joejackson's Journal

Last night I was hit with one of life's bricks, anxiety hit me hard and now Im feeling the after effects.  Total fatigue and, not balanced and have lost my concentration, going to be hard to build and trouble shoot this laser now.  My biggest flaw is I hate transition, If I need to get to get from point A to point B well then damn it I just want to be at point B.  But I think Transition is meant to shape and mold us, make us ready for point B, Is anxiety my minds way of saying hold up jack your not ready to be there... But we have to move on at some point in our lives or we just make no progress.  baby steps right, My company is sending me to Australia on the 22nd for a week to install whats called an almega, its a high tech 250,000.00 instrument.  I build this one and the other they want me to trouble shoot.  In my mind I know I can handle this with my eyes closed, but emotionally  the what ifs are hitting me hard.  I'm fully aware of whats going on so Im doing my best to ignore the anxiety buy focusing on the things Ill get to see and the people Ill meet.  I know everything Ill do there is only going to help people in every way and that makes me feel good.  My whole fear is my mind shutting down and suddenly not being able to do what is so simple for me to do, I know this will not happen.

My second trouble is this, having some one you love and you know loves you, its one of the best way to recover from the anxiety, I find my self in trouble with the need to have that connection but I don't want to use anyone as a rebound.  I know I feel this way and what if some one is there for me, makes me feel better and falls in love with me but I don't fall in love with them, it would kill me to know that they might be hurting inside because of me.  Don't get me wrong I'm not full of my self, often I think why would anyone want to be with me. 

But once again I find my self where I believe its best to keep everyone at arms distance.  The answer is there some where, looking at me wondering why I don't see it yet.  Could be I need to learn all over again how to see in life.  Anxiety has a reason, its not a broken bone, or a break down in the nervous system otherwise there would be a sure fire way to fix it.  

I'm so very tired now I cant keep my thoughts strait. 

score one for anxiety... but the fight is far from over.