kimahri1113's Journal

There is so much stuff wrong in my life that I don't even know where to start.  I know I know...instead of looking at the negative I should look at the positive.  I can tell you that positive thoughts are not going to help me.  I hate my job, I hate my situation, I hate the path I've chosen...everything I have ever done I hate.  Except building my car...but that is not the point.  I haven't done one thing in my life to contribute to society, therefore my existance is completely moot.  It means nothing.  I never have, currently don't and never will feel the urge to make somebody else happy.  That is just how I am.  If I am not going to help anybody else, why should I be here? 

Also something I believe to be causing me so much heartache is the fact that the world sucks.  There is so much violence and selfishness.  Nobody gives a crap anymore.  People die every day.  The price of everything is skyrocketing.  Reality is cold and harsh, to everybody, all the time.  I don't want to live in this kind of troubled world.  I hate to see people and animals suffer, and it's only getting worse.  I realize that I may sound self contradictory there by saying I feel sorry for people but I don't want to help anybody out.  They aren't the same thing.  Yeah, I'm sorry it sucks for you, but I can't help.  That is the way I look at it.

I can't concentrate anymore.  Everything is just a blur and I am very forgetful.  I couldn't even remember 3 things on a list today at the store.  It is getting worse.  I just don't know what to do anymore.  I am out of options.  The ER is out of the race, so is MHMR...the only way left is with cold hard cash, and that is something that is very scarce for me, and will be so for a long time to come.

Sigh...there is this deep dreadful feeling through out my body but I can't explain it any type of comunication.  I can't type it, I can't say it, I can't draw it....I just don't know how to get it out.  Maybe I never will....I just wish I never would have been born. 

Things always seem to get better, like I'm actually going to start moving forward in my life, but it never fails that something has to come along and ruin it, set me back to sqaure one.  My mom, step dad and I moved into this house in January of this year.  It is a decent house, though it's old, it is still a hell of a lot better than that appartment we were staying at.  The bad things about this house are that it is owned by my grandparents (mom's parents) and the rent is outrageous.  Also, the cockroaches are pretty disgusting.  Other than that though, it's a good place to live.  If you will recall, I have been working for my grandparents for the past several months on their farm where they live.  Since the first day I started going out there, I hated it because of the way I was treated and how they made me feel.  With their passive aggressiveness and guilt trips, they controlled me completely, like a pupet.  They would do things like buy me new tires for my car and give me "incentives" to add to their manipulation.  The farm "job" wasn't even that at all...it wasn't like a real job where you go to work, do your time and leave.  You know, there is no attachments to any of your co-workers or bosses or anything.  You aren't connected to them in any way other than at your job.  This farm thing wasn't like that.  Even though they spent the whole day talking to me while I was there, they deemed it necessary to call and talk for hours more after I left.  Pretty much every word they spoke was something extremely manipulative, such as "We bought you tires for your car, but that's ok....we wanted to.  You don't have to worry about it..." but they clearly weren't serious.  Constantly things like that were said in that passive agressive manor.  Well anyways...after about three months of dealing with this every day, I had enough.  I just didn't go out there on Monday (Memorial Day) or Tuesday or yesterday.  I just didn't go...no phone call to them or anything.

Now, before I go on anymore about that, let me back up and explain something else.  When we moved in here, my grandparents told my mom that they would not bother her.  They had a bunch of problems in their past when my mom was a little girl and she said that she did not want them over here everyday causing her more stress.  They agreed.  They said they would not call or come over for any reason unless something was wrong, or if she asked them to.  That was the agreement between them.  Unfortunately my grandparents didn't keep their word and bothered her almost every day.  I would come home from the farm and my mom would be crying and stressed out because they had used their manipulation on her as well.  That has gone on since we have been here.  For about the past month now, she has been saying that we are going to move out because she cannot handle her parents and how they act.  In some ways I thought maybe she had a good idea because it would get me away from them too.  On the other hand, I love my basement. It's as big as the whole house and it's all mine.  It's almost like my own little secluded appartment.  I really like it and don't want to move out of it.  Anyways...the point of me explaining my mom is I guess like that saying "shit rolls downhill" because I catch it from my grandparents, and then from her again.  It's like a double whammy and it took it's toll on me.  I don't know how much more of it I can handle, either physically or mentally.

OK now that your eyes hurt from reading all that, this is what happened to cause this major problem....I said before that I haven't gone out there this week at all, even though I was supposed to.  I am at my limit and I was afraid that if I went out there and one tiny thing was said in a manipulative manner, I would blow up on them.  I mean...they're my grandparents and don't get me wrong, I do love them, which is why I didn't want to scream at them.  I thought it was best to just stay away until I could calm down.  I knew it would piss them off that I wasn't there when I said I would be...but I thought that may be better than ruining whatever kind of screwed up relationship we had.  Since I stopped going out there, they have been on my mother even worse than before, and I'm still catching what seems like an even more intense (if that's possible) amount of stress and anxiety from her because of them.  Yesterday when she woke up she was crying and said she felt like freaking out, so I sat down with her and tried to explain that they were getting what they wanted by making her feel like that.  I told her to not let them win anymore and for her to stand up and say "enough".  I can say one thing, I bet I could easily manipulate anybody I wanted just from learning how to do it by watching my family, a bunch of manipulating bastards.  So I know all to well what game my grandparents were playing with her.  Getting her to feel guilty and cry.  They thrive on that shit.  Well...the day continued and she seemed to feel better and I thought maybe I had got through to her...but then around 4:30 in the afternoon, the phone rang and within 30 seconds of her answering it, she was balling again like a little baby.  So I had to sit there and listen to her cry and blame herself for everything thats wrong in my life, hers, and everybody else's.  Well it upset me pretty badly, made me mad.  I picked up the phone and called my grandparents back and told them that I didn't appreciate their little head games and it was time for them to play them with somebody else and to leave us alone.  I screamed that at my grandmother and she told me not to tell her about it, to call my grandpa.  So that is what I did.  I called him on his cell and told him the same thing and he called me a worthless liar.  So I told him he would get his check in the mail as soon as I had the money to pay him back.  All the stuff he bought for me like the tires and parts and gas...I was supposed to work it all off for payment.  I just can't do that.  I will pay him back eventually, because I am good for my word and not a liar, and he'll eat a little crow.

Anyways, now we have to move out regardless of who wants to or not because they don't want us here anymore.  It is my fault because I am the one that stood up to them.  A person can only be pushed so far, and it isn't right that they get every little thing how they want it when they want it.  This situation is on a hair-trigger, right now, one wrong word, as small as "or" could send somebody through the roof.  My mom wants me to start packing all my stuff up because she said she can't take it here anymore.  I agree...my grandparents have ruined her life again, as well as mine.  This puts me all the way back to sqaure one, again...now I'm jobless and moneyless and everything, just like before.  Only now, it is pointless to even find a job in this state because she says we are moving to a completely different state, probably Kansas.  So I'm just gonna have to stick it out for the next few months...will lose the internet again, go without smokes.  The worst thing of all though, is I will probably have to sell my car to contribute to the move.  I have put so many hours and sweat and blood into that car...over a year.  It means a lot to me and I don't want to sell it, especially if I don't even get to keep any of the money...but this whole mess is my fault because I couldn't keep my mouth shut.  Oh well...what I said to them needed to be said because they have no right treating everybody like their personal slaves....

Ok...I'm done rambling now...hope that's long enough for you.  Oh...and to make this complete, I say this....AS USUAL....I still don't feel any better after writing this all out.