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OK, I'll give a brief background - if anyone wants the more indepth stuff, just ask, I really need someone to talk to on this issue..
I have a 5 month old daughter. I was with her father for a few months and it was one of those whirlwind romances, where you're head over heels in love and not thinking right. He was asking me to have his child, I thought I never would so I decided to try with him - well suprise, my dr was wrong and I could get pregnant. I was ecstatic.. he however, left me about a week after we found out - for the first 2 months he was ok with things, and would come around and we were talking about getting back together - then he started beating me while I was pregnant.. I ended up in the hospital a few times, and my pregnancy turned more high-risk. I decided not to let him beat me, and left him... until October when he started going to childbirth classes with me- I moved in with him and his family in November (they were close to the hospital and my parents - who i was living with - lived about 45 mins away) He assured me I would have a ride to the hospital when I needed it. I spent a week in the hospital before I had her with kidney infection/kidney stones.. he was there every minute i was, he was great... then when I had her, he was amazing. I gave her his last name (which i regret now) and he's on the bc... two weeks later, i find out he's cheating on me and move back with my parents.. things go downhill from here. I try to still let him see his daughter, but he always cancelled plans..
So finally, I told him that if he really was serious about being there for her, he could take her overnight, one night a week (since we lived sorta far) At first I was sending everything with - formula, clothes, diapers, wipes, etc etc His first visit was the middle of january - between then and the end of february he had beated me twice when i came to pick her up, not showed up, or showed up late every time, threatened me, and then eventually kidnapped her at the end of february - told me i would never see my daughter again... i went immediately and filed a writ of habeas corpus - court was 3 days later, I had also filed a custody petition and a family offense. At our first hearing at the end of February, the judge granted me a temporary order of protection - lasting through august.,,, but because him and i had signed a written agreement, although it wouldnt hold up as a court order, she saw that i was trusting enough to have overnights, plus thats what kianna was used to - so she just kept what we originally had and gave us a chance to get a lawyer - will said he wanted to have some time to hire his own lawyer,thinking that she would allow him to keep kianna until the next court date - that didnt work... also at this first court date (he had swore up and down he wasnt seeing anyone for the last 2 months but i knew better) so he brought her, the gf, to testafy against me. a girl i had never met, and didnt even know she existed! Anyway, that was great...
Between this court date and the next, he showed up late, and almost everytime the gf was with him - one time she wasnt and he tried to beat me again, and so I smacked him across the face - he drove off with our daughter like a mad man... it was icy out and i was scared for her...
Next court date - I had a lawyer and he didnt. She changed the agreement from 2 overnights to 1 because it was really hard on Kianna... also gave him a wednesday visit from 5-8 PM..
Between these last 2 court dates, him and the gf broke up, him and i were getting along for once, it was really nice... also I moved from NY to PA... So, we go to the April court date - and he finally had a lawyer. His lawyer asked that the petitions be dismissed... because we now both are residents of pa. my lawyer asked for a continuation for the temp order beacuse without it, it would be impossible for him and i to agree on something fair, and there needs to be custody established - she set a pretrial for may 14th (this coming wednesday) If my lawyer can prove jurisdiction, then we will be able to keep it in NY, go to trial and have this done and over with. he told me in the meantime, in case it does get moved to file in PA, which I did..
On the 5th we had a child support case - that was dismissed and the judge said even if he hadnt dismissed it he would only be ordered to pay 25/month!!!!! THAT IS CRAZY.
So I talked to my lawyer this wednesday.. he said it is probably going to get dismissed - and that they might try to settle, told me write up something that I can live with but that i also think that Will will settle for... he said if i think it would be ok for kianna give more time than i actually want him to have, and then when he doesnt show up i can prove to a judge in pa that he doesnt care.
I think he actually has a new gf or something because now all the sudden he doesnt even care about his daughter - he used to always want to spend time with her... now ive asked him for the last two weeks if he wants extra time and he says no.
