angelblessed626's Journal

The road I have traveled fighting the pain, depression, fatigue and the lack of concentration has been a long one.  I have been this way for almost a year.  Just two weeks ago I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.  I am one of the lucky one's.  Most people with this debilitating illness spend many years waiting for a diagnoses.  Now, on a good day, I can hardly move around my home.  On a bad day I can't get out of bad at all.  I have read all I can on the internet and it is depressing.  Because of my depression I have distanced myself from my family, friends, and also the friends I have here on DS.  For that I am truely sorry.

After all of the years I have been going to therapy, to become whole again, after being held hostage and raped over and over again for four weeks while in my earily twenties and just when I was starting to get my true self back I am struck down with this.  Wasn't the terror and pain I suffered enough?!?  Wasn't it enough when my ex-husband molested my daughters causing us to lose everything we loved.  Wasn't having to sell everything but my daughters cloths and toys, while six months pregnant, just to survive enough?!?  I had to move 800 miles from my hometown just to keep my daughters and myself safe.  Which only lasted a few years until his family found us.  Causing me to, once again, move to an area where I have no family or friends.  Wasn't that enough?!?  How about the time my daughters best friend died in my arms...wasn't that enough?!?  Now, I have to live the rest of my life in this pain caused by the traumas I survived!!  I THINK I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE ANGRY!!!!  Just when I was starting to see and feel the sun at the end of this long tunnel I call my life it was not the sun at all but the head light of a train. 

It started about a week ago.  I noticed my male cat Charlie was losing weight.  I kept an eye on him to see how much he was eating and drinking.  And to see if he used the litter box.  He was drinking very little eating nothing and used the litter box every other day.  I started feeding him with a medicine dosing thingy my daughter used to take her liquid medicine with. I would feed him two teaspoons twice a day of soft food and water.  I did this for a couple of days until he started vomiting anything I would give him.  I called my vet and was told to bring him in.  When I took him in I was told he would not recover and he needed to be put to sleep because he was suffering.  I feel horrible.  Even thought the vet told me I did the right thing. I still feel that if I had taken him sooner he would have had a better chance of living.  I said this to the vet and was told no he never had a chance.  I know in my heart that I did everything I could to save him but it still hurts.  My daughters and I have been crying off and on all night but knowing that he is in a better place makes this whole horrible thing worth it.  We love you Charlie....Goodbye.

Last night I had my mom and uncle over for a dinner that I had spent most of the day preparing.  Everyone was having a great time laughing and telling jokes.  As my uncle was telling us about a camping trip he and my mom had gone on last week he pipes up and tells me he had just found out that I am his blood niece.  He had actually thought I was my mom’s stepdaughter.  He actually thought I was the daughter of the man that abused me.  I am blown away.  I did not know what to say…I am still numb.  Maybe this should not have bothered me like it did but for some reason it really hurt.  I know no one person is to blame for the misunderstanding.   Man, I’m really glad I have my weekly therapy appointment tomorrow morning because I really need to wrap my head around this.