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Eventful week. Much self discovery and contemplation. Feelings of peace. Surprising word, peace. Very much connected to comfort. Time heals all wounds? Perhaps.... but I think that time allows you room for thoughts. In grief thoughts are deep, one sided, often numbing, but all a part of this journey. What a journey. What a journey indeed.
Stepping out into the world now is beginning to be better. Cautiously optimistic? Yes, good choice of words. Funny how I can feel her spirit guiding me, even stronger now. She is moving me forward into the light, even when I did not want to walk.... her strength in death pushed me into the light in life. Reflecting on that final hug, kiss and holding her hand for that last breath, I actually find it strengthening me now. Crippling agonizing pain is gone. Memories are still a little sad, but she surrounds me with peace and comfort at those times. I was strong for her. For us. She left. I collapsed. She waited a while...... then gently placed her hand under my chin and raised my head. From my knees I looked up. She stood behind me and lifted me while I only had 1/2 strength. She waited for me to steady my trembling legs. She breathed into my body, and then steadied me as I took my first steps. She paused with me, allowing me to stop and look around, then she moved me forward again. Small baby steps at first, rest, repeat. Then longer paces, pause, continue. She carried me this way for quite a while guiding me and holding me up. Gradually lessening the grip. Til she guided just one arm. Eventually I stood upright completely. Arms steady, knees strong, back bone straight again. I felt her release. I took a couple more steps. Turned to say thanks...... but she was gone. Journey of love complete in death as it was in life. I cherish her strength and guidance. She gave me all of her in life and in death. All of her. The very best.
The new link is bold. A better quality of metal. Made with greater quality control and inspection. A nice compliment to those links of my life that we built before. Forged in the fire of love and cooled by the tears of strength. Strong. Strongest ever. No judgement. No fear. Only love.
She woke me last week to remind me that I cannot continue to live the life we had before she died. It is impossible to continue the same direction without the same resources. A new life must be forged in memory of the old. Not forgetting.... Never! Respecting, loving and building upon the lessons provided. Things may change significantly. Nothing wrong with that. I'm still here walking. No one should judge the path. Our time is limited. So we should look for the beauty around us. Take the most beautiful path. Cherish the journey. Embrace the relationships along the way.
Sucking the bone marrow...... This path is beautiful. WoW !!
Mark
Comments
It is not difficult to interpret that the world is "two by two". Couples in the grocery store, holding hands in the park, sharing special glances. I miss being a part of that world. A comfortable world that I never actually realized I was living in. It is good not to notice. Just means you are comfortable, I suppose.
The last several days have been difficult. "Difficult"? perhaps the understatement of the year. It has been very painful. I played the DVD from the funeral yesterday. Sat and cried. Watched and cried. The dogs tried to comfort. Did'nt work. The phone rings, I don't answer. My cell phone voice messages are full. I can't listen. Heck, I can't even order a pizza right now because I don't want to open the door and see anyone, even just a delivery guy.
I am reading books trying to understand the emotions. The lack of energy, the physical fatigue every day. What the heck is going on?
I promised Sherry that I would "stand pat" for 6 months before I made any significant decisions about anything. But, I am struggling to keep that promise. I want to get the heck out of this house, it is too big for just me. Everywhere I go just reminds me that she is not there, or here, anymore. Role playing takes some of the pain away for a time, but when it returns it seems to have found a renewed source of pain and hits even harder. I began to put her things into boxes. Bathroom first.... death and shampoo bottles, they are just shampoo bottles right?, not a chance, they represent her and putting them away is an acceptance of her never returning to use them. Why am I having difficulty accepting that? It is nuts to think that she will come back. She died in my arms. I placed her on the stretcher to the mortuary. She is gone forever. So why am I thinking that she will need the stuff in the bathroom? I must be nuts.
Her mom calls her cell phone all the time. Probably just to hear her voice. Understandable. Sad, but understandable. I keep paying the cell phone bill and now I wonder how long her mom will need that grief avenue. I can't bear the thought of asking her. Not one bit. I guess I will just keep it going forever, or as long as she needs.
Yep, the world is definately two by two......... and I am only one.
I miss you baby. Big! Very BIG. Always, Mark
Comments
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Your journal entry reminded me of C.S. Lewis's writing on Grief...."When The House Is Empty."
No one ever told me that Grief felt so much like fear.I am not afraid,but the sensation is like being afraid.the same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness,the yawning.I keep swallowing.At other times it feels like being mildly drunk,or concussed.There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me.I find it hard to take in what anyone says.Or perhaps ,hard to want to take it in.It is so uninteresting.Yet I want the others to be about me.I dread the moment when the house is empty.If only they would talk to one another and not to me.There are moments, most unexpectedly, when something inside me tries to assure me that I don't really mind so
much, not so very much,after all.
