love22's Journal

so today was a horrible day. i felt like no one noticed me at all. i feel like no one cares about me. this is usually the time when i get relli depressed. my birthday is coming up in just a few days and i hate it. every year everyone seems to not care, not remember, or make me feel so lonely. i dread that day every year. but this year is different. this year was when i had it all planed out. how i was gonna do it, how i was gonna end all this. and i planed to do it b4 my birthday. whats holding me back? i want to go. i want to be free. buh once again, i have fallen into the trap of staying alive for other people. im sick of it. this is one thing that I WANT to do. for myself. for once i want to think about myself, do something for myself. and yet, i cant even do that. i hate it. how long? ive been planning this for about a year and a half now. i planned it all. how i was gonna do it, where and when. it was set. and i feel like doing it now more than ever. im sick of feeling lonely, sick of crying myself to sleep at night, sick of feeling unappriciated, sick of having people use me, sick of being depressed, sick of never doing something for myself, sick of everything.

hmm....it looks like the solution might be to start doing stuff for myself instead of constantly thinking of other and putting them b4 me. well thats kinda hard to do. seeing as how ive been doing that my whole life, i hate to see people get hurt, or do something to hurt them, or not do anything for them at all. im just that altruistic person. i cant become a hedonistic person. its hard. and even if i could, i would do the one thing i want to do. die. buh i cant, because i know my parents and brother n sister wont like it. they'll be hurt. so im styaing alive for them. even if it hurts to know that i have to continue  living this life. buh i know i cant go one living like this. i'll eventually snap. i'll forget everything n just do it. i'll kill myself eventually. i can feel it building up inside me. i can hear myself telling me ever minute "go do it". i can feel my determination kicking in to actually go through wit it. i cant promise, to anyone, that i wont do it. it'll happen. its just a matter of time now. soon, it'll be too much for me to handle. soon, i'll just ..explode. and when that day comes. i'll finally be happy. finally.