latenightowl's Journal

Well I have never been to court in my life, even when I divorced I managed to steer clear of it.  This year looks like I will go for the triple jump.

Finally I heard that the guy who caused the crash that killed my man is being charged with 2 counts of death by dangerous driving.  This week has been tough as more news coverage in the local press and Mike's colleagues and friends wanting updates and checking that Im okay. 

 I know it is nice but I just kept the curtains closed when the news broke, couldnt sleep Wed night and stayed in bed on Thursday morning - when I finally got up at 1pm I just felt nauseous.  The phone kept ringing and I just watched it.  Here goes the merry go round again.  Went to the police station at 9pm last night and signed my victim statement.  The police liaison officer was kind and caring and gave me as much info as he could.  I dont need to go to the court next week, it will only last 5 - 10 mins he assures me and the guy will hear that his case is being referred to crown court.  But then one of Mike's friends today said she was going and made me feel bad - but I cant face the reporters, and police have assured me they will be there, so Ive said no, Im not going and will hide away somewhere - I was thinking of going to the suffolk coast and just walk, and walk, and walk.

I went to Canada and the states for nearly 3 weeks and just got back monday.  I managed to have all my travel docs stolen and the consulate were cross that I didnt appear shocked or concerned.  Lady, I said, if you had my life at the moment, then you would understand that this is all part of the inconvenience and disasters - nothing more can preturb me (except the horrid pass port photo that the canadians did of me - thank god it is only temporary!).  So I had to send emails of evidence that I had been planning the trip to see my good old school friend who is a nurse and married to a doctor.  The emails were all about getting away from this so when the consulate saw me - they were a little softer thank god and a bit more understanding.  Still what a hassle eh, even my licence and airline tickets all gone - thank god for internet and e-bookings and email that managed to save the day.

Anyway I must have done a round trip of 5000 miles from toronto to leamington then up to the bruce penninsula onto the ferry and up to sudbury then over to michigan to whitefish point lake superior then down to lake michigan and detroit then to toronto.  All the time going north I felt free and at one with myself.  All the birds were migrating south and in one day I saw over 1000 hawks flying south - so beautiful.  Then as I went south I felt sad cos I knew I had to come back to this and back to reality.  If I had the time I would have just kept driving north! til the road ran out.  I know what I was doing.  I was running away.  I know it, and I just couldnt run away from all of this but for a week of it I did, and it was so liberating.  I just want to be normal.  I just want to feel settled and yet I feel like a caged animal - it is aweful.

Anyway staying with my mate was great, we talked all day and all night like good school girls do and we both tried to put all the wrongs of the world right.  It was hard to leave.

Of course two days before I went on the holiday my employer told me they didnt need me.  I think I put that more subtle than what they did.  So now Im in discussions with another solicitor about that.

So, this year looks like crown court for the criminal case, civil court for the compensation case for the loss of Mike, and Employment tribunal for work.  Phew, even I didnt think that I could manage that all at once!  I was shocked to hear last night from the police that the criminal case will probably take 2 weeks.  for some reason I thought only a few days - so naive arent I.

So sleep is evading me,  I cant think about another job cos Im lacking so much self esteem and confidence due to crappy employers at the moment (just when you need support from them too - although I must say that my dear friends at work ring me every day to check on me and have a chat - bless them all - I am soooo truely grateful for their thoughts and kindness)

I truely try to think as to what else can go wrong - and I keep reading sad stories so that I feel grateful that only this is happening to me and there is somewhere in this world others so much more worse off.  Just trying to keep a perspective on things.....and of course I seem to be praying more to that big man in the sky (although the local church doesnt know that!).

Heres to next week and what it will bring