LostLizzie81's Journal

    I am 27 years old.  I am about to get married and I am absolutly terrified that I am about to make a huge mistake.  I cannot afford therapy (went back to college and I am about to graduate) and my family and friends say I just have cold feet.  The story I am about to tell is not one that I am proud of, but it is true.  I am not sure if anyone will ever read it, but I need to put it out there.

    To understand my current situation, I should explain a bit about my past relationships.  My first boyfriend and I dated on and off (see hurt each other repeatedly) from the age of 14 to 22.  I am an intellegent girl, as in "book smart", and everone has always told me so.  He challenged me menatlly and was the only person I knew who could put me in my place so to speak.  We had fun together and since we started dating at such a young age, we grew to be best friends more than lovers with age.  We broke up the first time when I caught him cheating on me at the age of 18.  This was the first and only time I have had my heart broken.  After the pain of this incident subsided, I realized I missed him as a friend.  We danced back in forth between friendship and a relationship for years before realizing that we could never have a relationship together again.  He got married a few weeks ago (to a girl he cheated on me with during our last "relationship")

    After the last breakup, I decided to go back to college and get another degree.  Being in a college town where older than 22 is over the hill was difficult, I found a guy close to my age and we began dating (25 at the time, not old by anyones standare).  This relationship was based on a mutual love for pizza, CSI, and general Friday night boredom.  Like many females, my happiness often corresponds to my weight (with weight being the side affect of the unhappiness, not vice versa).  He was fat and balding and generally a glass half empty kind of guy and this is the type of person I had become as well.  Through all of my relationship and life changes, I had forgotten the happy person I once was.  After six months of a sexless relationship, I decided that I was either too terrible to sleep with or he was a homosexual.  Either way it was clear the relationship was over.  Three weeks after the breakup he met someone (a female), and they are now married as well.

    I still felt much better after the breakup.  School was going well, I was glad to have returned to a mentally stimulating environment, and I had a fantastic internship lined up.  When I went away to my summer internship, I met someone.  I saw him at work and could tell right away that he seemed like one of the "good guys", like someone that would never hurt me.  He was painfully shy. but kind and honest.  I asked him out several times before he said yes and we went on numerous dates  before he kissed me (I kissed him whatever).  Turns out, he IS a good guy.  He is polite, crazy about me, left his job to move to a new city where I start my job after graduation.  We made the long distance thing work over the past year an a half.  Now we are engaged and we get married in a few weeks.  Two weeks ago, this made me happy beyond belief.  I don't know how to get that back...if I even deserve to get that back.  Also I should add that he fell in love with me when I was obese and now I finally have my healthy body back.  

    This is the difficult to write part becasue I find this so humiliating.  I went to Las Vegas for my bachlorette part.  My friends and I were talking to a group of guys and they ended up "coupling off" and I was left speaking to this one person.  After 5 minutes I was completely intrigued and I new I was in trouble.  It had been years since I had had this type of whitty/challenging/stimulating conversation.  I KNEW it was wrong but I let him walk me home and we talked on a bridge over the strip until the sun came up.  The next day I agreed to see him again.  More of the same attraction, finish each other sentences, I am a funnier person when I am around him type of stuff.  This went on the length of the trip with conversations each day until sunrise.  We had sex on the last day.  It was the first time in my life that it felt like that (without giving too much information) and I cannot stop thinking about him.

    My fiance lives in another city (that he moved to for me) and I just knew that when I saw him all of my doubts would go away and I could chalk this up to a stupid Vegas sized mistake.  Didn't happen.  I feel like I am seeing him with new eyes.  He never has an opinion, he agrees with everything I say, he gets mad if I tell him that I want him to speak up more or gets his feelings hurt and looks like he will cry.

    I KNOW that I feel strongly about Vegas guy because I have a fear of marriage.  I know in my head that you can't fall in love in a weekend, only lust.  My brain understands that my fiance will be there forever and Vegas guy will not, but my heart cannot seem to grasp this.  I also know that I am an evil person for cheating on my fiance when I have been so badly hurt by this in the past.  I will not call of the marriage because I am too scared:

Scared that I tricked my shy fiance into falling in love with me

Scared that my parents who adore him will not understand (I already tried to express my fears...they don't)

Scared that his parents will be devestated becasue they love me so much

    To all of our friends we are the perfect couple.  I just wanted to let someone know that we are not.  I am getting married and I am not excited but terrified.  I hope that these feelings will go away with time or I will never be able to have children.  I wish these feelings of love towards this new man I barely know (but continue to communicate with despite the long distance) will disappear.  It is difficult because vegas guy is the only one that will talk to me about this.  Everyone else thinks I am crazy.  He too has never had a weekend like the one we just had. 

    If there is anyone out there that read all of this, thank you.  I know it is easy to judge me, but if you met me you would realize I am not a mean spirited person.  I pray to God all day not for a particular solution but just that "thy will be done" because I don't even  know what the best possible solution would be. Until then, I am trying to fake it till I mean it.  I went for my dress fitting and threw up (but no one knew), I can't eat or sleep right now, and I am trying to graduate from college. Like I said, I am a mess.

To hoping for the best and praying for the future....