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kokomokers's Journal

Would've been week 13... Mood

Monday, May 19, 2008

So today was supposed to be one of the "milestones" of my pregnancy....the 13th week, and official start of my 2nd trimester. I should've been happy today, knowing my little bean had survived the hardest trimester. Instead, I spent the day at work secretly seething with jealousy every time I saw my pregnant friend. It's getting really hard for me to see her and NOT feel some amount of that little green monster sneaking up on me. I'm still happy for her, and I know deep down that if either of us had to miscarry, I'd be the stronger one better suited to handle it....not that she's not a strong person, I just honestly don't believe she could handle losing a baby after the stress she put herself under trying to conceive. It's really hard now that she's about 16 weeks and starting to show a little bit. It's just not fair that I had to lose my baby. It hurts so much right now, I just wanna scream. I keep telling myself that it was for the best, and that there had to have been something wrong with the baby for it to not survive, but that's not helping me sleep at night, it's not keeping my jealousy at bay, it's not stopping me from dreaming about the baby or being pregnant every night, and it certainly isn't going to bring my little Sophie back. I just don't know what to do right now. I feel so helpless and alone. I've never felt so empty in my life. I just want this pain to go away.

Hug kokom...

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Comments

Hiya,Im so sorry you're having a hard time of it at the moment,I would have been 13 weeks on the saturday just gone & keep thinking about how I should be feeling this little baby growing inside of me & feel the happiest I ever have in my life,instead Im probably at my lowest point ever.I too am having to put a brave face on it as my sister is having a baby & its due in just under 2 weeks.....this is going to be a huge struggle for me as Im going to have to act so happy for her & hold this little baby in my arms,knowing in 6 months time I should've been holding my own little baby. I think we just have to keep in mind that our time will come & when it does it will be the happiest 9 months of our lives followed by a lifetime of happiness. I really hope you're doing ok,keep strong,as difficult as it is....thinking of you xxx

Cazza82
I know exactly what you mean, I should be 20 weeks today and it all doesn't seem fair. I hope beyond hope that soon I will be happy again. I have never been through anything so trying in my life, just know that we are all here for you. Thinking of you.

4EVERinLOVE