SaraAirey's Journal

Today I am venting about my writing. So far I have 55 pages written of my first "dark fantasy". It got hard to write during my anxiety because I actually get scared writing it. I have to look back on the things that scared me most when I was a kid- which always entailed something chasing me but not knowing what it was.

 I always had this nightmare that something was chasing me up a gigantic spiral staircase but the whole thing is darkened so I cannot see what it is. My mind never lets itself die in my dreams, so I would always find a tiny opening in the stone wall on my left after getting to the top- right before it gets me. It's a tiny passage that turns a sharp right and just labryinths away from the creature. I think that's because my mind didn't want to even let me see what it was. It always felt so real every time it happened, too. That was the only recurring dream I've had that I can think of.

But I really want to bring that carnal fear into my writing- I just freeze up when I actually start. So far I think most of my novel is crap. I constantly go back and erase what I wrote; up to 4 or 5 paragraphs at a time easily. It's hard for me to balance horror and wit. In survival situations, it can bring out the worst or best in man kind. It's just such a great opportunity to get into our raw emotions and instincts. It's incredible what some will do to save themselves- or others. I know that if I were to be in that situation that I would want to save others first. That's just my nature. I don't doubt this at all. I think it brings out the important things in us. There's no hiding who you are when the whole of humanity is threatened. Everything that people avoided is exposed. I don't know- I just like getting to the point in life and this is just a great genre for me to share my opinions about the nature of our minds and souls without having to waste half the book or more getting to the point.

Well, I'm going to try to write now.

I want to say thanks to everyone who takes the time to read or comment on my journals. I am pretty much mentally exhuasted most of the day, so I try to read journals when I can. But I really appreciate you guys taking the time and I am sorry that I can not keep up like you. I will make a bigger effort, thought because you guys deserve feedback too.

I am alright today. Still progressively conquering my anxiety without meds. I'm fighting depression with happiness (sometimes forced) but soon leads to a clear head. Then I can start being really happy. It's kind of hard to stick with because when I'm in pain or exhausted in the middle of the day and others are expecting me to act normal, it's just plain awkward for me sometimes to pretend like that. But it does seem to serve as a better option than sulking, so I am going to try as hard as I can. I'm making pretty obvious progress, I just have to quit smoking and drinking. It just really inhibits a lot of the progress I could be making.

I had a pretty good time last night with all our friends. They are so talented! My one friend Ed is sooo good at drawing, sketching, painting, and airbrushing. He's only a year or two older than me. He also can bust on the keyboard. His brother Joe plays guitar really well, and can jam on the keyboard with Ed. Ughh. All my talent is with words, which is cool, but I love music and I wish I could play an instrument. It just seems like the ultimate way to express yourself. I'm not even good at writing. I'm sure someday I will be, but no real talent as of now. I guess compassion is my strong point. It gets me a lot spiritually, but "that won't pay the bills" and so I feel inadequete. I feel so often that I am not prepared to go out into the world. I really lack a strong sense of responsibility. I run from problems. I think maybe that's what my anxiety is for. I can't run from something like that, something that causes physical pain and made me think I was definitely dying for more than three months when I was fine. If I let it take me down, I would've become agoraphobic. Then I would never even have anything to run from. I would never be exposed to anything. There's always some sort of meaning behind pain. At least that's what life has shown me so far. I really want to remain an optimist, so I have to keep my mind on a positive note.

I have gotten my mind back to giving normal reactions to emotions and such. I don't let my mind wander to catastrophic thoughts over this pain and that ache. I'm in a good mind set as far as health is concerned. So that's why I'm worried about a new observation I have made. I know that I have been condemned for making my own diagnosis', especially with this anxiety disorder- you can pretty much count on no one really believing you whether it's real or not.

I have been thinking about my self-esteem a lot and recently let my gaurd down to tell my mom. After hearing how I feel about myself, my mom made the observation that I have the self-esteem something of an anorexic person- very self-hating. It's terrible because I was in a counselor session talking about this and I told him that I love anything living on this planet- birds, ants, trees even- more than myself. And he said that when I look in the mirror, or when I'm looking at everyone and everything else that I'm looking at myself. That I am part of that nature I love so much. It made my cry so hard because it was terrible thinking that such a thing could be possible. I mean, even having made that discovery I still can't change this fix my mind has on exterior perfection.

I just CAN"T understand how I accept everyone no matter what they look like, and yet can hate myself so terribly. I guess I never thought of myself as a perfectionist because I don't do well in school and can't keep myself disciplined, I don't keep up on my room that much, and just have always thought that's what a perfectionist would be concerned with. I looked it up and the closest thing to it described that it's normally average to above average looking people who end up with this disorder, and that's why you're afraid of being thought of as vain because how you look is on your mind 24/7 practically. When most girls go and spend lots of time dolling up is because they love what they see in the mirror, and we do it because we are trying desparately just to look acceptable. It's just craziness and I hate it. How do you get over something like that, even when you can make observations about people who have is sooo much worse than you and that you have everything to be grateful for. Even those observations cannot help me.

Well, if anyone read huge thing, thanks and take care.

I just want to be free. Right now I feel like a caged bird. I want to up and leave. I need change. I love my boyfriend to death, but I'm such an idealist. Right now everything in the fiber of my being is telling me to go. Just venture around w/o a second thought as to my situation. You know what, I don't really feel like putting who I am out there to the world. F' it! I've put myself out there too much w/o anything in return. I guess it's just human nature to want a crowd of admirer's instead of one solitary fan. But oh well, so I'm my biggest fan. I wish it were enough for me to not hate myself. I don't know, I'm not doing too well these days. I need to leave.