kokomokers's Journal

It's been about 1.5 weeks since I stopped taking the anti-depressants, and I can't believe how much better I feel. I thought they were supposed to HELP me, not make me feel worse!! Anyway, I still feel kinda dizzy (it was pretty bad at first, I think that, along with AF being late, is why I was so convinced I was pregnant last cycle) but it's getting much better and less frequent. I also feel better emotionally...I feel clearer, if that makes any sense. I'm just glad to be off them and back to ttc again....it gives me something to look forward to. It was such a horrible world being on those meds....at one point, I was considering ODing on sleeping pills. I really thought things would be better if I were dead. I know, it's not rational thinking but that's the point I had gotten to. I don't ever want to go there again....I'd rather feel the pain of losing my baby than feeling like I should just die.

Anyway....I had to get a second job. My cat blocked a couple weeks ago (a urethral blockage....most likely ends up fatal if not treated; they can unblock on their own sometimes but it's rare so almost all the time they need vet intervention) and I want to make sure I have enough money in case he blocks again....once they get to 2-3 times, we usually do a surgery to correct the problem. I get a discount at work, but it's still gonna be around 1200 to do. I love my cat, and I'll work as much as I have to for him. So anyway, I'm working at the Christmas store at the mall. It's not too bad....they're flexible on hours, the pay is decent, and it's relaxing :)

I'm also starting my 2ww. I had an LH surge yesterday, so I should be ovulating today or tomorrow, then the wait begins. Hopefully I'll be so busy with my 2 jobs that I won't have time to notice!! I know, it's probably wishful thinking, but it can't hurt to try!! So any baby dust sent my way is greatly appreciated....I'm sure gonna need it!!! And here's lots for everyone else out there ttc!!!

Well I woke up at 3am this morning, so I decided to test anyway....bfn again. I was still having cramps, but they felt different, not like pregnancy cramps but more like first day of AF cramps. I woke up to finally have my visit from AF. I was disappointed, but I'm more relieved that now at least I know for sure and I'm no longer in limbo!! I think it's probably better anyway, first reason being that I'm still on Effexor and I don't know if it would have any effects on a developing embryo. I've read that it's not good in the 3rd trimester, but they don't know for sure its effects on the first and second ones. Second reason AF is good: my bff's wedding is in May, and I'm in it...I calculated my would-be due date if I was actually pregnant, and it was June 2nd....the wedding is May 23rd. I really don't want to sound selfish, but I really don't want to miss her wedding. She's been there for me through everything, and I just want to be there for her. I don't mind being pregnant for her wedding, but I'm really relieved that I won't have to worry about missing it. (Again, I'm really sorry if that sounds selfish of me!!)

I also considered the idea of a chemical pregnancy. I'm not usually late, but I've had so many bfn's that I lost count....wouldn't it have showed up?? At least once anyway!? I really just think that maybe I was more stressed this month than I thought (sounds reasonable....I found out another SIL is pregnant, my antidepressants are making me sick and numb to the world, AND I stressed over ttc more than I wanted to)....I really doubt it was a chemical pregnancy.

Bottom line is....I'm actually okay with it. Sure, I was disappointed to see blood this morning, but it came and there's nothing I can do about it so why stress even more? At least now I know I can load up on the Advil today (lol) because I sure do need it!!! Maybe I'll take a nice long hot bath....that sounds awesome :) Maybe a glass of wine too....hmm, this could be a fun day after all!!!