I was supposed to go to a parenting class today - it was court ordered in pa.. in order to get the date for the custody hearing. I missed the bus and didnt make it so I'm hoping they can reschedule me -- Will was supposed to pick her up last night instead of this morning.. I asked him 2 weeks in advance. He said fine - and then on Tuesday I asked him what time he was picking her up and if he still could. he gave me a line about not having a ride and all this stuff so I said I would find a way to drop her off and he just got angry so I could tell he was lying. On wednesday he didnt show up for his visitation - but he mom came to pick her up and said he was too busy to come get her..... :( Its really starting to break my heart that he's stopped caring about her!!!
Anyway when she camed I asked why she wouldnt bring Will to pick up Kianna - she of course knew nothing about it.. and said she could pick her up and Will would watch her. He called me last night to tell me he wouldnt be watching her because he wanted to go out to the club instead of having to "deal with her" on his only night off.
I know I shouldnt, but ever since we were together, I check his voicemail, we have each others passwords... there was a message from his mom this morning with my daughter crying and screaming in the background... saying he better get his ass home or his dad is coming to look for him.
MY POOR DAUGHTER.
My lawyer told me that if the case gets dropped, the temporary order goes away... which means he doesnt have visitation but I also wont have custody so i need to make sure he doesnt take her because he doesnt have to bring her back. What I want to do is make sure he can't keep doing this... like leaving her with his family and saying he doesnt want to deal with her.... but I'm scared if there's no visitation that he will come after me, hurt me if I leave, etc.
What do I do?! can I bring this stuff up in court in hopes that the judge will listen to me, instead of just dismissing it? I mean if he's just doing this to "win"...Oh I forgot that part - his ex (the one he brought to court) has been calling me and she said she had to file for a restraining order on him because he was beating her too...and also, said that he told her he doesnt care about me or "that baby" all he wants is to prove to me hes in control and he can "win"
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?~!!?!?
Ugh, someone help to keep my heart from breaking for my poor daughter. I just wanna keep her safe, and happy.
Theres so much more too, like how hes never taken her to one dr appt. or all the times she was in the hospital he said hed take her and never showed, i had to take her on the bus last time.. in the rain and she was sick... then wait in the rain for over an hour for the bus back.... :( I'm just so sick of his empty promises...
I have a 5 month old daughter. I was with her father for a few months and it was one of those whirlwind romances, where you're head over heels in love and not thinking right. He was asking me to have his child, I thought I never would so I decided to try with him - well suprise, my dr was wrong and I could get pregnant. I was ecstatic.. he however, left me about a week after we found out - for the first 2 months he was ok with things, and would come around and we were talking about getting back together - then he started beating me while I was pregnant.. I ended up in the hospital a few times, and my pregnancy turned more high-risk. I decided not to let him beat me, and left him... until October when he started going to childbirth classes with me- I moved in with him and his family in November (they were close to the hospital and my parents - who i was living with - lived about 45 mins away) He assured me I would have a ride to the hospital when I needed it. I spent a week in the hospital before I had her with kidney infection/kidney stones.. he was there every minute i was, he was great... then when I had her, he was amazing. I gave her his last name (which i regret now) and he's on the bc... two weeks later, i find out he's cheating on me and move back with my parents.. things go downhill from here. I try to still let him see his daughter, but he always cancelled plans..
So finally, I told him that if he really was serious about being there for her, he could take her overnight, one night a week (since we lived sorta far) At first I was sending everything with - formula, clothes, diapers, wipes, etc etc His first visit was the middle of january - between then and the end of february he had beated me twice when i came to pick her up, not showed up, or showed up late every time, threatened me, and then eventually kidnapped her at the end of february - told me i would never see my daughter again... i went immediately and filed a writ of habeas corpus - court was 3 days later, I had also filed a custody petition and a family offense. At our first hearing at the end of February, the judge granted me a temporary order of protection - lasting through august.,,, but because him and i had signed a written agreement, although it wouldnt hold up as a court order, she saw that i was trusting enough to have overnights, plus thats what kianna was used to - so she just kept what we originally had and gave us a chance to get a lawyer - will said he wanted to have some time to hire his own lawyer,thinking that she would allow him to keep kianna until the next court date - that didnt work... also at this first court date (he had swore up and down he wasnt seeing anyone for the last 2 months but i knew better) so he brought her, the gf, to testafy against me. a girl i had never met, and didnt even know she existed! Anyway, that was great...
