Chrosiris's Journal

Ugh, just got home from a DJ gig.  I DJ commercially and have done lots of things, but I don't want to say what because I might compromise my anonymity and I need that right now.  I also need the feedback.  This gig was nuts.  It was a friend of mine's wedding who I met at another regular DJ gig of mine.  This friend has been really good to me for quite a while and I was doing him a favor.  I still got paid, but I gave him half off my usual fee and went all out bringing the best audio/lighting system I have.  Here is the crazy part...  Ever heard of bridezilla?  I met her tonight.  I knew her before the wedding, but apparently not that well.  By the end of the night I was so annoyed I actually contemplated never talking to her again.  I think the biggest deal was that they kept putting me off as far as the planning was concerned before the wedding.  Finally I had to get in touch with them and chase them down at a bar to get my questionnaire filled out.  By the way, in case you didn't know, DJ's are high priced because a lot of preparation goes on behind the scenes to personalize each wedding.  That is if you are using a DJ who cares and realizes that you will remember that day for the rest of your life.  That DJ is me.  I DJ on the side and should also say that I work with the groom.  At the bar we all agreed that since they could not come up with all the songs that they wanted played that he would bring me a CD at work.  Never happened.  So tonight I was constantly hounded by her about these songs.  I did my best to repeat to myself over and over that this is the first time she has been married and she wants it to be perfect, but I still couldn't help getting edgy.  Hell, I'm edgy anyway!  I really felt like telling her how many hours I spent preparing and how she needed to just back off but I didn't.  Who needs that as a memory of one of the most significant days of their life.  I would probably deck someone if they said that to me.  I was just frustrated and needed to vent.  I use the same computer for my home and business and occaisionally people do gigs for me with my equipment.  I'ts kind of hard to keep a journal on a computer that other people use.  This is about the safest route I can go right now. 

That was just tonight lol.  I have a lot of stuff to get off my chest...  My recovery from addiction is slipping right now too.  I really really really wanna drink.  It's mostly because I haven't been to a meeting in about 2 weeks.  I'm so ready for one.  I have been working out of a book about healing your shame which was assigned to me by my 2nd sponsor.  I also brushed the dust off the old step-working guide and wrote some on step 8.  That gave me some relief.  I know a lot of NA purists say you should only have 1 sponsor and I believed that for a long time.  Now, my views have changed and I have found that I can get different positive things from both guys.  Maybe I will write a seperate blog about that later.  I'm going to try to journal on here at least once a day from now on. 

I have made a little headway on my grief.  I am starting to seperate it from my daily life.  The world definitely doesn't stop when someone dies no matter how much you cared about them.  I think on a subconcious level I have expected people to wait for me to "get over it".  I have most definitely changed and I know that some of it is destructive.  Some of it is good though for instance I have far less tolerance for bullshit than I used to.  I'm trying to find a happy medium with that though because I think I am on a more asshole side of the spectrum these days.  Everyone has to tolerate a little B.S. if they expect to have relationships with people don't they?  I think the most self destructive thing is that I take it out on other people without meaning to.  I want people to know I'm having a rough time and give me some slack even though I don't really tell them what's wrong with me when I'm having a bad day.  I do that out of fear.  I don't want to lose anything such as a job by telling someone how bad I hurt on a day to day basis.  There are other things going on too these days, but I should probably save them for the next entry.  Besides, I'm tired and have to work tomorrow.  If you managed to make it this far reading this thank you and god bless.             

Man, I thought the year mark would be a fresh start but it seems my greif gets worse every day.  Still functioning, still working, still staying above water, but I'm a wreck.  I was confident, had a pretty positive outlook, and a good sense of humor at one time.  I sit and think about how to get back to that point but am totally at a loss.  I have been sleeping too much lately and slacking on responsibilities although I still mangage to eventually get things done.  I know my brother would want me to be happy and would tell me that if he was alive, but it's still so hard.  I guess it just keeps getting more real.  He died of an overdose and I have figured out that although others had something to do with his death whether it was the person selling him the drugs, bad influences, or enablers; he was the one with the ultimate choice.  And he chose to continue using.  It's hard to realize that he didn't have whatever he needed to have to quit.  He had gone to treatment, meetings, and counseling but still wouldn't quit.  I wonder if his addiction was just that bad or if he just plain didn't want to stop no matter what the consequences.  Maybe he thought that it couldn't happen to him.  He did "cheat" death a couple times before that I knew of.  I never wanted to give up on when he was alive and there is still a part of me that doesn't want to let him go.  I saw his body, I saw the casket close, and I know he's not coming back.  I think I feel guilty because I am an addict in recovery and I am still alive.  I feel cruel when I think about it logically and realize that I took a different path and I did stop using.  I also feel like he got cheated because the path was available to him.  I also feel jipped because he didn't take it/beleive in it.  He could still be here if he would have just stopped using and been completely willing to change his life.  I have a lot more inside of me but I need to go to bed as well.