I still am not recieving ANY email, hugs, alerts, or anything. I miss you. Love,Peggy
I’m With You
Judy, I just came on and I wanted to come by and let you no you will be in my thoughts and praters .I know what your going through and Your not alone Have a safe and peaceful trip Love U Caroline
Hug
Have a great trip and try to relax! Let me know when you are home. Peaceful wishes! Ginger
Hug
Hi Judy!! I've just got a part-time job! - nothing big but a little some thing to get out of the house for a bit. I've been trying to get into a schedule and back to my computer time. I hope you are doing well. You will be in my heart this week. xox
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Photos
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Support Groups
Close Bereavement
Type: Loss of a ChildMy only child, age 37 (son) Jamie committed suicide last July in my basement. He was the light of my life and we were very close. His step father found him and we are both shattered. He was Jamie's chosen best man at his wedding, because he told me "he is the best friend I ever had."
Treatments
- Crying Somewhat Helpful
- Couldn't stop if I wanted to.
- Grief Counseling Somewhat Helpful
- Counselors see me as a strong person and I felt they didn't really understand
- Keeping Busy Somewhat Helpful
- I have major health issues so it doesn't always help--I am disabled
- Music Not Working
- I just can't get into music, used to love it. It seems music died for me when Jamie did
- Pets Not Working
- Our 10 1/2 yr old Lhasa Poo died 2 weeks ago and we are grieving
- Prayer Somewhat Helpful
- I talk to God all the time. Is he listening??
- Psychotherapy Not Working
- Didn't help
- Reading Somewhat Helpful
- Reading books for help with dealing with suicide.
- Remembering Somewhat Helpful
- I go to his grave and take care of it-I know he is not there, but it comforts me--this is all I can do for him
- Support from Friends & Family Working / Worked
- Support comes from unexpected people. Aquaintances become friends.--Close friends become strangers who just don't understand
- Support Groups Too Soon to Tell
- just starting
- Talking Somewhat Helpful
- My husband & I share, but I always cry
- Time Not Working
- 10 months has passed, nothing changes
Close Arthritis
I have severe arthritus in both hands, hips, elbows, feet and just completed some OT/PT treatments which didn't help much. I need to take antiinflammatories but can't because I have kidney disease, so I am really stuck and in pain a lot of the time.
Treatments
- Glucosamine/Chondroitin Somewhat Helpful
- I don't see much change, but will continue with it
- Naproxen Somewhat Helpful
- Had to go off because of stomach ulcers
- Surgery, Knee Replacement Working / Worked
- I have had 7 back surgeries with steel rods and plates
- Tylenol Somewhat Helpful
- I am taking about 2500 mgs daily.--Better with than without it
Open Anemia
Type: Iron Deficiency AnemiaI have been anemic for 4 years, had multiple infusions & transfusions. Worked with a hemotologist, gastroenterologist, GP, etc to try to find the source of bleeding. The last test I had was swallowing a camera that went through the entire digestive system. I had multiple endoscopies and colonoscopies prior to that. Now he found lesions & ulcers in the small intestine and wants to do a double balloon enteroscopy to biopsy them. Thinks I may have Crohn's or ulcerative colitus.
Treatments
- Dietary Modification Not Working
- I increased my protein intake dramatically--didn't seem to help
- Epogen Working / Worked
- I got this when I had kidney failure and it did bring readings up until I went off dialysis
- Folic Acid Too Soon to Tell
- Can't notice a change
- Iron Not Working
- It tore up my stomach something awful
- Vitamin B6 Too Soon to Tell
Open Crohn's Disease & Ulcerative Colitis
I have been anemic for 4 yrs, specialists gave me tons of tests because they were sure I was bleeding "somewhere". My last test was a swallowed camera which showed I had lesions, ulcers, and strictures of the small intestine. On 8/07 I have a double balloon enteroscopy to determine (biopsy) exactly what these are. Dr. Thinks it is Crohn's, may also have ulcerative colitis.
Treatments
- Avoid Certain Foods / Chemicals Working / Worked
- Doesn't help much
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Snapshot
Recently …
- 29 hugs given
- 24 hugs received
- 1 journal post
- 1 discussion post
- 5 discussion replies
- 29 journal comments
- 19 photo comments
