TellMeWhy's Journal

It's been a long time and, unfortunately, I find myself in a place wherein I feel the need to reach out.  First, I'm so glad that this site is available and I truly appreciate all of the support that I've received in the past.  Just when I thought that things were moving in a positive direction, I found out that my husband wasn't being faithful or honest.  I'm so devasted that I just "feel" like I can't make it through this one.  My hope is so misplaced and instead of resting my hope in God, who no doubt knows what's best for me, I just continue to place my hope in my husband. 

I am in such an unsafe place...  I don't want to deal with the reality of my situation and have a strongly influenced mind that seems to think that I can't make it without my husband.  I've experienced thoughts of physically harming him (thinking that he doesn't have the right to destroy my life and go on happily without me), putting an end to my own pain (which I could never do - but it bothers me that the thoughts run through my mind), and feeling hopeless/unable to survive this.  This pain is greater than the pain that one feels when a loved one dies. 

The sad thing is that I'm able to make it through as long as I have a sense of hope (for my marriage).  Once that "hope" is taken away, I am unable to move forward.  I feel like my pain and fears are paralyzing me.  Despite it all, I just want/wish that my husband would make his "wrongs" right and do right by me by being a faithful, loving, and honest husband.  Beyond that desire, I seem to have NO desire.  I pray every day that God will work this situaiton out.  I know that He (God) gives man free will - but, I also pray that He changes my husband's heart.  I remember a scripture that says that "...the heart of the king is in the hands of the Lord." 

Right now I'm seeking support and resources that will help me make it through in the event that he just walks out the door and wants a divorce.  My desire it that this not happen and I need to be equipped to handle it in the event that it does.

I'll write again later...