Rileigh's Journal

Today Mark snapped at me, and I cracked. I cried harder than I ever have, and I was about to rip my razor apart to get a blade to cut myself (I lost the last one) when mom came downstairs. I told her what had happened and she listened...she said that she snaps at me sometimes, and I told her that SHE wasn't the one who nearly ripped my family apart. I told her that I hate him and I don't think he's ever going to change. Then Mark came down, and I rold him to go away. He asked why he was getting yelled at, and mom told him. He told mom what had happened, but he made it soundl ike it was my own fault that he had snapped at me! I was so outraged...I said that I hadn;t done anything wrong and he said I had been snotty, and I know that I wasn't! So I yelled to go away, and that I hate him... he left. I cried a lot more with mom comforting me. He came back down later to apologize. I accepted his appology...but in my head I was thinking, how could I ever forgive you for what you did? Not when he snapped at me...before that. When he cheated on my mother!? I hate him! He says he wants to be my friend, but I can't forgive him...I want to, but I can't. (in case you don't know, Mark is my step dad) So I'm going to have to talk to him later tonight...I am terrified. I don't know what to say...mom told me to say whatever I was feeling but I don't know if I can. I just want to die so I don't have to do this anymore because I am so stupid and I hate it and I hate my ego and my pain body and I need to get OUT