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the saga continues.
on friday when he tried to make up he came in the bedroom, happy and smiling, stopped inthe
doorway and asked me if i was still mad. i said i was never really mad just really sad/bummed
he would say those things. and he replied, you're still mad. and i said no i am just sad. he said
i was still mad again and i said in a very quiet and calm voice (maybe too calm), please dont tell
me how i feel, i know how i feel and i am sorry you dont believe me when i tell you those
things. i really didnt want to be around him but i know i was being stubborn, me wanting an
apology for what he said and then he acting like nothing ever happened. that evening he tried
talking again, acting sad himself he said i should read that book he got. the morning after our
initial argument he bought a book on personalities (enneagrams) and he said it was really scary
to see himself so simply laid out in a book and that he was way over in the extreme part of his
personality.
yesterday(saturday) i got up at 4am and read the chapter on his personality and it was scary
(though not surprising) to see how utterly close it is to him and how much he was over on the
unhealthy side. i went into the room and was getting dressed to go to the gardening store and
he said ok in a weird tone and i asked do you want to come? he said sure but wanted to take a
shower so i said ok. but then he changed his mind saying i really didnt want him to go and that
i was being secretive. i said if i really didnt want him to go i wouldnt ask. i told him you
should know this about me by now and i have told him many times that sometimes i just like to
go alone and see that as "me" time. he didnt believe it. he began on how i wasnt making it
easy to get back together and i asked why? i wasnt being secretive and i thought i wanted to
go alone but then thought it might be nice if went too and wasnt making a big deal out of it.
we talked for a few mintues on the bed and i said something that clicked in him (finally!). he
said something about how he wants us to be one person (scary) and that he wants us to spend all
our time together. i reiterated that i need at least a little alone time...for me, not to be with
anyone else or to be secretive but just to be alone and quiet to think about my day or just think
about things. he made an "i" statement while talking about our relationship and i told him about
how this dv class i am in talked about something i have always thought about relationships. i
said in class they say there are three things in a healthy relationship, do you know what they
are? he just looked at me. i said theres you...theres me....and theres us. he looked at me
again and his eyes widened...he said he was always in the "us" (and i know that, thats the way
he is...he defines him self in what ever R he is in). i said sometimes i just need a little time
for the "i'" part so i can bring whatever i experienced or learned back to the "us". he looked
astonished... you mean that you feel you are losing who you are as a person because i am
always wanting to be in the "us"? and i said yes. it's not the first time, believe me!! that i have
told him this, i dont know what doorway was opened when i said whatever certain words i said
to have him understand what i have been trying to tell him for at least a couple of years.
he went on to say how he wanted to try harder on being a better person. and the reason he
got the book was because he needed to learn how to get along with the people who matter the
most, his family. so from that point on things have been pretty good. we went grocery
shopping, then later on the bookstore and then the garden center. today the plan is to go to
lunch with the kids and then take them bowling...we havent ever gone bowling as a family yet
so i am very excited!!!! fingers crossed and i hope you all have good day!
hello,
this is my first journal entry on dailystrength, i have various other journal-type ramblings over the internet; they are mostly just that...ramblings of what happens in my life with h. i dont know if anyone else is in my shoes but i have an emotionally abusive h of almost 4yrs now and last year i couldnt take it any more and was arrested for dv. he bailed me out saying he couldnt be without me and we are going to stay together, get an attorney and work it out. never been in trouble in my 37years of life. everyone i know that knows about what happened just cant believe it since i was supposed to be the nicest, easiest to get along with. i feel bad for what i did, have a permanent criminal record and am attending dv classes. things go back and forth with h; who btw has panic attacks/anxiety disorder plus is a very high strung guy who loves telling people off and he says himself his talent is pissing people off and knows how to push their buttons. oh and i am wife 5...i know i know! ok get back on track, things go back and forth with h...one day he is professing how wonderful we are together and he couldnt imagine ever being with anyone else and then i say something in a way he doesnt like and the marriage is off. that is our latest thing going on right now.
this is how the morning went. we woke up in an ok mood. he commented on how the basement and garage are in such bad shape that something needs to be done about it before the landland comes to turn on the sprinklers. i took that as an attack on me because i am the only one who cleans those areas but the kids use them and dont pick up after themselves. anyway, after that i was grumpy for 10mins or so and he said you seemed to have woke up on the wrong side of the bed and i told him i was pmsing. maybe half hour later after analyzing what happened this morning i came to the conclusion that i took his comment the wrong way. i went into the office and proceeded to let him know what was going through my mind and that i was sorry to have aimed the grumpiness at him. that what he said was misconstrued and it was me and i was sorry and that i am not mad, angry or upset with him in any way and i love him. i thought we were ok after that because the day went on as usual until he got a phone call from a client... after that he was having a rough day and nagging about how he hates stupid people who try to bull$&it him. he griped someone else out over the phone and i tried to reassure him that it will be ok. he went online to take a personality test and his results were no surprise...in short, confrontational and pompous. i told him thats ok i still love him and the day went on. i tried to have more patience/supportive that day because i knew he was on edge.
