ghostinashell's Journal

hello,

this is my first journal entry on dailystrength, i have various other journal-type ramblings over the internet; they are mostly just that...ramblings of what happens in my life with h.  i dont know if anyone else is in my shoes but i have an emotionally abusive h of almost 4yrs now and last year i couldnt take it any more and was arrested for dv.  he bailed me out saying he couldnt be without me and we are going to stay together, get an attorney and work it out.  never been in trouble in my 37years of life.  everyone i know that knows about what happened just cant believe it since i was supposed to be the nicest, easiest to get along with.  i feel bad for what i did, have a permanent criminal record and am attending dv classes.  things go back and forth with h; who btw has panic attacks/anxiety disorder plus is a very high strung guy who loves telling people off and he says himself his talent is pissing people off and knows how to push their buttons.  oh and i am wife 5...i know i know!  ok get back on track, things go back and forth with h...one day he is professing how wonderful we are together and he couldnt imagine ever being with anyone else and then i say something in a way he doesnt like and the marriage is off.  that is our latest thing going on right now. 

this is how the morning went.  we woke up in an ok mood.  he commented on how the basement and garage are in such bad shape that something needs to be done about it before the landland comes to turn on the sprinklers.  i took that as an attack on me because i am the only one who cleans those areas but the kids use them and dont pick up after themselves.  anyway, after that i was grumpy for 10mins or so and he said you seemed to have woke up on the wrong side of the bed and i told him i was pmsing.  maybe half hour later after analyzing what happened this morning i came to the conclusion that i took his comment the wrong way.  i went into the office and proceeded to let him know what was going through my mind and that i was sorry to have aimed the grumpiness at him.  that what he said was misconstrued and it was me and i was sorry and that i am not mad, angry or upset with him in any way and i love him.  i thought we were ok after that because the day went on as usual until he got a phone call from a client...  after that he was having a rough day and nagging about how he hates stupid people who try to bull$&it him.  he griped someone else out over the phone and i tried to reassure him that it will be ok.  he went online to take a personality test and his results were no surprise...in short, confrontational and pompous.  i told him thats ok i still love him and the day went on.  i tried to have more patience/supportive that day because i knew he was on edge.

evening came it was time for the kids' activities.  we were trying to set the home phone on call forward and he didnt remember my cell # and as he typed in the numbers asked if that was it and i said no.  he slammed the phone on the edge of the table and said in an angry voice just tell me your phone number!  i had reached my tolerance level, lashed back with a snotty attitude as i told him my #.  he was also concerned with leaving our 14yr old with a friend because our dd doesnt carry her cell and no one would be home if she needed something.  sooo i left the house with the youngest and headed for the bank and then intended to go to his martial arts class.  because of the phone # thing we were running late and by the time i got the check deposited i decided not to go to martial arts and we would go home just in case or dd came home or needed something....for an added reassurance for h.

although still urked at h for his outburst i tried to put it aside and cooked a healthy meal for him (we are on weight watchers).  he walked in the door and i said hello and let him know by the way i didnt go to tae jutsu just in case dd needed something there would be an adult home and i thought you might prefer that, we were going to be late anyway.  i could see in his eyes he was still angry/upset.  i gave him his food and let him know in a nice way about what was in it and how many points it was.  i was moving past frustration and moving forward...but he didnt think i was.  he said i was trying to lay a guilt trip on him about coming home and with dinner.  i told him no, i thought you might have felt reassured that there was an adult home and the dinner was to show you that i care about you and am moving forward.  he insisted on the guilt trip.  i reminded him of how he has been on edge all day and he used my pms as an excuse for his edginess.  i left him alone for awhile and came back to see if he was feeling better.  he said i still have an attitude and i said no more than you do when you ask me if i am better yet.  i told him he can dish it out but he cant take it ( unfortuantely i was hooked at this point...my bad).  he said he cant stand me and doesnt want to be married to me and never should have married me in the first place.  when i hardly even talked to him since the phone thing.  he said the phone thing was him being frustrated with himself and i said ok but from my pov it was aimed at me and i felt that was unfair.  and then he said that his big prob is that he has an 8yr old son that is more responsible with his phone than his  14yr old dd.  and then he said he wish i had taken ds to martials instead of coming home because she needs to learn to be responsible.  i said i was sorry that i thought it might bring him some comfort to know a parent was home in case something happened.  he came back with me trying to make him feel guilty, i told him that is not my intention, my intention was to be caring and i walked away.

we still maintained our separateness he in the front room and me bedroom.  if he was so mad and upset with me why did he insist on still using our bathroom instead of the other one that is much closer??  after the third time i said hey and he stopped and said in a very monotone i dont give a $%it voice, and fear began to rise in me.  i told him i wanted to talk with him and he rolled his eyes and i continued but i dont know how because you never want to listen even when we are not fighting.  he rolled his eyes again and sat on the bed.  i told him i was sorry for what was happening and i didnt think he realizes how what he says to me affects me and he said probably not.  i went on to reitereate what he said about not wanting to be married to me and i told me i know you dont need my permission nor am i telling you what to do but i just want to let you know that if you want to divorce me you can and i wont fight it.  he says i am too in his face and that i always say the same thing every time we fight.  i went to say that maybe there is a common theme that you are not picking up on and please listen or think about what i say.  the rest of the night was quiet, he slept on the couch (i usually do) and i changed the sheets on the bed and slept alone.  he came in at 1am set his water down and i got my hopes up.  he went into the bathroom and then went back out.  sigh...stupid expectations.

the next morning was not any better.  i got up and made bfast, got the kids up and turned on some music not really loud but so i could hear it in the kitchen while cooking.  an hour later he gets up and goes into the bedroom, sighs the annoyed angry sigh because my laptop was on the bed.  took it out and put it on my desk and i asked him to please be careful because thats how dd's got broken...he was carrying it by the screen.  he went to bed went to use the computer.  half the kids were off to school so i decided to finally brush my teeth(8oclock).  i come out and he is no longer in bed so i go to my computer and the speakers are both face down and unplugged.  i put them back and he turned around from his computer and said you have fucken earphones use em!  and i said you listen to music all the time and he said not that crap (metallica) and i said that was not true and he said i never listen to metallica and i said not true.  he said there was no reason for me to have the music on while i brushed my teeth...i said you leave your music on and he said he doesnt.   i half way said what is your problem but i stopped myself from finishing but he said "youre my problem" that he was going to make my life miserable so that i want to leave and why dont i just leave.  i said i am on the lease too he could leave and he said as he always does maybe i will make you so miserable you will end up back in jail.  and i got hooked again.  i said it is no wonder you have had 5 wives and he said just bad choice in women (they have all divorced him) and i said he was just a mean person and cant get along with people.  and he is bipolar or schizephrenic and he said for me to make up my mind because they are two different things and i said dont know yet but i do know you can change within hours, do a 180 on your personality and mood and pointed out the example of what we are going through right now. and he said i am just too emotional and said just leave and i said youre a mean person and i am done listening and talking to him and he said finally hooray and i told him he was mean and went into the room.