jan112's Journal

tonight is my birthday dinner with my family. its supposed to be fun and all for me but if it was up to me i'd be in bed. now i have to put on a happy face everyone can see straight through and go pretend to be real excited that is my birthday. i'll probably hurt someone's feelings or run out in uncontrollable sobbing. but they have to love me anyways because they're family. thank god for family. thank god for the fact that they'll still love me and want me around even though sometimes i'm apeshit nutso. maybe i'll get some good presents and eat some good food and some more good food and some more good food. this might be a fun idea after all.

so i quit taking my meds AGAIN. i got suicidal  AGAIN.  now i'm back on them and feel great. its so weird how when you're depressed you think you've always been and always will be. then when you get better you think you've conquered it and don't need meds. i'm two completely different people on and off medicine. on meds i'm outgoing loud funny and a clean freak. not on meds i'm on the couch crying with a pile of tissues screaming i wanna die. Drastic change. i used to swear meds don't help but now in my maturity i realize they do. i guess it also helps that now i'm on celexa and wellbutrin. two antidepressants are better than one. they work on different chemicals so when you use one it helps the other work better. so i'm going to margaret cho tomarrow in atlanta with a fellow crazy. we're so excited. what's better for depression than a comedy show. i'm going to have a great time. i'll see ya'll soon.

it's so funny that they use a blacked out image of someone slumped over in sweats if you don't have a picture. I find it pretty accurate so i'm leaving mine that way.