recent03's Journal

Thursday night.  I read him the letter I had written him for the therapy session.  He didn't show up for the session.  His response was that he thought he was supposed to tell me if he WAS going to be able to make it.  He didn't really respond to my letter.  My therapist suggested asking him, "Do you want to come home?"  He told me not to ask and I when I asked what was holding him back, he said he didn't need anymore shit.  So, I said, "So, your son and I are shit?"  He smiled and said, "that's not what I meant." and I said, well that is what I heard.  I asked him if he loved me and again he said, "I've told you I don't know what love is".  I said can you remember a time that you loved me?  I can't answer that. 

In my letter, I mention that I think if for NO other reason, we ought to consider putting our own pride aside and reconcile for our son.  I believe that he deserves both of us.

I was proud of the way I handled myself tonight.  I did not beg, plead or grovel.  I simply stated my feelings and that i have a desire for us to reconcile and move forward.  I do wish that. 

Some other thoughts:  I think he is being selfish.  My therapist thinks he might be depressed and said again that he might need to see a medical doctor.  As much as I do love him and wish we could reconcile, a part of me just wants to say to him that it is just not fair what you are doing.  I should not have to take care of the dogs, the house, and our son by myself.  Is the fact that I'm having these thoughts mean that I really don't want to change?  I don't think so.  I think just lilke I can't expect him to come home immediately, I probably can not change over night either.