SerireiAi's Journal

My appointment with my counselor was alright. It was just the first session. We discussed about my addicition to benedryl and other medication. We also discussed a little about my sexual abuse past. But I did not reveal much because I just only met her. She is nice lady and seems to be new in the field of counseling. But it okay. I was able to vent some of my feelings but it was different. Counselor set up a goal that I need to open up about my past because she thinks it there more than what I have told her. Yes, it is true there is more that I have not told even to my parents or my future husband. I just at this time not ready to talk about it. I can talk about my sexual abuse with one person that did long term damage to my life to my family and friends. But the others were just too personal for me.

I am feeling sad today because... I did not realize I had more memories coming up in my mind of my past. I also am sad because I feel left out of my graduate program. They are all passing and graduating so easily. In fact most of them say, they passed with flying colors! I felt so disappointed that I did not get that. I guess I did not do a good job as I thought. My chair person was very kind to me to tell me that she disagree with one of the committee members in the program. I cried a lot this morning. I could not bring my heart to cheer for the day. I am disappointed at least I finish editing my papers for the program. I hope this time I will formally pass. I am techically pass but not formally yet. I feel so angry at myself for overlooking minor details of my papers! My feelings are sadder now.... I cannot believe how easily down I feel today.... :-(

I also talked to my counselor about how frusrated that I feel that my family does not really understand the process of PTSD and that there is no cure. But thank god my counselor made a point. She said that you have the right to feel upset because my feelings were not vaildiated. My family made me feel that they minisize the feelings that I have. I will need to educate my family and hopefully when the time is right that I get the counselor to explain more throughly what PTSD does to me.

All I can say right now, I am tired, frusrated and exhausted. I am just glad that I finished my editing on my papers and keeping my fingers cross that it will formally pass.