mysticthunder's Journal

I get so frustrated with myself, my last journal was so positive, I was on top of the world and even tho I am very grateful for being alive, I still can't get over the nasty days...its like someone turns a light switch on and off in my head...yesterday I had road rage all day long whether I was driving or not! It was just one of those days, and I really tried to get a grip...I was so angry and I know its a part of this process...how can it not be? I saw my family doctor and she was so nice this time, it was a pleasant visit, then I had to have some meds filled and of course the wonderful medicaid paid for all of it but one and I thought that since I was still on the sliding fee scale (as a back up, or so I thought it makes sense to me) that it would pick up the script that medicaid didn't! Well Hell No it will not, even tho that scale is based on our income...I can only use medicaid! Then why have the "sliding fee"? Well anyways, I couldn't get the Zyrtec filled, medicaid will only pay for the claritin and that shit doesn't work!! My allergies are running high with all this rain we have been having I can't get over this asthma flare...its brought on by all the dampness...UUUGGGGHHH!

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So I am still on the steroid's, inhalers, nebulizer, and now she put me on advair which I have taken before and it gave me thrush and a hoarse voice for 6 weeks, but she swears by it, so I am trying it again...Of course I rinse my mouth out very well, so we shall see...its just a nuisance, I know I am complaining, but I can..... then of course the nasty leg cramps are back, so I bought some bananas for the potasium, hopefully it works cuz these cramps are horrible! I found that when they start in the middle of the night to grab my calf and squeeze and put my foot flat on the floor and they actually stop, so that is a good thing, as long as it works! That to me is the worst pain, OMG! Then the fibro has been acting up, I went 3 weeks pain free, besides my hips and it was so nice....I have decided so far that all those painful injections in my hips weren't worth it..I still have pain and the injection sites itch like hell and still hurt..it feels like a constant very mild muscle cramps in my thighs and hips....I won't be doing that again anytime soon. He told me that I would feel the full effects of the drugs in about 2 weeks, well its been just over a week and not a difference...they still hurt and ache! I go to the spine clinic on monday, I am praying for some relief....I hope they can help me, the pain and numbness is awful! I am just falling apart! Then I start physical therapy on tuesday, but I am sure that will be put on hold since my surgery is coming up and I don't think I will feel like going to PT once radiation starts....I will probably have to have another referral to continue and my doctor is all for that....I am so glad that she is taking the approach she is taking...I guess its worth all the hassles of going to that dam clinic if someone actually pays attention to my pain and anquishes....my family doc told me yesterday that I am in real pain, I have real problems and she will help me anyway she can no matter what it takes, she will make things happen for me...AMEN sister!!!

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Mom and I are going to plant some pretty flowers in my yard today, its cool out but sunny and my yard is just too GREEN...I have things growing all over, but I am a colorful lady and I need more COLOR....so we are going to add this and that, nothing too expensive but somethings that are pretty and give my house and yard some character...I am actually looking forward to planting...I am not usually a "yards" person, but since I have my own beautiful home, well its just natural to want to make it pretty....simple but pretty...I have a huge yard and many trees so there isn't many full sun places, but that is ok, cuz the flowers I love the most require part shade!!! I am in the process of cleaning the yard up, you know the burning of limbs, leaves and all that stuff...I can't seem to get my husband to want to do anything except work on his truck, even his garage is a total nightmare but he is just too flippin lazy to do anything that requires work! It really makes me mad, we are suppose to take PRIDE in what we have, its a hard and lonely road doing it alone...yes I even burn the stuff up with my asthma! when it gets too hard to breath, I just throw on a mask....one day I will be alone again...OMG how I can't wait for that day....why bother with a husband who is so self centered? Even in my cancer journey, he isn't all that supportive, he still thinks about HIS aches and pains...he doesn't talk to me about anything and its all the same, we fight and argue all the time, so why do it? Its coming to the end of a long and painful marriage, it all takes time to put things in place....I am basically waiting for my SSD to get here...(when I win it of course) and move on...I long to live in a different state, we are moving to Georgia eventually....It looks like it will be just mom and I and our brood of hairy 4 legged creatures...but I am ok with that...I am really ok with that!!!!

Well you all have a wonderful relaxing weekend and I will post another time...MUAH to all my wonderful friends!!!!!