missknownada's Journal

i was just like i expected myself to be for the most part. i didn't say much and generally expressed very little personality and was a complete bore. i felt like a stranger but i also felt so left behind socially from everyone else (as usual). i just don't have anything to say but even when i do i don't talk loud and i can see from the look in the people hearing my voice eyes that they can't hear me. i just don't talk loud or confidently at all and people probably rarely understand what i say. for the first time i did not feel like everyone around me was better than me and thats good. i saw myself as on their level for the most part and you would think that would help me loosen up but it didn't in being confident but it did in the physiological sense i think. i know that people noticed my social ineptness and i know that they will be talking about it and that kinda hurts me. i also noticed that i can't care about individuals (except for myself) when i am around alot of people. its kinda strange cuz i want to say or do something nice that i would probably do in absence of the crowd but i can't. i just sit there and think about doing it for a while until the opportunity to do it ceases and i feel guilty for not doing and then i start daydreaming about how i could be to get my mind off the guilt. i'm very weird i know and i don't know why i'm like this but its like this is my comfort zone and tho ultimately bad for me i really like being there, i just hate the part when people start talking about me or thinking about me negatively becuase of it. so thats the bad i took from it. the good part is that after listening to my mother talk one day about my family and how each individual set educational goals and accomplished them (mostly just to go back and get the GED) i kinda got motivated to go back and try to accomplish my original goals that i had given up on because of primarily financial reasons as well as ignorance and a fear of failing. so thanks mom.