madineo's Journal

Where do I begin.  My head is spinning so fast and everything is confused, upside down, inside out.

Things have been a little tough for me lately with my endo.  I'm on zoladex, where they inject a small rice grain sized thingy into your tummy.  This sends your body into a sort of temporary early menopause type state, in order to help the endo.  I have to have this down every 4 weeks.  So on top of the endo, I've had a week of hellish menopausal symptoms.

BUT all that pales in comparison to the last few days.

Let me back track a little.  The only real problem that James and I have in our relationship, is the drinking issues he has.  I know a lot of that stems from his bipolar and when he is high the first thing he does is binge drink.  But I know the drinking problem goes deeper than that.  And I also know he can not drink when he's on a high if he focuses his energy elsewhere, which is what he has been doing the last couple of weeks.

However, on wednesday we had a disagreement about his drinking.  And it all went downhill from there. 

He went out wednesday night and drunk.  Thursday, we both agreed that we needed a bit of space, so I was going to go and stay at a friends house.  He swore, promised and agreed that he wouldnt or couldnt drink because that wasnt helping him get on top of the issues (which I might add he is in counselling for).  I went to my friends and he turned up there to pick something up, and I snapped him out with a shitload of alcohol, partially drunk already.

I of course flipped out, realising that he hadnt wanted a break to help our relationship, he wanted it so he could get absolutely munted. 

To cut a long story short, I decided that I was going home because why should I have to leave my own home for his own selfish reasons, that and I had to take care of the animals, because he wasnt going to be in a state to do it.

Later that night he returned home and was in his usual confrontational mood that he gets in when he is manic or drunk or the two combined.  I of course refused to argue with him and continued to speak calmly as he got more wound up.  This resulted in him throwing the cellphone at my head, trying to kick in the bathroom door that I had locked myself in so I could some peace, and kicking my hand when I tried to give his phone back to him.

He called the police on me to have me removed from our home, which of course didnt work and was a complete waste of time.  So in his state I managed to convince him that he stay in the lounge, and I stay in the bedroom which is what I was attempting to do in the first place.  That went well for a few hours, with him passing out in the chair.

Now usually when this happens, he wakes up after a few hours and is calmer than before, goes to bed and wakes up the next morning having slumped into the low of his bipolar, where he stays for a day or two before going back to "normal".

Not this time, he woke up in a worse state, even more irratic, confrontational and aggressive.  I had never seen him this bad before.  He was yelling out in the lounge in a scottish accent, about something I couldnt even understand.  He then got up and staggered out to the toilet, then to the front door.  Next thing he barged into the bedroom, accusing me of locking him in the house (I lock the front door every night), then began demanding the car keys.  I of course refused to give them to him because of his present state.  I explained that I would open the front door, and then open the car door so he could get whatever he wanted, but that I couldnt give him the keys and risk him driving.

This of course did not go down to well and resulted in him grabbing my arm in one of those fancy military moves, and almost snapping it in order to get the keys from me.  I somehow managed to get out of it, ran out the house and unlocked the car door.  He came out of the house to go to the car and I ran back inside, locking the front door and him out.   This is the first time ever I have been scared of James.  I have never seen him that nasty or aggressive, and I'm still in shock over it all.

He then proceeded to kick in the front door as I called the police.  At some stage between there and the police arriving, he also got me in a headlock.  Eventually he also went and called the police, telling them that I had gone crazy and requesting a psychiatric unit for me.  The upshot was that the police came and removed him, taking him to a friends place.

Now as I mentioned usually by the next day he has slumped into the depression and realises what has happened, and that ends the high.  Not this time, the next day he was calling and texting me telling me I had to get out of our house and that he was coming to get the car, etc etc.

By this stage I knew he really wasnt right, and called his doctor voicing my concerns about his condition, as this really is not "My James" normal well behaviour.

The upshot is, that a psych team turned up to our friends house to access him and he has been sectioned into the local psychiatric hospital.

I am of course according to him the nastiest bitch for doing this to him, that he is not unwell, and that when he gets out he's going to fuck up everyone, burn down the hospital and go on the biggest bender.

I know deep down inside that this is the illness talking, that he is not well.  But I'm still fearful that this is it now, game over.  That everything is ruined and over.  That he will never forgive me, and wont get well.

I also feel guilty for doing it.  I'm struggling, grieving, and I am an overflowing torrent of emotions right now.  All I can do is pray and beg that he comes right, that he realises he is in the best place, and that he gets the help he needs and becomes well again.