timmy18's Journal

My mom gave me a book this past weekend about what happens when we die.  It's written by a pastor in Chicago and based on Scripture.  In it there is a section on infants.  Last week I was so upset about a passage I read from Matthew, thinking I might not see my son in heaven and this just contradicted what I thought that passage said.  I was hoping I misunderstood what I had read and I guess I had cuz in the book I'm reading now he says that not only will I see Timmy but he will be waiting for me to hold him again.   One of the first things this book says is that our relationships will pick up right where they left off when we get to heaven.  I am so eager to see him again and hold him and just be his mother like I was before he died.  You can't imagine how it destroyed me to think when he died that was that and never again was I going to see him.  I was so happy last night I cried thinking about the day I get to hold my baby again.  It may be wrong of me, but I can't wait to die now.  I know all you mothers who have lost their children can understand.  I'm still torn cuz I don't want to leave my daughter though. 

Another thing that gave me a little comfort was something I read in the book of Wisdom.  I have asked over and over again why God took my son from me.  It didn't so much answer why MY son was taken but gave a general reason why He takes children.  He spares them from growing up in this world of sin and pain.  I watch my daughter come home from school after being teased and see the pain in her eyes and it kills me.  I've been there and know how much it hurts.  I do what I can to help her, but I can only do so much.  Kids can be awful, and she's only 10.  She still has high school and all the peer pressure to look forward to.  My son never has to deal with that.  He was always happy and innocent.  I'll forever remember him that way.  I can thank God for that.  The selfish part of me still wants him here, but he was never really mine to begin with, was he?   I was so lucky to have him here for an entire year and he brightened my life in so many ways I can't even begin to tell you.  Plus he didn't have learn how awful life can really be.  He remained innocent throughout his life.  God really does work in mysterious ways, doesn't He?