Between this court date and the next, he showed up late, and almost everytime the gf was with him - one time she wasnt and he tried to beat me again, and so I smacked him across the face - he drove off with our daughter like a mad man... it was icy out and i was scared for her...
Next court date - I had a lawyer and he didnt. She changed the agreement from 2 overnights to 1 because it was really hard on Kianna... also gave him a wednesday visit from 5-8 PM..
Between these last 2 court dates, him and the gf broke up, him and i were getting along for once, it was really nice... also I moved from NY to PA... So, we go to the April court date - and he finally had a lawyer. His lawyer asked that the petitions be dismissed... because we now both are residents of pa. my lawyer asked for a continuation for the temp order beacuse without it, it would be impossible for him and i to agree on something fair, and there needs to be custody established - she set a pretrial for may 14th (this coming wednesday) If my lawyer can prove jurisdiction, then we will be able to keep it in NY, go to trial and have this done and over with. he told me in the meantime, in case it does get moved to file in PA, which I did..
On the 5th we had a child support case - that was dismissed and the judge said even if he hadnt dismissed it he would only be ordered to pay 25/month!!!!! THAT IS CRAZY.
So I talked to my lawyer this wednesday.. he said it is probably going to get dismissed - and that they might try to settle, told me write up something that I can live with but that i also think that Will will settle for... he said if i think it would be ok for kianna give more time than i actually want him to have, and then when he doesnt show up i can prove to a judge in pa that he doesnt care.
I think he actually has a new gf or something because now all the sudden he doesnt even care about his daughter - he used to always want to spend time with her... now ive asked him for the last two weeks if he wants extra time and he says no.
I was supposed to go to a parenting class today - it was court ordered in pa.. in order to get the date for the custody hearing. I missed the bus and didnt make it so I'm hoping they can reschedule me -- Will was supposed to pick her up last night instead of this morning.. I asked him 2 weeks in advance. He said fine - and then on Tuesday I asked him what time he was picking her up and if he still could. he gave me a line about not having a ride and all this stuff so I said I would find a way to drop her off and he just got angry so I could tell he was lying. On wednesday he didnt show up for his visitation - but he mom came to pick her up and said he was too busy to come get her..... :( Its really starting to break my heart that he's stopped caring about her!!!
Anyway when she camed I asked why she wouldnt bring Will to pick up Kianna - she of course knew nothing about it.. and said she could pick her up and Will would watch her. He called me last night to tell me he wouldnt be watching her because he wanted to go out to the club instead of having to "deal with her" on his only night off.
I know I shouldnt, but ever since we were together, I check his voicemail, we have each others passwords... there was a message from his mom this morning with my daughter crying and screaming in the background... saying he better get his ass home or his dad is coming to look for him.
MY POOR DAUGHTER.
My lawyer told me that if the case gets dropped, the temporary order goes away... which means he doesnt have visitation but I also wont have custody so i need to make sure he doesnt take her because he doesnt have to bring her back. What I want to do is make sure he can't keep doing this... like leaving her with his family and saying he doesnt want to deal with her.... but I'm scared if there's no visitation that he will come after me, hurt me if I leave, etc.
What do I do?! can I bring this stuff up in court in hopes that the judge will listen to me, instead of just dismissing it? I mean if he's just doing this to "win"...Oh I forgot that part - his ex (the one he brought to court) has been calling me and she said she had to file for a restraining order on him because he was beating her too...and also, said that he told her he doesnt care about me or "that baby" all he wants is to prove to me hes in control and he can "win"
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?~!!?!?
