SilentB's Journal

   I'm sorry that when I write this it doesn't make sense because I'm a little drunk and hungover so I'm sorry.

   Lately I have been smoking pot and drinking and spending most of my time hungover or buzzed and I know I should stop but the feeling I get lets me forgt my life if only for a few hours.  I can't control myself when I'm drunk and I always need someone to keep me in check otherwise I get into trouble. I got drunk a few days ago at my friends house and we invited some guys we didn't even know over and the were cute don't get me wrong, but I was completly smashed and I have never been that wasted before. I was feeling alone and unwanted so I did anything to fill that hole inside me, and that includes letting some guy I didn't know have his way with me. He didn't rape me and we didn't even have sex, and I wanted him to do it. For once, I felt wanted and needed and just the fact that someone wanted me that bad was a great feeling. I don't remember his name, but I remember waking up in my friens living room having no thought as to how I got there.

   Just yesterday I had friends over and we drank in my back yard and stayed up tiil 4 in the morning. I had that exact feeling again and had to fill that gap. I didn't do anything that night, but just him holding on to me made me never want to let go. Teh thing is, no matter how many times I fill taht hole, it'll never actually stay filled. I let anyone take advatage of me whenever they want and never do anything to stop it. I have offically hit rock bottom and now I'm just someitem that any man can just use up then tthrow away with no attachments. I'm glade to be of service, because I'm to th epoint I don't feel anythng and I don't care.

   So it's a long while since I've been on here to update anything, so I just want to fill you in on everyting that has happened in the last few couple of months.

   I had a boyfriend for about three months, and all of a sudden, he decides to break it off, while I was at work. He sent a text to me telling me he didn't want to see me anymore. I tried calling him to ask why, but he ingorned my calls. I tried to reach him for three stright days, but my calls went unanswered. He calls my best friend and tells her he has stopped doing drugs and he can't date me anymore;so basicly he can't be with me unless he's high. I wasn't sad about the breaking up at all really, I just hated that he couldn't tell me why. To forget about all of this, my best friend's birthday was coming up and we decided to get wasted. I get a phone call from my ex saying he wants to come over to also get wasted, which is a little weird being he stated he was off drinking and drugs. He came over like nothing happened, but him being there was too much for me and I was really mad about it. My friends noticed it was pissing me off that he was there so they told him he has to leave. Although he was gone, I was still upset that he came over. But funny thing is now he thinks he has made a mistake. He hasn't asked me back, but I have a strong feeling that he will, only because he wasn't getting anything else, i fyou know what I mean. But the most fucked up part of this is I would consider going back to him. I lost my virginity to him and I kno I can't ever get it back. I gave him something that will always be his and he just flants it around like it's nothing.

   School has just started and it's my senior year, but it feels like nothing different. I thought that my feels and thoughts I have had last year would disapper, but it's like I'm back where I started. I can't focus on anything and I feel like I'm still trapped in that glass box where I can see everything and everyone around me, but they can't see me.

   My brother and his ex girlfriend had a baby, and my parents are so excited about it and I'm disgusted by it! My brother contiunes to fuck up his life and everyone around him, but no one sees it but me. When the baby comes over, it's a completly different world I have no place in it. I feel like I hate the baby, although it's not it's fault.

   My future is very bleak. I don't find college important anymore. I just want to move out of my house and go from there. My parents won't be happy about it, but it wouldn't be th efirst time they've been disappointed in me.

   It's harder to tell my parents about my depression because they yell at me for it. They don't want to hear about my problems at all. I hardly see or talk to them anymore because everytime the come home I just go to my room. They never even ask about me, they just tell me to stop sulking around and suck it up. Believe me, I wish it were that easy.

   I tried to kill myself about a month ago, but I failed at that too. I cut my left wrist and just let it run all over my bathroom floor. My parents were out of town and I thought I could do it then so they wouldn't try and stop me. I fainted for god knows how long and woke up in my own blood, but I wasn't dead. I knew I wasn't going to die, so I wrapped my arm in an old towel and drove to a mec center. I gave some lame story about climbing through a broken window and they bought it I guess. I now have to see a scar everyday and see my failure. I've ben able to hid it and tell some lame story of how it got there.

   So that's everything you've missed since I was gone.