RedeemedInMA's Journal

It's been a while since I wrote last. I've had a pre-occupied few weeks. Pre-occupied with trying to work on my issues, and pre-occupied with staying distracted so I won't get so angry when I think of my life. Now I just grieve my whole life. How up until now, I've wasted it feeling bitter, staying hurt, and believing wrongly that I couldn't make a difference in my life let alone someone else's life. All that seemed to change on Wed June 18th. I know God has been working on my my entire life, and it seems foolish to think this, but I think he's been prepping me for the experience of healing last week. Last Wednesday, I received God's forgiveness and I forgave myself for who I believed myself to be. See, I used to see myself as a product, a consequence, of my past and present. My identity was surrounded by divorce, rejection, rebellion, repeated offenses, ineptitude to change, and now failure and nothingness. I had come to know Jesus' love and forgiveness, but not in full. My relationship was primarily intellectual and emotion. But never spiritual. I believed myself a realistic kind of person who saw herself realistically. I know what I am and what I am not. I know myself, and am confident of my own capacity and shortcomings. What this bred in me was a belief of condemnation whenever I couldn't achieve what I wanted - changes in behavior, better relationships, a hopeful attitude. I was always falling short, then eventually, I hit the bottom--realizing that I could do nothing good. I believed that was the truth of my situation, of my life. Nothing good could/would come of it. I was often suicidal because what else are you supposed to do if you believe that God was waiting to receive you in heaven, and nothing good was ever going to come out of my life except to die in order to reach heaven. That is not what God has intended for me, his beloved child. God showed me how he sees me, as loved, as accepted, as cleansed, and as perfect. I was perfect for Him. I was the perfect person for him! My stbx has said that many times, that I was perfect for him. I never believed him. It's because I saw myself through grey colored lenses, believing nothing good would come from me. My efforts weren't enough to make me worthy of someone else. But God opened the floodgates of love to me one morning. He showed me what his unconditional love is for me. All I did was hear his message and believed Him at his word. The release of regrets and bitterness for my past was gone. I was no longer being punished by them anymore. My regret for not having 2 parents raise me was lifted. My anger for having a father then mother abandon me, left me. The burden of having to prove myself (to me) as worthy by trying to be good on the outside, is released. The anger for the losses and abuse I experienced as a child, it's no longer got power over me. God literally lifted them away. I felt lighter that day. I finally have a sense of what Jesus meant by telling his disciples that His burden is light. It's no longer a burden to be me anymore. I think I understand this, but more than anything I seem to experience it every day. Everyday, something hits me that I'm no longer burdened by my past, by my failings, by my sin and bad habits. My response to God's healing? rejoicing, mourning and gratitude. The rejoicing and gratitude is easy to understand. The mourning response.. I think I'm coming to understand what that means. I've been crying/sobbing out of the blue often since this happened. Like today, when I thought about my husband, I wept--feeling the sadness of the loss, but none of the burden or anger or regret. My whole life time of experiences were leading to that moment where God was able to have my full attention, and blow me over by his unconditional love and acceptance of me. He values me--my past and all! He will never leave me--even if my behaviors take time to change! Jesus died knowing my sins were so great, I'd want to die myself. He knew that I couldn't handle my life, and so he handled it for me. I mourn because the things that have happened to me, the wrong I've committed and will commit, were terrible, and there needs to be a grieving for the loss. But I no longer chose to grieve with regret. I no longer see them as regretful. Because God has used them to get me to this point--where Life is more precious than death. And that my life is worth living, and that Jesus is worth dying for, but my past is not worth dying for.... It's not just a lesson... it's a transformation. God transformed me on Wed June 18th. I thank you God, Lord of my life, Caring Father and Friend, thank you.