We went to a friends house on Friday …
We went to a friends house on Friday night. He stopped at the store to get cigarettes and left his coat in the …
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I am having a difficult time! I don't know what to do with my emotions and my thoughts. I feel like they are just out of control. I was up most of the night crying. When I fell asleep, I cried in my dreams and I woke up crying. This went on until about 9:30 this morning. The bad thing is that I took sleeping pills and still didn't sleep well. At 8:30 this morning, I took more sleeping medication and slept on and off until around 3:00.
My husband went away for three days for a class that his job sent him to. I didn't really want him to go as my trust level is very low right now, but I realized it was for his job... He called a few times, but not as much as I would have thought that he would. He never talked for very long and didn't even call me the first night (though he said that he would). Despite that, I tried to not allow it to set me off. I text him the morning after the night that he didn't call me saying that I missed him (this was around 5:00 am). I didn't hear from him by 7:00, so I called his cell phone. It went straight into his voice mail which made me think that he had turned his phone off. So I sent him a text message saying "I can't believe you turned your phone off." Next, I tried to call his work/Nextel phone and it just rang and rang. Well, this just sent my emotions on a whirl wind. He called back two minutes later with an attitude because I said that I couldn't believe he turned his phone off. He said that my message was mean, etc. I couldn't believe it! I tried to let it go and evaluated my actions. At around 10:00, I sent him a message saying that I was sorry that my message seemed mean to him and that that wasn't my intention. He replied that he was sorry to - so it was sqashed. I was very lonely for those three days and was really looking forward to his return. I purchased some things for myself and him (like shoes, cologne, etc.). I also purchased two nighties - one cute and one pretty. I bought an icecream cake that said "I missed you" and had the lady decorate it with hearts and cute things. He come home after the class (Friday) and when I got home he was laying across the bed. We talked for a few and he said that he was tired, so I went out while he took a nap. I went to the mall and that's when I bought his cologne and my perfume & nightie. When I came home, we went out to dinner - had a nice meal/conversation, and came home. He went out to walk the dog at 9:45, and didn't come in the house until 10:25. Well I became furious! First of all, we usually walk the dog up the street about two blocks and it usually takes 5 or 10 minutes. I had made some fresh squeezed lemonade and was waiting in my cute little nightie. When he came in, he was defensive because I was standing in the door looking for him. He claims that it was a nice night, so he just walked furter than normal and that he didn't know that I was waiting for him in my nightie or had anything planned. Well, this just added to my misery and started the tears to flow.
This morning, he got up because he heard me crying and saw me shaking. He went on to clean the house, walk the dog, and wash clothes. I was sleeping on and off, but woke up when I heard him go to take his shower. I looked where he keeps his phones, and the work one wasn't there. It was there before he went in the shower though. So I started to think that maybe he was talking on the cell to someone that he shouldn't have (last night) and proceeded to look for the phone. He had put it in his jean's pocket and put it in the hamper. Now wouldn't this make any one suspicious? So, I sat in the closet (where the hamper is) sorting my clothes. The closet is big enought to be a small room. I knew that he wanted to get in there to get his phone, so I took my time. He eventually came in and claimed that he was looking for his pack of gum in his pocket. He took the phone and slid it in his pocket, and then proceeded to look for the gum. When he supposedly found the gum, I said "Why did you hide your phone in the hamper?" His response was "My phone isn't in the hamper, is it?" Then he started acting like he was looking for it. So I said "Didn't you just put it in your pocket?" He then looked in his pocket and was like "Oh yeah - it's in my pocket." What the heck is going on?! So I asked why he lied, and the conversation just went around and around -- escalated -- and I felt even worse. His main response was he didn't know why he responded that way, but he's tired of being on a time clock.
He also went against his agreement to not drive the car on the evening of Mother's Day. When we got back from dinner, he said that he wanted to go see his mom and asked me if I wanted to go. I said no and then he took the car that he promised not to drive. I called him on his cell. He didn't answer the first time, but answered the second saying that he took it because he wanted to drive it. He also said that he was already there so what did I want him to do. I said bring it back (conversation went on for a minute) and then he brought it back.
