bryony38's Journal

college has finnished for a week for wit. so i dont have to do much work :)

i have a hospital apptment on june second to see my oncologist for a checkup and am spose be going out with a friend after to the trafford centre ( a huge shoppin centre near man u football grounds) she has hodekins lymphoma and is starting her radiotherapy soon. im very nevous about what the xray shows. it wil  have been 6 weeks since my last appointment coz my doctor is away on a meeting in america i think.  my dad is taking me and mums going to work. i dont want them to worry about me its so horrible!

i didnt go into college today. i woke up at half six and my bus is at half seven n i just couldnt be bothered. not like it matters thought because i already missed 7 months of school whilst being ill, so ive just been sat at home eating, which i shouldnt do coz i realy should be trying to get fit again but i just cant be bothered.

i tried to do some work and was texting a woman i met at my hospital but i have been bored. but all in all i'm doing good

today has been great in college but im kinda worried now, i think i can feel a lump in my nech, which is  a sign of lymphoma. my weight has gone down a little (about 2 pounds) in the past week. i did have a bit of a sleep problem as well, but maybe im just being ridiculous about this, its my biggest fear and somewhere inside of me i feel i am defined by my cancer, i blame it for everything wrong right now, i blame it for my college work because i had to take 6 months off, i blame it for not being in a realationship right now because i wont let my guard down because im scarred of getting hurt or even worse being il and dragging other people with me, and somehow i am convinced i will get sick again its as if i know i am going to be ill and there is no doubt in me to say i will be healthy for the rest of my life but yet i have an unexplained lump and i am trying my hardest to prove to myself i am well and putting it down to something else, i dont know what to do, do i tell people about it do i se a doctor, but what if it is nothing and i get everyone worked up about nothing!!

im soo crazy right now its unbelieveable.