lorilyn's Journal

I felt ok today, but was pretty much shunned at work.  Tina still won't talk to me I guess cuz I came home....She turned her nose up to Jim when driving by, she thinks we're stupid for staying together.  I felt like I was in grade school.  I have a very dear friend, who, in grade school-on up- would get mad at me, my friends, whoever, and make the rest of us, them, be mad at the other(s).  I went thru hell growing up.  She got alot of help over the years and admits her problems and has apologized profusely. She has been one of my best friends since 4th grade, and I love her still, even tho she made me think I was not a 'useful' friend at times.  We were inseperable SO much when we were younger, yet, could find fault in me, then realized, much later, it was HER that was more to blame, ad has admitted it.  I will love her till the day I die.  I can pick up the phone right now and it would be like 20 years ago, nothing changed, our friendship has never actually died.  never could.  I have only 2 friends like that, the other I have known since 1st grade, and we REALLY were inseperable!  Her mom would call me to come stay the night!!  Those are the friends I need now!!!  I feel there is NO ONE.  These 2 don't care abut my problems, they've had them and I was there for YEARS, as they were for me.  But I feel I don't want to interfere w/their lives, they have kids, I don't, but I know if I didn't get a hold of them, they would be pissed. 

I need some other friends that way.  These 2 could NEVER be replaced, I treasure them like diamonds, but I need some that are here NOW.  I don't feel that.

 Getting older really sucks.  I love my Jimbo (here's a funny, his name is James Robert= JimBob!) ;) 

Anyway, I feel VERY alone, ALOT.  Even if Jim and I are getting along, his friends come over, they work outside, I don't know what to do w/myself.  My 1st grade friend, Tricia, is dating my boyfriends ex-brother-in-law.  They were to come over last April, but never came by.  Thought that would get me & Trish back together.  Jim and him got along fine, but it didn't happen.  I need to keep up on that, I guess.  Don't know what happend, but it didn't.  Hopefully I can get ahold of her and MAKE it happen where we can all keep in touch.  We are still friends w/his other brother-in-law, Tommy, he's a good guy, bro to the other, but John hasn't been around for awhile.  Jim was really kind of wanting to see him.  He missed me & Trish together, he would have learned 'the real me'!!!  We were a blast together!!!  Have SOOOOOO many stories, twisted, but true......We had ALOT of fun growing up together....In 2nd grade, we had the taped 'directories' of our work, well, we accidentally pushed the 'record' button', taped over the assignment.....we were in TROUBLE!!!!  SECOND GRADE!!!!  There are SOOOOOOOOOOO many stories that I MUST write a book!  I'm laughing right now remebering Mrs. Paulson slamming our heads into the brick wall @ Bristol Elementary for making fun of someone, 2nd grade again.  I know, shouldn't be funny, bt Trish &  STILL laugh!!!! Then there was the mom who clawed my neck, pushed me into traffic cuz she thought I was calling her daughter names (wasn't me, but Jeff, got off the bus before me) so I yelled back and the above happend.  My  other best bud ,Lisa's brother came running down the road yelling, "Suck my dick!" They called the cops on ME! My mom wouldn't  press charges, I WAS READY!!! Had to go to their house, heard a sob story, her daughter and I became friends.

OMG!!!!  Most people DON'T know my past, the hell I've been thru, the FUNNY hell I've been thru...Got caught shoplifting at 15 in Bristol at Hardings......Walked to Bonnyville Mill at 10:30 @ night to meet our boyfriends, they never showed up, got home @ 2 am, sis thought she had me, but my house key was tied to my shoe....these ARE my best friends I did this with.  I need them...they were there, they KNOW me.  I NEED THEM!!!!  Things were easier w/them, but that was another time.  I'm not 15-18 anymore.  Now it's REAL!!!!  I still live in those times, cuz they were safe.  I MUST write my book, "The Destruction of Lori" and pary t God, thesequel "The Reconstruction of Lori".  Honest, want to.

I got alot out of me tonight, more tomoorw, there's lots.......I feel better....