rushfan74's Journal

Sorry...I haven't written much, lately...

BUT, I wanted to THANK EVERYONE for having positive thoughts and prayers sent my way:>) See, good things have happened.  On the plus side, my new job starts the 25th @ Amazon.com.  I know nothing about what I'll be doing & don't really care...I just want a fresh start!  :>)

Even better, our small town bus system, here, does accomodate for even some graveyard hours...why can't Seattle's have done that, fr. the beginning?  I keep thinking of all the $ I could've saved, after all of those unpaid overtime nights...but, mustn't dwell, there...cause, I just want to say, "Thank you, again!" to everyone! :>)

On the homefront, I'm afraid that things have remained oppressive...could be the 98+ heat, could be that right here, humans and pets are all trapped in the house, due to the heat, or it could be that our familial stagnancy continues in our relationships with each other...and has gradually worsened...?

The really down side started last Thursday.  Seems Sis has gotten really "subliminally" testy/guilty, about me getting this job.  She hasn't worked for nearly 8 years, after her depression breakdown, and she gets very self-destructive if you even bring up the subject of working, again (who cares that her counselors keep telling her that she needs to be more mature and responsible, in order to protect herself from the Outside World...let alone, save up enough $ to buy her own health ins., so the folks won't get soaked, in case she needs an appendectomy...). 

So, she's been practicing her "supervisory skills" on Mom, mostly :  "you don't need the living room vacuumed...it's only going to blow dirt, this afternoon, and it'll just get dirty, again.  I wouldn't worry about the pet water being clean...the dog's coming into the house, soon, anyway, so I don't need to check that.  The bathroom towels don't need to be double-rinsed.  Your excema and psoriosis are probably being caused by that medicated shampoo you use.   The floors don't need to be mopped right now, cause everyone keeps tracking through the room..."  Whatever it is, she has a testy, long-winded argument against it, whether it's a simple request for a box of tissues, or getting the laundry out of the dryer when the buzzer goes off. 

Most of the time, I just jump to the work, myself, so Mom won't fret and notice (she's been very depressed, lately, and in a lot more pain...she still refuses to go out in the evenings, like we used to, and I miss the outdoor talks we used to have).  But, I've been busy trying to get my ducks in a row for work, so I haven't kept up on everything. 

Well, Sis and Mom got into it over her unwillingness to do anything that was asked of her, at any given moment...long story short, Sis told Mom off, Mom told Sis off in no uncertain terms, Sis stormed off--properly rebuked--and my Mom cried and got more depressed about Sis being an ingrate.  Me?  I was inwardly livid...but, I stuck to only the barbs that I thought would make a dent w/Sis and told her she needed to grow up. 

Dad, BTW, walked through the event, but--as usu.--didn't want to get involved...only to point out that he was "tired of it all"...well, stand in line and take a number, Dad, cause this is what happens when you continually fail to get emotionally involved with problems, under your own roof...and, support your spouse.

That afternoon, I stonily informed Sis that we would be going to Amazon.com the next day, so that she could fill out an application form and talk to the front desk about the possibility of an interview appointment.  She started to argue that it was going to be around 105 the next day, but she baulked when I gave her "the look," and I just said we'd have to get up early, then, to catch the bus before it got really hot, wouldn't we?...she just nodded and agreed, after that...what else was she going to say?  And, it was hot the next day...we got home just before noon, and it was already 98.  Still, the buses, here, do have great air conditioning...no harm, no foul.

I don't know if Sis will get a job, or not.  I don't care if she's p.o.ed w/the lot of us, or not.  I really don't care that her nose was put out of joint...how dare she make our mother cry, when the woman is in so much pain and depression, already?  It was all I could do, that day, not to call God up and ask Her to wipe Sis off the face of the earth...I know Sis loves her comfortable computer world, but there's a world right at her feet that needs more love and attention, too, from her!  Shame!

But, that's the same-old, same old...still, Sis is going to be 40 and I'm going to be 50, soon...you would think, by then, that "someone" would @ least be trying to get their act together, right?

On my Dad's end of things, he's understandably really depressed about his PAD and has been told to give up the smoking.  Also, in spite of the pain, he's to walk w/Sis and I when we walk the dog, every night.  Apparently, the walking will build up new blood vessels, to compensate for the already damaged ones...so, he's been doing that.  Mom's trying to get him to go back to their cardiologist, as he hasn't been in for an appt. in over 5 years, and he needs an upper-body doppler done, to be sure that there aren't any blockages there...he's responded by chosing not to answer, saying "We'll see," or arguing w/her about it, depending upon his mood.  I see some of his behavior w/fresh, sad eyes, I think...could be my Dad's way of punishing my Mom for their marriage, by chosing a random way of responding, therefore keeping control of how she counter-responds, emotionally...it's the same with the unfinished state of the house, really...and Mom told me, last night, that she feels she's lived too long...then, she couldn't speak, anymore. Neither could I.

