phmarie's Journal

I am new to this but I think it is a place to start healling a lifetime of abuse and depression.  I don't know why I staid in either marriage. I guess I thought they would change. Wrong thinking. Whether they do it for a year of 15 years, they will keep on doing it because they know that we won't leave. If you are being mistreated, there is no excuse to stay. Not even for the children. You will pass the cycle on to them. I know because I see it in my oldest son and his life.

 I remarried the second husband because he was dying, but I never knew how badly it would destroy my health. But I made a promise to him that I wouldn't let him die alone. Those last few years almost killed me. My psychiatrist told me to leave him but I kept my word. Four months after the doctor asked me to leave him, he died of pancreatic cancer on top of diabetes, bipolar, heart patient, amputee all on top. It has been three years since he died and I don't know if I can ever get myself back. He took away my selfesteem, my independence, my joy and left me with health problems that I am just now getting to get help on. The doctor asked me today why I hadn't got any of my problems took care of. I told her the truth. He came first and I had come after his dogs. At least they had died several years before. I know now I made a very big mistake, but I always thought he would change but he never did. So some of you that are just seeing the beginiinn of abuse, get out now!! Don't wait until your health, physical and mental and emotional are beaten down. I warn you that you dont want to stay. I am a walking example of what happens. 

I hope to use this as a tool to help others and to bring some life back into me. I want a new life, I hope I can get that back.