driftwood08's Journal

 (I had actually posted this in the bereavement forum a while back, it didn't receive any replies and I realise that it's a bit difficult to respond to. I figured I'd paste it here, mainly for my own reference..although comments are still much appreciated..)

My friend's death came as a shock, and I actually didn't learn of it until 5 months later, which is something I am still trying to come to terms with. I had also missed his funeral and have had to sought out his grave for myself, which had been hard for me but at the same time it was important that I be with him. So although he's been gone for 8 months, it feels like he's only been gone for 3 and it is as if those 5 months of my life didn't exist. I have shut that section off because I feel guilty for having lived so carefree, while his family and friends were left to console themselves. I know some people are probably thinking that it wasn't my fault that I didn't know, but I'm afraid it was..I thought plenty of times whether or not I should call him just to see what he was up to, but I never did. I thought that he might have been busy and I believed that he was doing well for himself because of all the promise he had that year (starting uni, new friends, etc.)..but overall, I was afraid that my own insecurities would bring him down..there are just so many regrets and the 'what if's.."

When I eventually got in contact with his sister she told me all about the weeks leading up to his death and the circumstances he found himself in and imediately a switch flicked inside my head..I hadn't been there for him, I was absent for 5 months prior to the events and he must have of thought I had moved on, but I hadn't. I'm just so passionless and weak..Now, I just wish so desperately to turn back the clock..I should have been there, I had known him longer than anyone and i f'ing neglected him when he most needed me.

I guess, the result has been a chaotic mess of emotion..For the past month i have become so tired of constantly trying to sort out my feelings that I have suppressed them to put them out of my mind. Usually just thinking of him would reduce me to tears. However, I know how bad it is to suppress these feelings but I have been doing it for so long with my own problems that I have actually learned to mask it well from everyone. The only person in my family who knows is my sister and she doesn't know the true extent to which it has affected me..Same goes to my closer friends, who I haven't seen since finding out but they haven't treated me any different, or asked me about it..actually they haven't shown any acknowledgement of the incident whatsoever, which is hurting me even more than I expected. They had only met him once or twice..but at the same time, I am also afraid of what to say. There is currently nothing else happening in my life besides work and I am hesitant about making any plans for the future. Goals have never been a friend of mine, but procrastination and I go way back.

I'm not really sure what I had intended for this topic, I think it turned into a bit of a rant..sorry.

I'm just overwhelmed with guilt; guilt over his death, guilt over his family, guilt over expecting too much from my friends, and guilt over sabotaging my own healing process.