I feel like these are signs that he's either intentionally trying to hurt/break me down or he is just confused in his mind and can't help himself let alone do right by me. I've said from the beginning that I sought counseling, but he seems to need it more than me. Of course, he doesn't think so.
I don't know what to do. I'm tired of feeling this way! The twist is that I don't want to be alone and I really want my marriage to work. The problem is that he's making that very difficult to do. I'm so hurt, confused, and sad. I feel like I need to let him go (at times like this), but I really don't want to. He claims that he loves me and if he didn't he wouldn't be here and wouldn't put up with everything that I'm throwing at him. He says that he is trying and dealing/doing things the best way that he knows how. I just feel like I need someone to talk to and things seem so far out of control for me (mind, abilities, and heart).
What do you do when you don't know what to do? I know this is extremely long and I appreciate any one who takes a few to read my thoughts/feelings. I have the worse headache (migraine), so I'm going to go get something to take and hope that it goes away real soon.
I'll write later...
My husband went away for three days for a class that his job sent him to. I didn't really want him to go as my trust level is very low right now, but I realized it was for his job... He called a few times, but not as much as I would have thought that he would. He never talked for very long and didn't even call me the first night (though he said that he would). Despite that, I tried to not allow it to set me off. I text him the morning after the night that he didn't call me saying that I missed him (this was around 5:00 am). I didn't hear from him by 7:00, so I called his cell phone. It went straight into his voice mail which made me think that he had turned his phone off. So I sent him a text message saying "I can't believe you turned your phone off." Next, I tried to call his work/Nextel phone and it just rang and rang. Well, this just sent my emotions on a whirl wind. He called back two minutes later with an attitude because I said that I couldn't believe he turned his phone off. He said that my message was mean, etc. I couldn't believe it! I tried to let it go and evaluated my actions. At around 10:00, I sent him a message saying that I was sorry that my message seemed mean to him and that that wasn't my intention. He replied that he was sorry to - so it was sqashed. I was very lonely for those three days and was really looking forward to his return. I purchased some things for myself and him (like shoes, cologne, etc.). I also purchased two nighties - one cute and one pretty. I bought an icecream cake that said "I missed you" and had the lady decorate it with hearts and cute things. He come home after the class (Friday) and when I got home he was laying across the bed. We talked for a few and he said that he was tired, so I went out while he took a nap. I went to the mall and that's when I bought his cologne and my perfume & nightie. When I came home, we went out to dinner - had a nice meal/conversation, and came home. He went out to walk the dog at 9:45, and didn't come in the house until 10:25. Well I became furious! First of all, we usually walk the dog up the street about two blocks and it usually takes 5 or 10 minutes. I had made some fresh squeezed lemonade and was waiting in my cute little nightie. When he came in, he was defensive because I was standing in the door looking for him. He claims that it was a nice night, so he just walked furter than normal and that he didn't know that I was waiting for him in my nightie or had anything planned. Well, this just added to my misery and started the tears to flow.
This morning, he got up because he heard me crying and saw me shaking. He went on to clean the house, walk the dog, and wash clothes. I was sleeping on and off, but woke up when I heard him go to take his shower. I looked where he keeps his phones, and the work one wasn't there. It was there before he went in the shower though. So I started to think that maybe he was talking on the cell to someone that he shouldn't have (last night) and proceeded to look for the phone. He had put it in his jean's pocket and put it in the hamper. Now wouldn't this make any one suspicious? So, I sat in the closet (where the hamper is) sorting my clothes. The closet is big enought to be a small room. I knew that he wanted to get in there to get his phone, so I took my time. He eventually came in and claimed that he was looking for his pack of gum in his pocket. He took the phone and slid it in his pocket, and then proceeded to look for the gum. When he supposedly found the gum, I said "Why did you hide your phone in the hamper?" His response was "My phone isn't in the hamper, is it?" Then he started acting like he was looking for it. So I said "Didn't you just put it in your pocket?" He then looked in his pocket and was like "Oh yeah - it's in my pocket." What the heck is going on?! So I asked why he lied, and the conversation just went around and around -- escalated -- and I felt even worse. His main response was he didn't know why he responded that way, but he's tired of being on a time clock.
