Maugain's Journal

In 1991, I had just returned from Germany and been released from the Army due to medical issues. I had been communicating with the older sister of a buddy from college and I had about decided that I should marry her. I recall a conversation with my grandmother about my intentions to marry her. My grandmother said, "If this is what you want to do, then I think it is great. Just don't hurt that girl." Once we set a date, I let my grandmother know of our plans. She responded, "Just don't hurt that girl."

In order for this to make sence, you have to understand that I was(am) in love with my high school sweetheart. Well meaning family members on both sides decided that the relationship was not good for us and we were forced to part ways. In retrospect, I think my grandmother new that I was not over my high school love. Now there is more to my situation than just potentially hurting my wife. There are 3 wonderful children involved.

One question "know it all" family members. If you were so concerned over my high school relationship not being "right for me," then why would you allow me to marry someone you liked with the fore shaddowing of pain that I was destined to inflict? Know it is not lost on me that your concern for pain in life was for my wife to be and not for me. I was allowed, no, forced to hurt. Yet, you felt the need to preach to me about causing someone else pain? Good job! Hang my nuts on the wall along with the nuts of all the other men you have emasculated in you life. I tried to be who you wanted me to be for 20 years. I give up. I am killing myself with these efforts. You get me back. The hitch is that, in many ways, I am 18 again (or still). I will fulfill my duties as husband and father the best that I can, but that is all I will give. I have no place for anyone wanting to tell me "how I should do it."