Love is not the whole of a man's life. I was happy before I ever met (H)Helen.I've plenty of what are called
'resources'...One is ashamed to listen to this voice but it seems for a little to be making out a good case. Then
come a sudden jab of red-hot memory and all this
'commonsense' vanishes like an ant in the mouth of a
furnace...And no one ever told me about the 'Laziness'
of grief...Not only writing but even reading a letter is too much.Even shaving.What does it matter now whether my
cheek is rough or smooth? They say an unhappy man wants distractions-something to take him out of himself.Only as
a dog-tired man wants an extra blanket on a cold night;he'd rather lie there shivering than get up and find one.
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I truly believe that we have a hard time removing their items, etc. because it just reinforces the reality. We KNOW that they are never coming back, but it just makes it even more real, I wish I had the way with words as you do. You could have been reading the blueprints of my mind. I NEVER noticed couples before, now all the time. I have also read probably every book there is out there on grief. Just trying to find that magic potion to get me thru this. I think that the magic potion is within us, and it will come out we just need to be patient. I truly hope that you can WAIT just a bit longer on making a decision on your home. I have heard many horror stories about people who have made the wrong decision too soon and cannot change it and now need to deal with that loss. Try my friend to wait a bit more.... I think everyday that I am not old enough to be with the senior widows, and I am not young enough to even think about having another life with someone. So where am I?? Completely lost and yes just 1 living in a couples world. I hear you Mark. Hugs, Alice
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Yes it seems to be a world of couples...some who have great loving relationships and others who are lonely in their togetherness. You too will be part of a couple again...when your heart is ready. I wish I could take your pain away but that would not heal you...you need to do this for yourself and it sounds like you are already doing it through self reflection and by occasionally seeing through the veil of grief to all that is still good in your life. Be patient with yourself. If you had broken a leg, you would allow it to heal before you put pressure on it. Your pain is still fresh...your heart is broken and because you care deeply, it is connected to everything and everyone in your life...and Sherry was part of everything...therefore please be gentle and patient with yourself...and do whatever you need to take care of yourself...the heart has its own time line for healing...it can't be rushed. "Your joy is your sorrow unmasked...The selfsame well from which your laughter rises was often times filled with your tears...The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." (Kahlil Gibran) I know it's hard, but please don't lose hope. Warmest hugs and prayers, Helen http://www.blessyoumovie.com/
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Mark you couldn't have said it any better than that. I find myself looking at all the couples and wishing to still be a part of that. I absolutely hate being alone. I haven't found the strength to get rid of anything yet. I know that isn't probably very healthy, but maybe I am not ready to accept the fact he isn't coming home. I agree with Alicea, please don't make any big decisions, because in time your house might actually be a place of comfort. Where you can remember all the happy times. I hope tomorrow is better for you, and thanks for being there for me, hugs and prayers, Pam
I am beginning to realize that life is a series of choices. Personal, spiritual choices. I hate the 21st of every month. Sherry died on the 21st. In my arms on the 21st. I find myself very sad now on the 21st. Grief?..... perhaps, not really sure of the feeling any more. It was always grief before, now,..... not really sure. More sad than grief. Lonely? Yea, that's it lonely sadness. Missing what once was, missing her, missing everything, missing us. We were good baby, we were solid! I wish I had the strength I had then. I wish I did'nt know sadness like I do now. Sadness sucks.
I hav'nt been back to the berevement group in a while. Too busy, and not really wanting to grieve with anyone else watching I guess. There was a guy named Dick in the group. Dick was married to his wife for 40+ years. Dick has been going to the group sessions for over 2 years now. I look at his face and I can see his lonely sadness. He misses her alot. He is standing still in life, feeling lonely, feeling lost. I bet she was everything to him too. Poor Dick I think quietly to myself as I stare at his wrinkled shirt. I bet he never wore wrinkled shirts until his wife died. Now Dick just stands still and talks to anyone who will listen. Talks about how sad he is, and how lost.
As I listened to him every Thursday night I realized that "I don't want to be Dick". I don't want to stand still. I want to live. Somehow, I want to live. Not easy. No longer a simple journey. Now the journey is all mine to figure out. No other opinion to consider. No other point of view to change the direction. If I step east, I go east. Or west. Or any direction for that matter. The steps and direction are mine to choose. Life is mine to decide. I am almost 42 years old and for the first time in my life I am completely alone. Direction is owned by me 100%. How to live? Big question now. I know "she" would want me to be happy. Happy, huh?... sounds like a far away place. Far, far away Alice in Wonderland type of place. I keep thinking just "Choose to be Happy". But, were to start?. Where to start indeed? Got to be someplace that Dick is not.... But where?
