timmy18's Journal

I finally met up with my ex this past weekend.   It didn't go as I had hoped it would.  We had a long talk about our relationship, which we had planned to do.  However, the outcome was bad.  The fact of the matter is, he doesn't love me anymore.  He's had a hard time telling me cuz he doesn't wanna hurt me.  The problem with that is he's just been prolonging the inevitable.  I've been clinging to something that isn't ever gonna happen. 

After he left, I was miserable.  I couldn't hardly eat or sleep for days, weeks even.  It took me a long time to get over him, if you can even call it that.  Eventually I managed to find a way to get on with my life.  I still couldn't see myself with anyone else, I've never dated anyone else or even looked at anyone else in that sort of way.  Still I was making progress in moving forward without him. 

Then out of the blue one day he called me.  At first we just talked what you call little more than friends.  After what he did and everything it took me to get past that, there was no way I was going to put myself in the position to go through that sort of hurt again.  Now look at where I am again.  Why did he call me and act like he wanted to be with me again if he doesn't love me anymore?  Now I'm back where I was a few years ago, except I don't feel so angry at him.  I can't blame him for not loving me anymore.  He can't help how he feels. 

Still, here I am at work trying to hide my tears.  I've tried convincing myself that it doesn't hurt so bad, since he didn't do anything to hurt me like he did last time, but it does.  I've still lost him.  He's the one I love and now I know for sure that our life together is over.  Until the weekend there was still hope.  That hope is gone for good and that does hurt-it hurts real bad. 

I guess now I have to start on that road to recovery like I did before.  It's different this time cuz last time I still had that little bit of hope that someday we'd be together again.  He and I always had a connection that I can't even begin to descibe.  I still felt it the night before he left.  I told myself he just had to take some time to figure out what he was doing with his life.  I have to retrain my brain, learn that he's gone for good and we'll never be together again.  God, I can't even write that without crying.  How am I gonna live like this?

Why is it that everytime I think I've got my life on track and everything under control, it turns to sh*t?  This past week has been a total mess.  I can feel myself sliding into a deep depression over all the crap that's been going on and I'm trying to control it, but just when I think it can't get any worse, it does.  I went to my son's grave this weekend and sat there for an hour and just cried my eyes out.  It was partly for the loss of him, but mostly asking him to help me.  I feel so lost and I don't know what to do.  I feel so much pressure coming from all sides, even from places I didn't know existed before.

I've got more debt now and no extra income to account for it.  The thing is, I haven't done anything to put myself in this position.  The mail lost a $200.00 money order to my credit card so they added all kinds of extra fees plus increased my interest rate.  My car broke down and it's gonna cost me another $200 to fix it.  My cat hurt her leg, and the cost of x-rays and vet bills is outrageous.  All of this is hitting me at once and I've only got the one income and that barely pays my normal bills.  I have to pay to get reimbursed for the lost money order, but that's gonna take 1-2 months and I need the money now.

My mom recently told me she's severely depressed and that's really stressing me out.  She said she went to a visitation and all she thought about was why couldn't it be her in the coffin.  That really upset me.  I didn't know what to say.  Seriously, how do you respond to something like that?

My daughter is going through a phase where she overreacts to any minor cut or bruise.  The tiniest little scrap and she freaks.  She acts like she's dying and expects me to treat her accordingly.  I don't know how to get her past that.  I've tried explaining to her that she's not dying and she needs to realize that she'll be ok, but it doesn't work.  If I don't give her all kinds of attention she tells me I don't love her.  What am I supposed to do? 

I didn't get to see my ex this weekend due to my car breaking down.  He is so much stronger than I am and helps me through these things.  I did talk to him last night.  However, the conversation turned from Abbie and the problems I'm having to his past affairs and ended in a big blowout.  I don't know when I'm gonna get to talk to him again since I can't afford to call him.  Now I feel really awful.  I know we need to talk about what happened and work through it, but I let my recent troubles and stress take hold of me and I took it out on him. 

I keep praying to God to help me, but my troubles keep multiplying.  What am I doing wrong here?  I know it's not right, but I feel like God isn't listening to me.  Why is He testing me like this?  I don't know how much more I can take.

Luke 12:10  "...but to him who blasphemes against the Holy Spirit, it will not be forgiven"

Jesus spoke those words.  Well, after my son died I cursed God for taking my son from me.  Does this mean I'll never be forgiven?  That I'm destined to spend eternity in hell?  I have asked God for forgiveness for what I did and thought that I was forgiven, but now I'm not so sure.  I know what I did was wrong.  It was one of the worst things a person could do, right along with murder.  I am embarrassed for doing it and I hate that I have to live with it.  But I know that all the parents who have lost a child can understand, if they haven't done it themselves.  I can only hope they too have repented, even if it does no good as it appears to from this verse.  After reading this I cried.  I know I'm not the perfect Catholic.  I don't go to mass everyday, even though it's offered, but I go every weekend.  I have epilepsy and need sleep or I could have a seizure so I can't get up early everyday.  I don't pray the rosary everyday like we're supposed to.  Sometimes a week will go by without my praying it.  I do pray everyday, though not as much as I think I should.  I do read from the Bible everyday and take time to really comprehend what I read.  (I think-sometimes I might take it too literally)  However, when I'm at work I tend to stray.  It is hard to be a Christian around so many woman who have no religious beliefs.  I know I should take this opportunity to teach them about God and how wonderful He is, but I give in.  I am by no means a leader and that's what I would have to be.  It's an awful excuse, I know.  So what am I supposed to do?  I've prayed for God to somehow let me know if I'm doomed to hell because of my past.  I know he won't answer me directly, but what other options do I have?   I guess I just have to keep my eyes and ears open.