Rosebud777's Journal

This morning when I went to the bar...(I clean this bar everyday, before I start my own work) the owner was there when I got there...Putting security cameras in. I kinda freaked alittle inside until he informed me the till has been off for the last couple of weeks. He informed me it was never off when I tended bar...A thief I am not...but got me thinking...I think there may be people that resort to that. My God....I don't ever want to resort to that. All the more reason I need to face the fact I have an addiction that I need to deal with. Anyway...every morning when I am done cleaning...my routine is to get 20 or so pull tabs from the bartender before I leave. Sometimes spending up to 100.00 or more just to get that high of pulling a big winner. Well, this morning I looked at the container of pull tabs and was sickened at the thought of how many years these things controlled my life. I walked out and thought about what I would do with the money I almost threw away again. I would love to have that same feeling everytime I see a pull tab. I thanked God today........

Well, after being up all night and not being able to face a man that I work for...I wrote him an e-mail, telling him how sorry I was for my actions yesterday. This is not the first time in past months that I had to tell him that. And Thank God, he was very understanding again, I told him I was seeking help and to bear with me. That was hard to do. He was happy that I decided to seek some help. I feel terriable today, and I did'nt go to work today...(Thank God...I am the boss of a small Company)...I had today to clear my head alittle, but the guilt is there yet.

I played about 2000 pull tabs on my good credit at a bar I work at. I need to now pay it back...about 800.00. I can not face the bar owner today. He is very understanding...and I know he is worried about me. I was up most the night...thinking about how weak I am.