Wow, my heart and my soul just hurt all of the time, now...the only family I've ever loved, and we've all come down to this sad distillation...

I've been breaking out and "hiding" on YouTube, lately, last at night, just to hear and see some of my fave tunes/videos...I realize that my heart is starving for comfort, and that beauty seems to have departed from my life...I also feel like I have no beauty to offer to those I love, when they so desperately need it...

I think, just now, that I wish I was smart enough to pull off a lasting, healing miracle.  I don't know what it could be, but I wish I knew enough to pull it off and make it last..

Well, on Thurs., took Sam the stray in to have him checked for v-chip, bad diseases, op. scar, shots, etc.

Turns out, he was v-chipped, but @ a different vet clinic...poor thing had to stay in his pet carrier all day, until his vet's office had called our vet's office and located his owner's number thru the chip...

Well, we took Sam home and fed him and let him run around...with misgivings, I called the owner who seemed nice (but cat-clueless) and arranged for him to take Sam home (he failed to bring a cat carrier of course, even tho he reassured me that he had one and would bring it...).  Sam escaped once, fr. the car, so together--of course--we had to re-catch him and get him aboard...I watched them drive off w/very depressed and mixed feelings...had I done the right thing?  Legally, Sam did belong to this gentleman...but, would he be ok? 

Turns out, Sam lived way north of town...how did he get this far south to our house, this last March?  Poor thing...when I think of his infected, bitten tail and how he cried outside of our windows for food and companionship, when it was so cold, outside...and the little house-tent I made for him, out of Mom's outdoor chair and our old blankets and quilts...

And, Sam had a million dollar personality....so sweet, like a cuddly bear..

It's not like we don't have enough cats around our place already (obviously)...but, Sam was a being w/his own personality...did I do the right thing?  Even now, I feel uneasy...

Well, I think Amazon.com may have hired me, as of yesterday...I am being cautious, because the manager said she would call me when they had "an opening"...but, she also said that she thought it would be w/in a week, or so...I have very little retail experience, but there seems to be 3 weeks of mandatory training, anyway, so they are not throwing me in there, expecting me to just swim and perform miracles...I am so relieved (cautiously!)...I wish to deeply thank the Forces Upstairs, whether this turns out to be win, lose or draw! :>)

Am getting the iron out to press those office clothes!

On the other side of things, the dr. offices finally called my dad back w/ALL of the test results, this time, and with my dad's 1st dr. appt. for the PAD; it will take place next Wed.  Dad's still very upset about all of this, but is forging ahead, now...I don't think this will improve things between he and my mother, but I do think that it proves an old adage:  everyone gets a turn in the barrel...period.

On the pet front, I got our latest kitty (stray) into the vet's, yesterday, 4 testing, etc.  Seems she wasn't v-chipped, but it appears that she has been spayed...

Also, no bad feline leukemia/aids, so there were no grim decisions about where to bury the little one, should she need to be euthanized (ugh...that's a horrible task....no one wants to go through that...nothing but heartbreak, there...still, if she had been infected, she would have infected other neighborhood kitties, as well as Angeline...years back, I lost my 1st cat, George, to feline aids...that taught me that   what's a pandemic to humans can also be a pandemic to pets...best they not suffer).  Anyway, I was greatly relieved that little "Alexis" is disease-free, 'cause Mom and I had been quietly talking about our dr. just disposing of her, should she have tested positive; we couldn't see bringing it home for burial, and then having my dad see that and plummet into a deeper depression...and, anger...

Although, when I got to the office, I'd already decided to steel myself to bringing her home, anyway...seemed only fair that when something that helpless comes to you, begging for a home, the very least that you can do is give it a resting place, in the end...

Today, I took the other stray ("Sam") in...seems he, too, has a neuter scar (no word, yet, on the infectious stuff, but I'm believing that they would have told me that, first, if he'd had it...); seems he has a v-chip, installed from another vet's office...his real name is "Squeak" (he does squeak, instead of meow), and the other vet's office is trying to locate his "family"...I have mixed feelings about whether this will be successful...if the family can't be located, can I have his v-chip removed and have one of ours put in?  Well, I'm getting way ahead of myself...still planning on how to keep these strays safe and warm w/cat&dog housing, this winter, should everyone return to the homestead, here...still, can't stop thinking about this task, at hand...

I hope that everyone is doing ok and not too hot, up here, in the northern hemisphere...we are mostly cloudy/sultry, today, w/occ. HOT SUN! :>0  Sadly, no rain, tho, but that's no surprise...