I am doing good today. I am worried …
I am doing good today. I am worried about exercising since I have had side pain. I am frustrated because of this. My …
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As a followup to my last journal update, I survived planning an impromptu baby shower for two woman that now work for me - one due in July w/ a girl and one in August w/ a boy. No one at work, except for a few close friends, knows about our situation and what a struggle it's been throughout the years ... no one knows, even them, how it feels to see a pregnant person or hear them complain about this or that and take everything for granted. No one except me - because I've been there ... I'm there every day - in and out. I did my best and tried not to "crack" under the oooh's and ahhh's for the adorable baby outfits. I vowed that I would just do the cake, some basic decorations and that's it. Well, I did that but also went out and bought them each 2 outfits, a rattle, book and adorable picture frame. I don't even know them personally really but when it comes to baby stuff, I can't resist. I find myself wandering in the stores for hours - thinking of how I would design the nursery, what colors I liked, clothes styles, car seats, strollers ... I wish it could just slip out of my mind sometimes. Get out of that mode and just move on - but the wound is too deep .. and the pain is a constant. So, I made it through ... and then .....
I dropped a quick email to my BF who was seeing a new Dr. , an RE near NYC, because Clomid didn't work the first few times. I wanted to get an update .. within minutes, my phone at work is ringing and I hear "I have news ...." I knew it was good news and that whatever she did worked. I was right - she was pregnant and loving every minute of it. She didn't gloat .. didn't rub it in my face .. talked briefly that her Dr. used Metformin and monitored her via u/s and bloodwork - basically timed intercourse. Round #1 didn't work but Round #2 did. She has since moved back to a high-risk OB/GYN and things are fine. She wanted me to hold off until I heard from her - until she was in the clear - and of course, I obliged. I don't see her too often but we went to a BBQ on Saturday for her daughter's 3rd birthday and I was so excited to catch up. Little did I know that she would be full-on showing like crazy and everyone at the party knew about her "bump". I pulled her aside and asked how everyone knew and she never realized that she didn't tell me it was okay to tell - she is very close w/ my family too. So, that was a bit awkward but it's great to see everyone happy for her. Sad thing is it's like life for everyone else, I feel, is moving on without me - they are on the merry-go-round and I'm standing on the sidelines watching - hoping the thing will slow down long enough for me to pick a horse and jump on! I've been at parties with many of her friends - a year goes by and all of a sudden they all have the perfect family - one boy and a baby girl or vice versa. They all follow suite .. and of course, it's all they have in common. Talk about feeling like an outcast 24/7. I know I take it much harder than my DH - but then again, he never talks about anything so he could be torn up too - he just smiles at the kids. I'm wondering if the thoughts that I have are in his head too ... I'm not sure I will ever know that.
So, here I sit again for yet another journal entry with no updates, no progress, no positive thoughts ... nothing. I finally heard back from my OB/GYN after one week of phone tag. She didn't offer much help which kind of made me PO'd but she did say that my blood tests showed no resistance to insulin ... Metformin is mostly used for insulin resistance issues. Guess that's another cause shot to hell. She said my levels confirm the PCOS - however, I have never been officially diagnosed w/ PCOS?!?!? WTF! My RE did freakin' surgery on me and said he saw nothing - said my ovaries were slightly polycystic but nothing alarming and not worth ovarian drilling. How can I not have PCOS in October and now blood tests show I do? I got so frustrated I just hung up the phone - she said it might be worth getting a 2nd opinion - is that worth it? Starting at square one - explaining every twing, pang, side effect, medication, test result that I've been through in the last 2 years plus all the other attempts for the 4 years prior to that
? I know it's not the craziest idea I've heard but it is one that I will pursue? I'm not sure. I wish I could just close my eyes, snap my fingers, and make it happen. No more worries - well, different worries .. but no more "will I ever be a mother" worries - "will my parents ever get to experience being grandparents" worries - "will I leave this earth never to experience the utter joy that I see babies bring to people" worries ... who knows! I just want it to happen - end of story.
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Wednesday, February 27, 2008
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It's so hard to realize that everyone else in life is moving on & your stuck...its exactly how I'm feeling. The only thing thats making me even feel the littlest bit better is I'm trying to give a bit of attention to other areas that I've been neglecting through this whole process. I'm trying to get in better shape & eat right...I'm thinking about going back to school. I guess to feel like I'm changing something in my life. You're not alone-not the only one waiting to jump on the merry go round. I loved that analogy...its perfect.
I dont think when we first began treatment & really addressing the infertility issues that my DH really felt the same way I did. He was much more positive than me & I think he would have been okay if we waited to start treatment. He didn't feel the hurt I did when someone else got pregnant...until it was his sister who got pregnant. That really changed things. She didn't want to have another child so that didn't make it ANY bit easier. The baby is here & I love him...I love to hold him & just look at him. I'm okay till AFTER the visit. DH is a totally different story...he really doesn't want to hold him. He feels like we should have been the family blessed not his sisters (they were already falling apart before the baby). When I pushed for him to tell me why he didn't want to hold his nephew he said that he has no desire to hold any baby that isn't ours. So I know he's feeling the same pain now. He smiles at the baby & will coo but I think the pain is too much when he holds him. Honestly, it makes me feel better lol...I feel like I'm not some jealous crazy b*tch. I'm sure your hubby prob feels the same way you do & you might feel better to share the pain. I just felt so much better knowing I had him on my team.
Every time I read your journals I realize how much alike we are! I also have ovulations issues which are similar to PCOS but I don't have insulin resistance & I was praying that was my problem. It seems like the few people I know who had that issue were simply treated w/ metformin & got pregnant in a few cycles.
I'm at a standstill too...but we're taking a break & for some reason I have in it my head that I don't want to start anything till October. I've always loved the month, maybe that has something to do with it. I needed a break mentally...and I want to get my body in better shape before I jump back in. I'm a stress eater for sure & unfortunately this is one of the most stressful times I've ever been through. I'm here if ya ever need to talk or vent & remember your not alone!!!
Big hugs!!!
melissaas