Ugh, someone help to keep my heart from breaking for my poor daughter. I just wanna keep her safe, and happy.
Theres so much more too, like how hes never taken her to one dr appt. or all the times she was in the hospital he said hed take her and never showed, i had to take her on the bus last time.. in the rain and she was sick... then wait in the rain for over an hour for the bus back.... :( I'm just so sick of his empty promises...
Comments
Oh my....my heart goes out to you hun...I am so sorry you are going through this...do you have family support of any kind? You can get custody and also a restraining order if you need to...if your lawyer is telling you otherwise then I suggest you get another lawyer....I wnt through the same thing when I divorced my first husband...when I left my 2 girls were almost 3 yrs and youngest was only 2 weeks old....I fild for custody and divorce in the same day...plus got a restraining order with no problem. Once you have full custody he won't be able to kidnap her and get away with it...my ex took my oldest out of my home one evening and rove 30 mins away to his mother's and he was drunk...I was scared to death...I called the police...they found him and called me to come get my daughter....when I got there he had been arrested and was sitting in the cop car.
You need to do what is best for your little girl...to protect her. My girls have not seen their biological father in years....they are now 18 and 21...oldest remembers him and can't stand him...youngest one has no memory at all of him...good thing...he is a drug addcit and alcoholic and beat me every day for 4 years...even during my pregnancies...it was really bad...I am glad I got out. When my girls were 3 and 6 I met a wonderful man and we married a year later.
My husband and I are rasing my 21 month old grand daughter now...we've had her since she was only 10 days old...my oldest girl was only 18 at the time and suffered severe post partum depression and was in denial for months....however she did finally get help...she also has since had a baby boy now 6 months old and is doing awesome. We have full custody of my grand daughter and we will be adopting her. My daughter is doing the best for her...she has agreed that her daughter is best if she stay with us because it's the only home she has ever known. They have an excllent and very close relationship. We want to adopt because I know down the road when she starts school she is going to have alot of questions...she will find out that this living situation is not the norm and will ask questions...and we will answer them truthfully and honestly....but we also want to protect her from her so called father. He has the mental capacity of a 13 year old...he has alot of issues...and also he tested psoitive for cocaine and crystal meth back in december during the custody hearing....that did not go over well with the judge at all...she was disgusted...and even went as far as to tell us that his vistation was entirely up to us...she wasn't adding in any visition to the order. My husband and I get along great with the other grandparents...they're awesome people...they are disgusted at their son's behavior also...they even told us they would testify for us in the adoption hearing...he doesn't have much of a leg to stand on...he can't hold a job...the drug use...and he's on welfare and pays no child support...he has only apid 3 times in 21 months...pretty sad...but this is what we want to protect her from.
I just wanted to tell you a bit of my story to let you know you are not alone and I know how you feel. You need to protect your daughter....just like I had to with my 2 girls and now I am doing the same for my grand daughter...I have been through hell and back...I am also a Cancer survivor...twice...in 1997 and again in 2001...and there's a reason I am still here...I was meant to be here for my grand daughter. This has made me a stronger person....and it will make you stronger too. You have to put your foot down with your ex and be firm and hold your ground with him...don't let him get away with anything....might also be a good idea to keep a journal on when he does actually see her...and when he says he is and doesn't follow through with a visitation....make sure you put down dates and what happens. There really is no reason for a 5 month old baby to have over night vistation...she's just an infant...and if you don't want her to be out overnight then I suggest you tell the judge this and make notes for your lawyer...just do the best for you little girl...once you do that the rest will come easy to deal with. I hope I have helped you in some way to become more at ease with things....please don't hesitate to contact me..I am here for you anytime dear. Sorry this is so long...I can be quite the chatterbox...lol..I am looking forward to hearing from you...please take care of yourself and God Bless you sweetie! *hugs*
KathyAK