silentviolin's Journal

The flu bug has passed again, yet the pit of my stomach aches, my ribs creak, eyes and throat burn.

I wanted to die the other night.  End all the pain.  But I want a child, I want to feel love again.

I called home today.  My sister is still gone, my mother is still screwing aroud and absent, and now I learn my brother totaled his car, driving drunk, and went to jail.  I have enough nightmares already about my little sister, and now I almost lost my brother.  He just turned 21 a few weeks ago, but has had a problem for the last two years.  No funeral for my grandmother either.  No one has even told me where her resting place is.

No one calls, or writes, despite my renewed efforts.  My doggies are gone, and even my flowers from the garden are gone.  The landlord literally harvested MY garden under the guise of "pruning".  People cannot be trusted.

I have to start attending to my own survival. 

I have a plan.

1. Get healthy

2. Get a job

3. Do charity work

4. Finish School

5. Travel Abroad w/ Peace Corp. 

I have tried being a better and more communicative partner.  Unfortunately, he is more helpless than me at times, and is currently, once again, passed out drunk.

I've lost ten pounds in the last three weeks, I've been so ill.  Also, mister smokes and drinks all day was unable to take me grocery shopping for the first two weeks, worsened by the fact he was abusing xanax and napping all day.  So I went a few days without anything to eat, but this was AFTER I had been unable to keep any food down for three days.

I feel like I've been to hell and back, but I still want to try to find heaven. 

I've spent the past three weeks now vomitting, in the bathroom, and sleeping on the couch.  I mope around until I can manage to keep some cereal down, then lay down and try to read and rest.

My bf is being a couch potato right now, it's his off-time, but I have just had my limit lately: no more snakes, ants, or Iceroad Truckers PLEASE.  And you can never convince a boy its not personal when you need some space....mine doesn't even want me out of his sight for a minute.  We are in love, and usually it is wonderful, but when I am curled up in the fetal position, I am not in the right mind or body to make housecalls or play hostess. 

Tomorrow, so I don't spend yet another day hoping this virus will kill me already, I am waking up early to go to a Sunday morning Puja at the Tibetan Temple.  I hope this journey will awaken my spirit and implant some bravery. 

I have been shopping three times now without having a panic attack.  Then Thursday, I walk in, then immediately run out of, a snobby coffee shop - while on my panic med.  Grrrrrrr....

Throughtout this time, we have been living off savings while we both look for work.  I don't even have a resume together yet.  My heart pounds dangerously at the thought of recruiters and interviews all over again.  I still have nightmares about IGT and Swift.

I'm trying to convince my bf to join the peace corp together.  I thought about it after high school, but my parents considered it too liberal.  If not, we both have to work and save for our degrees (grad for him, assoc for me), not to mention a new house...

So if I'm not throwing up acid and bile, I'll losing my lunch over each day's to-do list.