MusicalWolf's Journal

Its been two days since my last entry, I am determined to keep this going. It may be therapeutic to write stuff that I feel or general happenings. Since only one person has read an entry, I don't feel like I have to write like I'm telling a story. The leash is coming off! This doesn't mean I'm stopping the pills again but I will be talk to the psychiatrist this week and I will suggest a new combination cause I want back on the antidepressants. I love my boyfriend dearly and I try to be reasonable about his endeavors onthe ship that never stays in port long in Japan. I don't feel that all of me is in love with him, I still don't trust him. I know that he wouldn't cheat on me, but the issue is dealing with another woman. When he was a senior in high school, he met his first love. When he enlisted into the Navy, her parents no longer approved of their relationship. She was a freshman approaching to sophomore, too young for a long distance relationship and it would be illegal. So they parted ways on someone else's terms so there was no real closure. Now, she's in love with someone else and he's with me, but they remain best friends. From experience, I don't normally do long distance relationships or date guys that are feminine in nature and still associate with ex's. Well, I never planned on our relationship lasting longer than the day he left to go back to Japan but he's persistence is a bit charming. There was a quiz e-mail we both did and one question asked about where we wish what year we could go back to. I answered 2005 instinctively because that was my most happiest year, I was on the meds, sociable, work was productive and upbeat, and I was sent to a school for network training. His response was 2003, which was his senior year in high school and was with Kristy. Now, I don't hate her or have jealousy towards. I am territorial and I've made that clear to him, that, though I hold no ill-will towards her, if I met her I will knock her on her ass and then we might be friends.  I loved someone before him, we ended on good terms and friendly whenever there's a phone call, but he is not in my life. This feeling of insecurity has been around since she first called and he left the room to talk, I don't like feeling like the second runner-up. I am trying not to read too much in the answer but I don't want to get hurt either. Plus, I have focused so hard on being loyal and faithful that I have closed myself from being social. I mainly meet people at clubs, bars, and events but I worry that my flirty promiscous side will get out of control and I will damage a good relationship. This alienation is starting to feel like a prison or a work-release, because its work, gym, dojo, store and home. I'm making changes and taking risk, cause I may be the big reason why I feel so miserable. Sorry babe, but the leash is off.