I keep busy with work, and friends. Great friends. Soulmates. But, what about lonely? Should I try to find another person to love? I want to love. Just scared to now. I have some deep decisions to make. I need to consider the steps closely, keep my guard up, keep everyone away emotionally right now. How fair would that be to love? Choices. Many, many choices. This is difficult. This is painful.
I still miss her. Can't begin to explain the feeling now. I just miss her. I want to love again. I need to love again.......... only now, how?
How indeed.
Comments
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I do not want to be like Dick either,and you are right, we have the choice to live or die while still standing up. I have been reading every grief book I can get my hands on to try and figure this out. There was a quote in the book The Journey of Grief by Doug Manning.It was " As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us, As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us. As long as I can I will remember how many things on this earth were your joy, And I will live as well as you would want me to live As Long As I Can..... I think it pretty much says it all, our loved ones will always have a place in our hearts.... We will find our way and I don't think anyone really wants to be like Dick for the rest of their lives. Wishing you all the best, Hugs, Alice
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A friend of me husbands lost her daughter and then her husband within six months of each other. I called her when my husband passed away. I advise she gave my was what ever you do don't close your heart to love. Love is the key to everything here on earth. I am going to be 50 in just a few weeks, I was with my best friend for 24 years and can't seem you open my mind to ever love again. But like you I don't want to be alone. Maybe her words of open your heart and love will come again.
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My husband died on June 4th, 2008. We had been together 17 years, married 16 years. He was my soulmate and very best friend. About a week before he passed away he told me to find a tall, dark handsome man with a great fat checkbook. I told him yeah right, I only want you. That I would never find love again. He told me to be careful on what I say because it would come back to bite me on the but. I am only 43, and like you so alone. I think if God finds it in his heart to send me someone special down the road, who knows, but he would have to definetly be God sent. I wish you all the love and prayers. I too can not live the rest of my life feeling this way. Take care, Pam
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As hard as it may sound to hear, I think that you are heading in the direction that you need to, for YOU! I don't think there is anything wrong in wanting to love, feel loves, b/c you had it and it was amazing and while you will never have that love, the one you and Sherry shared...that will never leave you, its there inside your heart...it keeps you going. You will not end up like Dick, you have too many great friends, and while I can feel your sadness, lonely sadness... you obviously have a open heart, and since you loved so much already, so pure, so amazing, you know how to....who knows where you will place some love, but when you are ready, it will be there! I am wishing you much peace and sending you a hug, knowing that you will find your way, it will happen. Be well Mark!
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I'm so sorry Mark, for your loss. My husband died two years ago this coming October. I read your journal, I have a friend who is also a widower of about 17 mos and was close just like you were with Sherri. He had been with his wife almost 30 years, I had been with my husband 20. We've been friends about a year, and he's very special to me. It does get easier, but it's a process. Please don't jump into dating, take your time, and harbor friends. I thought I wanted to date, but what I found instead was a friend and that was what I needed 6 mos after my husband died...I never found what I wanted, I found what I needed. At the time we really needed each other to lean on, it was nice that someone else knew what it was like. And it still is. He still has rough days, a bit rougher than mine, but I'm always there for him, and he knows it. So if you look for friends, Mark, you could find a special one, I did. I don't know if it will ever be an intimate relationship, but I do know we're very special to each other. So I live in the moment, and don't rush to think about tomorrow.
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My Lonnie has been gone almost four months now. I have been through so many emotions. From numb, accepting, not accepting, angry, enormous grief, feeling crazy, lost touch with reality and so many more as I am sure you have. Lonely? I am very lonely? Things are finally getting a little better for me. I hope and pray they will for you too! You are in my prayers!
Past Entries
You NEVER cease to amaze me.... Your wife was so lucky to have you. You are right, just like a baby, I think they are there helping us to grow, to walk, to laugh again. Hugs to you my friend, Alice
alicea
"Memory is the diary we all carry about with us." Your love story is beautiful ... and your writing does it justice... your words express who you are and the world is blessed by what you bring to it and have yet to bring. I wish you the very best as you continue with your journey. Warmest hugs and prayers, Helen
Terpsichore1
This long journey has taken you to a place that is remarkable! My Dad said that my Mom was the links that kept everyone and everything together... and now, with her love and we need to have even stronger links that will ntever break as long as we keep her love alive. Your words I find inspiring b/c i do know that there is beauty right in front of me, I just need to be reminded! thanks for that! Hugs to you!
mymompia