mysticthunder's Journal

I am more depressed now then I have been in my life in a very long time..I just can't function..I feel horrible still, but the pain is getting less each day, but not enough to stop the nausea..I should be jumping for joy because I have no more cancer, but honestly I just CAN'T! I think everything just hit me after this last surgery...this was the ringer for sure, it was a surgery I NEVER want to repeat...its 6 days post op and I feel today that it will never end, I have hot flashes that makes me want to pass out, I have NO energy and I can't even sleep, I have had major panic attacks in my sleep none the less, I will wake up at 4am in a panic, so that means I have to get up, go downstairs and take a Xanax...then try and relax enough to go back to sleep then the dogs want up and outside by 7:30am, once I get up for that long I can't go back to sleep. I have had major bursitis pains in my hips that nearly put me down to my knees, I have numbness in my right leg & lower back (of course no one knows why) and numbness in my armpit, shoulder and horrific shooting pains in my boob..I feel like a fucking freak, my boob is scared for life, its dented and now this other 4 inch incision..Sometimes I think I should have just went with my first instincts to have a mastecomy, hell I don't know...what's done is done...nothing I can do about it and of course it just fucking hit me OMG I HAVE BREAST CANCER...what stupid emotions that go through my mind...I have hit rock bottom for sure...its going to take me awhile to get out of this one...I need some therapy....I can't do this, I really can't do this...I thought I was stronger than this...I guess I am not..I need some guidence, something...

I thank you very much for all the wonderful cards I have been receiving..you know who your are...its amazing how many people who are feeling really rough and still take the time out to send me something so special...One day I hope to return the favor whenever I get out of this awful funk I am in...I can't talk about anything..its just doesn't help at this point in time..I am sure what I am feeling is normal, after all I have been on the rollercoaster from hell in just a short time...my life will NEVER be the same again..who knows what the future holds none of us do...I have to let God take my future and do with it as he pleases, but it doesn't make my brain work any better regardless..Sorry about the foul words, but I have no feelings at all really about them...I am just excusing myself so that I don't offend anyone...but honestly I don't care if I use foul words...I thought that finding out that I had breast cancer would be hard and YES don't get me wrong it was HELL, but this time, this surgery, this everything is way worst....I think my hormones are playing a huge part in my thinking process...Ok, I had my period for 23 days post op last time from the Lovenox...11 days passed and there was nothing..then on the 4th of July I started my period again...OMG WTF? How do you build up so much more lining to go again? But thankfully it was super light, no cramps and just a bothersome issue..so then I started Lovenox again on July 7th and was able to get 4 injections in and wouldn't you know it...I started the rash immediately (yes the rash still itches and is in 3 spots on my stomach), and I started spotting, and yes I am STILL spotting...shit! and the lovenox this time around caused my hands, feet and calves to swell right up...Major side effect..so they pulled me off the dam drug and I went into surgery without my safety net and freaked out after surgery, the first thought??? OMG Do I have a blood clot!!

I tell you what...my mind ran away somewhere...being paranoid is a horrible feeling..I know the panic attacks started again when I first found I have cancer...why they are still here? I have no clue...I get sick and tired of hearing..."O you can control those panic attacks" BULLSHIT...not when they start in my deep sleep...If you don't know something is happening...how are you suppose to stop them???? Xanax is the ONLY thing anymore that stops the attacks in their tracks...so you know what? I will continue taking them...OMG I am bitchy...I feel it worst now...as soon as I was able to be awake enough after surgery I wanted to tear someone's head off...I thankfully wasn't nasty to my mother...I couldn't have dealt with treating her like that...she has been NOTHING but very supportive throughout all of this..Then on top of all of my own shit...she is having tests done on her heart...something isn't right...OMG I am praying that everything turns out ok...she is too young to have something be wrong with her, she is the STRONGEST lady I know..she can work circles around me sitting down...LOL God says that he won't give anyone more then they can handle? I beg to differ...