sadeygreen's Journal

First of all I need to say to everyone of my dear friends here how much your caring and support has meant to me.

With Dans death and my world changing so much I often feel like a fish out of water, but I know I can come here and you all understand.

We all hurt for whatever the reason may be or the cause but the pain is the same. and when the days that come are full of clouds and rain I know here I wil always find the sun shining.

With a world so full of lonely heartbroken people, here we have found each other and what a true blessing that is.

I wish we could all meet in one room and just think of how wonderful it would be to spend hours really talking and caring and understanding each other.

What a time we would have!!!!!!

Well now for an up-date on how I am doing, Some days are good and others aren't but I'm trying to settle in to my new life and I'm not always sure how to do that, but I think whats important is that I havien't given up and I'm still trudging along.

I was planning to buy a car but since my son's is available if I need it and since I don't know where I am anyway and would more then likely get lost I don't see any real reason to.

I'm still thinking about buying a computer to put in my room but I havien't decided yet.

Why is decision making so hard for me?

Well lets talk about what I spend alot of time trying to avoid,Dan.

As always I have my days that are worse then others and I think the shock of it that seems to come in waves is the hardest part.

We mourn so deeply the loss of someone we have loved and cared for and spent a portion of our lives with,and sometimes the guilt of not being there when he died is overwhelming,but at the same time I honestly believe that he only waited until he knew I was safe with my children

to let go and find his way back home.

There are many things he said and I know I was his main concern , but I didn't realize completely or really believe that he would go.

What we sense in our spirit and when we are warned we don't always see it as reality because we don't really believe fully that it could or would happen.

And by the way,I really do love you all so much!

This life is for the living but truley there is no death, we close our eyes for a moment and open them to be greeted by our loved ones who guide us to the other side,Its those of us who are left behind that have to learn and grow and try to mend our boken hearts and begin again.

I use to tell him that I wouldn't even consider being with someone else for alot of reasons and I was honest about my reasons, but he always would graze over the top of those reasons and tell me how he wanted me to find someone and not spend the rest of my life alone, Dan loved me in his way and I know that.