Join Now
I'm running out of words to describe frustrated other than, well, frustrated! As my last journal described, I went to my OB/GYN last week and she suggested a whole workup of bloods which I was positive about. She said she would call me to discuss the results - I haven't heard anything yet and I went at 8am on Monday. I guess I'm just anxious, nervous, etc and I should at least be patient and wait a week! I don't know what it's going to show and if she is going to have anything different to offer than my RE but it was pretty painless and worth it to me - especially since I have written in every other journal since the end of 2007, I'm not sure of which direction I'm headed in with each day that passes in and out. For the past week or so, I have been feeling some cramping; only slight, and my boobs have been killing me! Going to the gym on the elliptical machine was like torture. So, I took it easy for a few days and thought positive baby thoughts - could this be? Could it, by chance, be the month that it just 'happened' on it's own and all my worries would be melted away? I even actually thought, "well, I just got my period on April 22nd and it lasted as spotting for over 2 weeks - there's no way Aunt Flow could be here again?" Then that same little voice said "what?? are you crazy? when the hell has the word "regular" ever been used to describe your cycles?" So, again, I hoped and I prayed day in and day out. I dreaded going to the ladies room at work so that I wouldn't get that answer that I somehow was getting used to. All week, my body was playing mind games - waves of cramps, tenderness that came and went - my mind was playing tricks on me - do I feel nauseaus? should I got out for drinks w/ the girls ... what if it's true? Anything that could cross my mind, did! For some reason, this month I was awful hopeful. Until today ... my husband is working nights this week so I've home by myself each time ... left to my own devices - to mope, sulk, cry, worry, vent, bitch, complain, throw things, scream - you name it, been there/done it. I came home tonight and my boobs, once again, were killing me (sorry so graphic). I thought, there has got to be something here! I have never had this happen for so long before my cycle started ... until, I went to the bathroom. Low and behold, spotting; not full red but enough to know that she's just around the corner. I just sat in the bathroom and asked why. I even had myself convinced that it's never going to work .. and for at least the next 10 years, I was going to have to come up with more excuses as to why we don't have kids, pray that another one of my friends that doesn't know doesn't drop the bomb that they are expecting their 2nd, 3rd or even better, 1st baby. I almost just convinced myself that I would lead a childless life ... and I want more than anything to overturn those feelings. But with each month that either goes by that Aunt Flow doesn't show .. and even when she does, I lose a little bit of that hope and light inside. I don't know - could this be depression? Could I be depressed? It certainly wouldn't shock me if that's what a professional would call it. I think it's getting harder for me because I'm surrounded by it day in and day out. I have two employees that work for me and they are both pregnant; one with a girl (her 2nd) and one with a boy (her 1st). They certainly don't know my situation but of course, since they have so much in common, their only discussions are about babies, nursery designs, breast or bottle feeding, cute clothes they saw at the Gap, baby names, etc. I try to play along, ever thinking in the back of my mind "God, just get me out of here". And worse thing, is that I need to organize a baby shower for them next Tuesday. They just started reporting to me directly in February and their former boss has taken on a new position - she is helping me but not much. So, picking out gift bags and table covers and cake designs is certainly the last thing that I need right now - personally. To make matters worse, my best friend emailed me and said she needed to talk and she had "news" - of course, news to me is that her first round of treatments with the IUI worked - and inevitably, it did. I'm honestly thrilled for them - they struggled with baby #1 and she was a 2 lb. preemie and is now almost 3YO! They struggled a bit w/ #2 and now she has got to be close to 10-11 weeks along. I'm so happy for them and she knows it - she's been my best friend since kindergarten. And it was so sweet of her because in the conversation, she said "ok, enough about me - now we need to get you where I am and I don't want you to give up hope". I struggle seeing that happen. I went onto an Alumni site for my high school and yet another girl I graduated with has their daughter listed with "expecting #2 in December" ... another one "expecting our first in October". A former co-worker who had IVF is due in October - she just sent her 4D Ultrasound pictures of her son, Aidan. My heart was happy - then it sunk to the ground. It's pathetic that I have to force myself to be happy for everyone else - I'm not a selfish person but I'm finding myself acting like one more and more. Questioning WHY day in and day out. I just don't get it. So, if I can make it through the baby shower next week without bursting into tears while hearing everyone's words of wisdom and congratulations and ooohs and aahhhh's over adorable baby clothes, I have at least conquered one hurdle. But it's the next hurdle and the one after that that I'm not so sure I can tackle - I'm expecting to continue to trip and fall ... and with each time, it's getting more difficult to pick myself back up.
Comments
Reading your journal I truly feel like I'm reading one of my own. It's unreal! I'm wondering if I'm depressed too...but of course I don't want to see a DR about it & I don't want meds either b/c they might interfere with ttc. I'm also getting caught up with Alumni sites & seeing who has babies or is pregnant...I have been trying to stay away from that but its not easy. I just survived a baby shower for my sister in-law (that I planned) in May. I was happy to have it over with & happy I was able to do it. I know you'll be okay. My sister in law had the baby & now after I see & hold him my heart aches. Then my guilt starts & I know I shouldn't feel jealous. On top of that she's already lost 50 lbs & looks wonderful. Anyhow, bottom line is you will make it thru & you'll be okay, I promise. I'm here if you want to chat or vent. As far as the bloodwork I'd call first thing Monday am...I'm not patient with that & I usually assume they have results in 24 hrs so I should too. Good luck & keep me posted!
melissaas