love22's Journal

its been some time since i came on DS. so much happend. i feel worse than ever. i dunno what to do

how does this make any sense? i feel like screaming. its like a big hole inside of me. i want this to stop. forever. i dunt want to feel like kinda pain anymore.

still. even to this day...everything is just the same. its worse actually. knowing that my sister n parents know about me n all.

whats bugging me the most is that guy. that stupid guy.

knowing that i dunt like him. i know i dunt. its just those feelings. those stupid feelings.

everything is all comming back.  what do i do? im so lost. when will my pain end? when?

just when i thought things couldnt get worse, it does. im tired. real tired. when will this end. it seems like im not living for myself, but for others now. i cried last night. i cried till i couldnt cry anymore. this big hole inside me just wont go away. i feel like crying all the time now. i feel like it will never get better.the feeling of wanting to die is still there. i feel so alone in this big useless world. its as if i dont matter to anyone. i hate this. why is it that this always happens this month. why? i guess its because this is the time when i find out who is really there for me, or who relli cares for me. it hurts to know that there isnt anyone out there who does.

this month is my birthday. its getting relli close to it. on th 22nd i will be 17. every year everyone seems to forget that its mybirthday. they find ways to ignore me. and most of all, any best friend or friend i have ever had  were gone by my birthday. a fight, a misunderstanding or w.e.....there gone. and its always around my birthday

im sick of it. im tired of having to go through this every year. it was planned. planned for this month. when i would be gone forever. when i would die. i planned it all. when, where, and how. i was supposed to be gone by now. it was planned for this weekend. i was in my room debating whether or not to do it. i had a knife in my hand. i thought about iit alot. i didnt realize that someone was comming into my room. my sister walks in and sees me. she wanted me to talk to her buh i couldnt do it. i just cried instead. i cried. over and over again. when i finally got up the strength to tell her, i did. she made me promise her that i wont do anything stupid. and i did. i promised her that i wouldnt kill myself. buh at the same time i told her that i dunt like to keep promises that i wont be able to keep.

and now i have to put up with another birthday. another day which i hate. i was supposed to be gone right now. away from all this pain. away from everything that caused this pain. classmates, family, strangers. everyone. i want to leave. i want to go. why didnt i just do it when i had the chance to. i want to die. i dont want to live anymore. every time i write these journals i find myself crying. crying because i have to constantly put up with the pain. they pain of feeling so empty inside. like a big hole inside me that just wont get filled up. i feel like running away. somewhere far away. where i wont have to deal with this anymore. i want to go so badly. i want to be free. free from all this misery and pain. why must things be so hard for me. why must i act infront of everyone like everything is okay. im sick of it. i feel like shouting buh i cant because im stuck in this tiny bubble. a bubble in which no one will hear me no matter how hard or how loud i scream.

now, i just cry. im constantly crying. when im alone i cry. when im lying in bed i cry. when im doing something i cry.

cry. is that the solution? no. i cant keep crying my whole life. i cant keep this up. ive never felt so empty, so alone, so depressed in my life than i do right now. i dont know what to do. it seems like there isnt anyone who can help me. im so alone. i want to go. forever.

so today was a horrible day. i felt like no one noticed me at all. i feel like no one cares about me. this is usually the time when i get relli depressed. my birthday is coming up in just a few days and i hate it. every year everyone seems to not care, not remember, or make me feel so lonely. i dread that day every year. but this year is different. this year was when i had it all planed out. how i was gonna do it, how i was gonna end all this. and i planed to do it b4 my birthday. whats holding me back? i want to go. i want to be free. buh once again, i have fallen into the trap of staying alive for other people. im sick of it. this is one thing that I WANT to do. for myself. for once i want to think about myself, do something for myself. and yet, i cant even do that. i hate it. how long? ive been planning this for about a year and a half now. i planned it all. how i was gonna do it, where and when. it was set. and i feel like doing it now more than ever. im sick of feeling lonely, sick of crying myself to sleep at night, sick of feeling unappriciated, sick of having people use me, sick of being depressed, sick of never doing something for myself, sick of everything.

hmm....it looks like the solution might be to start doing stuff for myself instead of constantly thinking of other and putting them b4 me. well thats kinda hard to do. seeing as how ive been doing that my whole life, i hate to see people get hurt, or do something to hurt them, or not do anything for them at all. im just that altruistic person. i cant become a hedonistic person. its hard. and even if i could, i would do the one thing i want to do. die. buh i cant, because i know my parents and brother n sister wont like it. they'll be hurt. so im styaing alive for them. even if it hurts to know that i have to continue  living this life. buh i know i cant go one living like this. i'll eventually snap. i'll forget everything n just do it. i'll kill myself eventually. i can feel it building up inside me. i can hear myself telling me ever minute "go do it". i can feel my determination kicking in to actually go through wit it. i cant promise, to anyone, that i wont do it. it'll happen. its just a matter of time now. soon, it'll be too much for me to handle. soon, i'll just ..explode. and when that day comes. i'll finally be happy. finally.