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So haven't been online in a while. Haven't gambled in a few days. Hit big the other day and lost it all before I even left and then some. Go figure-it's not about the money. Will continue to try and not gamble for today. Felt lousy about losing all that money and then struggling financially because of it. Need to accept to my inner self that I am powerless over gambling. THat I will NEVER be able to gamble "normally." That I cannot put any money into gambling. I know I can do this and need to remember the coping skills that have kept me away from the machines in the past. I will forgive myself and continue to seek out my spirituality and my HP. I CAN DO THIS WITH THE HELP OF OTHERS AND MY HIGHER POWER....... THank you for being here for me.
UPDATED GOALS
Lose 10 pounds in 6 weeks
Progress 10%
Encouragements: 0
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So trying to figure out what happened and why I keep relapsing on gambling. So sick of lying to my kids and spending all the money. Will continue to ask my HP for help. Haven't gambled for a couple days so am feeling better about that. Money is about gone so need to stop now before I get myself into a real bind. Went to the doctor to get the medication to take away the impulse to gamble but my doc wouldn't give it to me. Stopped taking the Geodon as it was making me sick. Doc wants me to start on Abilify. Not too willing to try another med right now. Hot tubbed today and took in some sun. Worked my one shift. Will try to go fishing tommorrow. Was honest to my boyfriend about my gambling. Maybe I can lean on him for support now?
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Day after Mother's Day-so I figured I'd have a bad day before it even came. Holidays are always tough on me-have been for years. I did go to the casino. Didn't even try to stop myself. Was extremely tired when I woke up yesterday and had money in my pocket to go shopping for my mom, no excuses just trying to figure out what happened-combed my hair and off I went. THought it wasn't a good idea on the way there but basically didn't care. Am I getting depressed again? I felt hopeless before and especially after I went. I told myself I'd only play the "loose money" and not break the 100. I knew I was setting myself up but didn't care. Came home and just sat on the couch, tired but couldn't sleep. Finally fell asleep and missed church (on purpose). Was I afraid to face my HP because I didn't even ask for help? Was I too embarassed to have to ask for forgiveness again? Or did I just not care? Worrying about both my teens drinking and wondering about the damage my drug addictions caused them due to the dysfunction they grew up in? Feeling bad for what they are going through and that I am powerless over them and over changing the past. Basically let my feelings and thoughts dictate my behavior. Lied to my daughter about where I was. Need to work on positive thinking that leads to positive behaviors.
I am a good mom. God will forgive me. I should never have money in my pocket. I can enjoy a holiday free from addictive behaviors, if I take the necessary steps. I am powerless over other people, places, things, and addictions. I can not change the past but can look at it and learn from it. I can be a good role model for my kids and though I can't control them, I can be a good example now and can give consequences to them for their actions when appropriate. I will have a good future because I will accept that i have many addictions that can be put in recovery if I choose. I will choose to be in recovery today-one day at a time. I will forgive myself and ask God and another human being to help me on this journey. I will be honest about my disease-to myself and to those I reach out to. I started on Geodon and Effexor yesterday and will continue to take as prescribed and be mindful of my depression and mania. I will continue to exercise and take a little time for myself each day. I can do this. 
I will remember that I am a strong woman and can do anything I put my mind to.
UPDATED GOALS
Lose 10 pounds in 6 weeks
Progress 5%
Encouragements: 0
Add your supportComments
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I have been here - I know how you are feeling. Regret, anger, remorse. I know all those feelings. You cannot change the past it's done. Pick up and start again. Recovery is full of lumps and bumps. You can do this, one day at a time - my advice to you is don't try and tackle everything at once. It can be overwhelming. Deal with the thing that is most harmful to your soul - your gambling. I am here, only 6 days clean walking the walk too. - come with me and take my hand. Hugs Suzi
Past Entries
I wish you all the best. I know the thoughts and the guilt you feel after relapse, also the lack of understanding how it happened. What I have finally realised for me after banging my head against the brick walls of life is I absolutely can't gamble. I want someone to take all the urges away too - telling someone , being completely honest really helped me. I think it is a turning point. I wish you well - hugs to you for today and lets make it GF! Suzi
Auzgurl
Hi LaDonnaDee,
My name is Tessa and I am a complusive gambler also. I have been here at DS almost a year and I love the support and journaling it really helps. I hope that we can be friends and share our story with each other.
Hugs
Tessa
TKay
Hello chick,
I'm glad you are here looking for answers and practical advice and sometimes a open ear. I live and die by the site as a means to help me with my Compulsive Gambling. Like Tessa said, I'm a compulsive gambler and I'm trying (and still trying) everything to keep me in active recovery. It sounds like you have an idea about what you need to do. Keep searching until you can find that one (or two or three or four) strategy/method to stay away from your demons. Honesty and rolling up your sleeves for "A hard day's night" was big for me. I had to get brutally honest and start working on recovery before it killed me.
Hope that you keep journaling and using this site.
Light up the darkness,
Chris
jcdob1