outsidesmallbox's Journal

So this is my first online journal/blog type thing.

I do have a journal at home but I only tend to write it in occasionally (I get distracted easily).

Today has been a more positive day than most for me, although I still have a long way to go.

I set myself a list of tasks I need to get done, including dealing with the problem that I am 10 weeks pregnant and in no fit state to keep a baby.

I'm not too sure what to do, I don't really want to get rid of it (as I have done so once before and it was a painful experience both mentally and physically), but there is also the fact that there is still so much more left to do in my life before I have children.

I also learnt from my mothers mistake. She had me at 18 and felt that she had missed out on so much life, she was constantly finding ways to become younger and that ended up with her developing a drinking problem, depression and eventually lead to her suicide in December of last year, a day before my youngest sisters 7th birthday and just over a week before my 18th.

She was 36.

Back to my problem of being pregnant.

My partner (who is normally quite supportive) has recently received an absolute ear bashing from his mother and has now given me an ultimatum, although not in so many words, it is either him or the baby.

I understand he's not ready, as neither am I really, but it is hard when there doesn't seem to be much of a choice.

I've found it hard to get the motivation to see a doctor, and I know I should, if at least to discuss the options, but I do not want to face it on my own, and my partner can't take anymore time off work.

I am currently out of a job, my last job lasting less than a month.

I left when I found out I was pregnant, as it involved a lot of manual lifting, and at the time I thought I was set on keeping the baby.

Now, with bills piling high and rent even higher I am at a complete loss.

My partner is trying his best to support us, but seems to be getting more and more frustrated at my lack of enthusiasm for finding another job, or leaving our flat at all.

I only ever seem to leave when he is with me, or I become panicky.

I do not have any friends to talk to, as they all abandoned me when I dropped out of school early, they're all now concentrating on getting into their chosen universities.

I find it hard to talk to my Dad, as he has enough problems on his own plate, having to bring up my 3 younger siblings virtually on his own now, and he is quite difficult to talk to at the best of times.

My partner is the only person I really talk to, and even though he has been so amazing for the year and a half we have been together, he finds my problems hard to understand, not having experienced them himself.

I feel this journal and website will help me gather my thoughts more and reflect back on poor decisions and speak with people who are going through similar problems.

It has been a bit of an uplift to see that other people do go through this problems too, and it's not just me that seems to have one bit of bad luck after another.

It would be good to have a friend to share my life with, and maybe this is the place I will find them.