LaDonnaDee's Journal

Day after Mother's Day-so I figured I'd have a bad day before it even came.  Holidays are always tough on me-have been for years.  I did go to the casino.  Didn't even try to stop myself.  Was extremely tired when I woke up yesterday and had money in my pocket to go shopping for my mom, no excuses just trying to figure out what happened-combed my hair and off I went.  THought it wasn't a good idea on the way there but basically didn't care.  Am I getting depressed again?  I felt hopeless before and especially after I went.  I told myself I'd only play the "loose money" and not break the 100.  I knew I was setting myself up but didn't care.  Came home and just sat on the couch, tired but couldn't sleep.  Finally fell asleep and missed church (on purpose).  Was I afraid to face my HP because I didn't even ask for help?  Was I too embarassed to have to ask for forgiveness again?  Or did I just not care?  Worrying about both my teens drinking and wondering about the damage my drug addictions caused them due to the dysfunction they grew up in?  Feeling bad for what they are going through and that I am powerless over them and over changing the past.  Basically let my feelings and thoughts dictate my behavior. Lied to my daughter about where I was.  Need to work on positive thinking that leads to positive behaviors.

I am a good mom.  God will forgive me.  I should never have money in my pocket.  I can enjoy a holiday free from addictive behaviors, if I take the necessary steps.  I am powerless over other people, places, things, and addictions.  I can not change the past but can look at it and learn from it.  I can be a good role model for my kids and though I can't control them, I can be a good example now and can give consequences to them for their actions when appropriate.  I will have a good future because I will accept that i have many addictions that can be put in recovery if I choose.  I will choose to be in recovery today-one day at a time.  I will forgive myself and ask God and another human being to help me on this journey.  I will be honest about my disease-to myself and to those I reach out to.  I started on Geodon and Effexor yesterday and will continue to take as prescribed and be mindful of my depression and mania.  I will continue to exercise and take a little time for myself each day.  I can do this.   I will remember that I am a strong woman and can do anything I put my mind to.