amybr's Journal

To some this will sound childesh and if so I am sorry you feel that way. But right now to me it's not. I know my mother is fighting breast cancer and I am trying to get closer to her since we don't have a mother and daughter realationship we should have. But when I try to talk to her and tell her how I feel and know that she loves my cousin (her brother's daughter) more than me and I understand she gets all mad at me and tells me I have a messed up head. Well no thanks to her, it is. When I told my mom that I wanted to become a teacher she laughed at me and told me that I was nuts. Than about a week later she called and said that my cousin was moving in with her and my dad. She wanted to know if I would give the okay. I am a person who will not tell you what you can and can't have in your home because I don't want someone else doing me that way. When I told her the truth that I really didn't have a say int he matter.

 She told me that my cousin would have to go by the same rules that I had, help pay bills no staying out late and etc. She than told me that my cousin dropped out of school. Not to be rude go figure. She has never went and got her GED but now she is a CNA.  Than the next thing I know my mom is letting my cousin's friend move in. This girl has some real mental issues. The girls have both made comments to my mom that it would be nice if it was just her and the girls. Than the next thing I know this friend is accusing my dad of sexual misconduct. Which everyone who knows my dad dosen't think it is true. Now my dad has to go to court over this, which really pisses me off more.(He is not my real dad, he adpoted me when I was 8 another long story) When my mom told him to tell her the truth he did she still didn't trust him, because he was in Vietnam and has flashbacks he is seeing a shrink. Well he went and seen the shrink and they sent him to St. Louis saying he was suicidal. When my mom came up she stayed with me and my boyfriend. She set right there in front of us both and told us she didn't know who was telling the truth. I went off, there has been so many times I would call my mom and she would tell me about how this girl was lazy, and a liar and so on. When we went and send my dad the next day he hugged me and cried. When he was done he looked me right in the eyes and said I didn't touch her and I will take a lie test. I never doubted him in the first place and neither has my boyfriend. My mom said right than and there she knew he was telling the truth.

I told my dad I have his back and that is no lie.  When we got back to my house my mom called my cousin and my cousin told her that if she had to go to court she would plead the 5th. That pissed me off even more, than out of nowhere my mom makes a comment that she is afraid that if my dad comes back home that her family will turn there back on her. My comment was dad dosen't come home than I will turn my back on you and your family. She just stared at me. Later on my aunt (dad's sister) called me and told me that my mom told her that she didn't think I would do that. My aunt told her that she was wrong and that I was a daddy's girl and that I would do that. Than my mom found out that she has breast cancer. When I talked to my dad he said that he was upset that my cousin would not let him go with my mom to the doctor. Than I went home for a week, my cousin got mad because my dad was taking her and showed her butt. Than I took her and it really pissed her off. She got mad because one of my mom's friends daughter is a Rn and has been comming out and cleaning my mom's dressing. But still my mom thinks this girl does no wrong. My dad made her move out and that upset my mom. Since my grandpa has died I don't really want to go home anymore. When I am there I don't feel like I am wanted. My brother(my dad's son) always tells me that mom treats you like the neice and K as the daughter. Even my mom's friends have noticed this, including my aunt.

 When my mom came up last year for Halloween she was always calling my cousin, when she is at home I am always the one doing all the calling. One day she will tell me she can't get over how wonderful a mom I am that she thought I would be a lousy mom. Than she gets pissed off at me if I spank one  of them for something. When my dad found out about the last time I spanked my son for writing on my kitchen table. He told my mom to get off my butt. He told her he remembered  me getting whiped with a belt for a bad grade and spanking over things my cousin did. I am so hard trying to forgive her and trying to make a better relationship but everytime I try I get smacked down. I can't keep on doing this, I tell her when she makes comments about her thinking I wouldn't make a good mother, that I don't want my best friends to be there mother like hers where mine.

My son will tell anyone I don't spank unless you make me. I am not saying my kids are perfect because there not. But I want to be there mother and I want to be the mother I never had. My son and I have a bond out of this world. When someone ask him who taught him baseball, he tells them my mom did and she is the best. But what made my day was when we were at my parents and his toy broke and he brought it to me, and I fixed it right in front of my mom. He told me that I was the best mommy in the world. Her mouth just dropped, and she stared at me for a minute. She tells everyone that story. My daughter and I have a date once a week to just spend time together and do something mother and daughter. My kids are growing up fast and I just want them to remember I am here always.