evening came it was time for the kids' activities. we were trying to set the home phone on call forward and he didnt remember my cell # and as he typed in the numbers asked if that was it and i said no. he slammed the phone on the edge of the table and said in an angry voice just tell me your phone number! i had reached my tolerance level, lashed back with a snotty attitude as i told him my #. he was also concerned with leaving our 14yr old with a friend because our dd doesnt carry her cell and no one would be home if she needed something. sooo i left the house with the youngest and headed for the bank and then intended to go to his martial arts class. because of the phone # thing we were running late and by the time i got the check deposited i decided not to go to martial arts and we would go home just in case or dd came home or needed something....for an added reassurance for h.
although still urked at h for his outburst i tried to put it aside and cooked a healthy meal for him (we are on weight watchers). he walked in the door and i said hello and let him know by the way i didnt go to tae jutsu just in case dd needed something there would be an adult home and i thought you might prefer that, we were going to be late anyway. i could see in his eyes he was still angry/upset. i gave him his food and let him know in a nice way about what was in it and how many points it was. i was moving past frustration and moving forward...but he didnt think i was. he said i was trying to lay a guilt trip on him about coming home and with dinner. i told him no, i thought you might have felt reassured that there was an adult home and the dinner was to show you that i care about you and am moving forward. he insisted on the guilt trip. i reminded him of how he has been on edge all day and he used my pms as an excuse for his edginess. i left him alone for awhile and came back to see if he was feeling better. he said i still have an attitude and i said no more than you do when you ask me if i am better yet. i told him he can dish it out but he cant take it ( unfortuantely i was hooked at this point...my bad). he said he cant stand me and doesnt want to be married to me and never should have married me in the first place. when i hardly even talked to him since the phone thing. he said the phone thing was him being frustrated with himself and i said ok but from my pov it was aimed at me and i felt that was unfair. and then he said that his big prob is that he has an 8yr old son that is more responsible with his phone than his 14yr old dd. and then he said he wish i had taken ds to martials instead of coming home because she needs to learn to be responsible. i said i was sorry that i thought it might bring him some comfort to know a parent was home in case something happened. he came back with me trying to make him feel guilty, i told him that is not my intention, my intention was to be caring and i walked away.
we still maintained our separateness he in the front room and me bedroom. if he was so mad and upset with me why did he insist on still using our bathroom instead of the other one that is much closer?? after the third time i said hey and he stopped and said in a very monotone i dont give a $%it voice, and fear began to rise in me. i told him i wanted to talk with him and he rolled his eyes and i continued but i dont know how because you never want to listen even when we are not fighting. he rolled his eyes again and sat on the bed. i told him i was sorry for what was happening and i didnt think he realizes how what he says to me affects me and he said probably not. i went on to reitereate what he said about not wanting to be married to me and i told me i know you dont need my permission nor am i telling you what to do but i just want to let you know that if you want to divorce me you can and i wont fight it. he says i am too in his face and that i always say the same thing every time we fight. i went to say that maybe there is a common theme that you are not picking up on and please listen or think about what i say. the rest of the night was quiet, he slept on the couch (i usually do) and i changed the sheets on the bed and slept alone. he came in at 1am set his water down and i got my hopes up. he went into the bathroom and then went back out. sigh...stupid expectations.
the next morning was not any better. i got up and made bfast, got the kids up and turned on some music not really loud but so i could hear it in the kitchen while cooking. an hour later he gets up and goes into the bedroom, sighs the annoyed angry sigh because my laptop was on the bed. took it out and put it on my desk and i asked him to please be careful because thats how dd's got broken...he was carrying it by the screen. he went to bed went to use the computer. half the kids were off to school so i decided to finally brush my teeth(8oclock). i come out and he is no longer in bed so i go to my computer and the speakers are both face down and unplugged. i put them back and he turned around from his computer and said you have fucken earphones use em! and i said you listen to music all the time and he said not that crap (metallica) and i said that was not true and he said i never listen to metallica and i said not true. he said there was no reason for me to have the music on while i brushed my teeth...i said you leave your music on and he said he doesnt. i half way said what is your problem but i stopped myself from finishing but he said "youre my problem" that he was going to make my life miserable so that i want to leave and why dont i just leave. i said i am on the lease too he could leave and he said as he always does maybe i will make you so miserable you will end up back in jail. and i got hooked again. i said it is no wonder you have had 5 wives and he said just bad choice in women (they have all divorced him) and i said he was just a mean person and cant get along with people. and he is bipolar or schizephrenic and he said for me to make up my mind because they are two different things and i said dont know yet but i do know you can change within hours, do a 180 on your personality and mood and pointed out the example of what we are going through right now. and he said i am just too emotional and said just leave and i said youre a mean person and i am done listening and talking to him and he said finally hooray and i told him he was mean and went into the room.
