ebrenlee's Journal

This week has been an emotional roller coaster. My kids were with their Dad the weekend and holiday prior to today, and when they came home on Monday night they told me that since their dad is getting married and buying a new house that he wants to have my son move in with him and his new family, but he didn't invite my daughter, it's just a mess. My daughter feels rejected because he didn't ask her to move in, and my son feels caught in a tug-o-war over two parents both wanting custody of him. He says he told his dad that he didn't want to move in with him and his new family. By the way, my ex is  marrying a woman he's only dated for 3 months, he proposed like a few weeks ago and they are getting married in less than 2 weeks. She has 5 kids of her own and he's anxious to be a family man again since we've been divorced for over 7 years now and he's just been a two weekend a month parent during those 7 years, prior to that he wasn't an active parent, but was always doing whatever he wanted to do, now all these years later he suddenly wants to be a full time parent and I just don't get it. Why couldn't he have been a real family man when he was married to me and the kids were younger? I guess she's got qualities that I don't posses. She is super skinny and that makes me jealous of her since I'm obese, but I wasn't that heavy when I was married to him, but I was never skinny either. I talked with my ex and he says that since our son doesn't want to move in with him and his new family that he won't try to force him, but secretly I fear he might say one thing and do another. I never want to loose custody of my children. My two children are my everything, I live for them, would die to protect them if neccessary, etc. Most of my identity is that of being their Mother, being their Mom means everything to me!!! I can't imagine life without them in it on a daily basis. I never want to be just a weekend parent, part-time parenting isn't enough for me. I love being a full time Mom to my kids!!!

I've been binging a lot on food since the news broke about my ex wanting custody of our son. I'm glad to hear my ex say he's not going to force his desire on our kids, but still it troubles me. So I eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, eat, etc.

My doctor started me on a generic form of Wellbutrin a couple of days ago. So far I think it might be working since my depression hasn't been 'as bad' as it was. My psychiatrist said some people notice it improving their mood almost instantly, other people it can take up to 2 weeks. I've always been super sensitive to new medication, so I can usually tell if it's working almost right away. I'm probably feeling less depressed because the weather has been great the last few days, and the weather plays a major roll on how I'm doing. On the cloudy and wet days I just want to sleep the day away. When it's sunny like today, I have more energy and want to get a lot accomplished. So I feel productive today! I need to get busy here soon and work on scrubbing the house to a sparkle.

If anyone takes the time to read this, THANK YOU!!!

The sun is shining brightly outside today. The sunlight illuminates the whole house. I think I'm solar powered because I get so much energy from the sun.

It's been a good day thus far. I started a new goal to be a happier person. I've been reading more jokes, watching more comedies, checking out the comics on Comedy Central and trying hard to be a happier person. Thankfully the sun shining will help reduce my depression symptoms.

I hope everyone who reads this finds laughter in living. *Hug*