He also went against his agreement to not drive the car on the evening of Mother's Day. When we got back from dinner, he said that he wanted to go see his mom and asked me if I wanted to go. I said no and then he took the car that he promised not to drive. I called him on his cell. He didn't answer the first time, but answered the second saying that he took it because he wanted to drive it. He also said that he was already there so what did I want him to do. I said bring it back (conversation went on for a minute) and then he brought it back.
I feel like these are signs that he's either intentionally trying to hurt/break me down or he is just confused in his mind and can't help himself let alone do right by me. I've said from the beginning that I sought counseling, but he seems to need it more than me. Of course, he doesn't think so.
I don't know what to do. I'm tired of feeling this way! The twist is that I don't want to be alone and I really want my marriage to work. The problem is that he's making that very difficult to do. I'm so hurt, confused, and sad. I feel like I need to let him go (at times like this), but I really don't want to. He claims that he loves me and if he didn't he wouldn't be here and wouldn't put up with everything that I'm throwing at him. He says that he is trying and dealing/doing things the best way that he knows how. I just feel like I need someone to talk to and things seem so far out of control for me (mind, abilities, and heart).
What do you do when you don't know what to do? I know this is extremely long and I appreciate any one who takes a few to read my thoughts/feelings. I have the worse headache (migraine), so I'm going to go get something to take and hope that it goes away real soon.
I'll write later...
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Your story sounds like it could be my own. I had the same suspicions and same feelings while still married. I could never "prove" anything, though. My "ex" would stay outside around the garage or would be behind the grain bins (we lived on a farm) talking on the phone, sometimes for an hour or more. If I questioned anything, I was made to feel stupid. After divorce proceedings began, I still had access to his cell phone records and found out he called a female "friend" immediately after I left the hospital when he had back surgery and then called her again at 2:30 in the morning. On one day he was working, he spent a total of nearly four hours (multiple calls) on the phone with her. And I wasn't supposed to be suspicious???? I finally just let go, I was exhausted from doing all the work in the relationship. I wouldn't file for divorce, though. I'm not sure if that was or wasn't the right thing to do, my daughter saw me be treated in a way I would never want a man to treat her as his behavior continued for nearly 2 years before he filed for divorce. Funny thing is--he has a girlfriend now and according to my daughter is also spending time with a married woman who's "just a friend". Go figure. Stay strong--you are justified for your doubts and concerns. Don't let your husband's attitude make you doubt your sanity. I'm still working on getting mine back. Had my ex been willing to work on our marriage, I probably would have continued to put up with my doubts. That wasn't the case,though, and even so I sometimes still question if I could have done something more. I'm not sure this helps you--just letting you know I've been there. Will be thinking about you.
CDK
Thanks for sharing. I did check the phone, and there were no calls to anyone during the time that he was out. I want to believe that he's not communicating with any one anymore, but he does things that make me suspicious. I was able to catch him in every lie from the beginning. I'm hoping and thinking that I'm still on top of my game. Not too much gets past me, but I don't want to add unnecessary drama to the mix. He admits that he made a huge mistake, that he was selfish, and will never do it again. He takes the blame for what he's done and how it's affected me. I just don't want to be played for a fool while trying to work things out. Half the time, I think that he does such stupid things because he resents the fact that he's being watched like a hawk even though he understands why. I really appreciate your comments and it helped to know that someone understands... He's being nice and compassionate now, so we'll see how it goes. I have a daughter too. The only thing that she knows is that he was talking to another female for a period of time. She hasn't seen the rest because she's at college (she's a freshman) most of the time during the week. I thank God for that. I've been able to get rid of the headache and I don't feel quite as bad as I did earlier. I'm going to try to get some rest and I'll write again tomorrow.
TellMeWhy
Trust is sooo hard to gain back. I'm still struggling with overanalyzing my H's behavior. Sometimes I think it's me being over paranoid and sometimes I think I could be legitimately right. But regardless he needs to be sensitive to your feelings and the place you are in and needs to understand that you aren't ready to trust him yet and he has to accept that. Having said that, he is a man and more than likely in incapable of doing just that. Hang in there, chica. Tomorrow is another day.
brokenkat