shazz75's Journal

 These next few entries are mainly to help me. I can see how far i have come now and in a few months or more  i want to look back on these entries to see how things have improved.

Now I'm going to start to empty some of this stuff out. 

So much has happened this last year. Looking back the last 9 months i have just existed, not dead, not living,  just being. I have reached out to god on and off but couldn't feel him, couldn't feel anything much except for the all consuming on and off feelings of numbness, shock, pain and the agony that accompanies this cycle of grieving.  I know god has been there but i guess my heart just wasn't in it. Thinking back i was in shock even before my darling left me. Just knowing what was to come couldn't be real, couldn't be true, couldn't be happening. He couldn't be dying. He just simply couldn't. There must have been a mistake i thought. They will see, these doctors. They make mistakes all the time and this was one of them. I was in denial. I couldn't comprehend that this man who was part of my life, part of me, who was living, breathing, thinking, talking, walking was going to leave me. He was going to die. He didn't want to die, he told me so. He just blurted it out one morning and that made it real. The deafening silence at that moment took my breath away and I was lost for words.  He had accepted god into his own life and i wish so much that i could have said something to comfort him. I had faith, I had a strong belief in god and i knew about heaven, but i hadn't accepted the truth yet, i couldn't grasp the reality of what was going to happen. I had no words. I had no voice. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I didn't know what to say. I wanted to say you are not going to die, don't worry it is just a mistake, everything is going to be just fine. Sometimes i think if i could have been able to say a prayer, or just something reasuring, comforting and loving he would have felt less afraid. I regret not taking that opportunity to reasure him about heaven. He needed me and words and i didn't have any. We are not prepared for this part of life.  We take it for granted that we will be together forever, we never think about the reality that one of us might not make it to old age or even middle age. Death, dying and grieving are almost taboo to talk about. No-one goes there. We are taught nothing at all. Is it any wonder then that when it happens we are suddenly hurled into a strange, isolated, lonely place. A place we don't belong, a place we know nothing about, a place that forces us to endure and work through feelings, emotions and pain we could never in our wildest dreams imagine. A place that no-one else can enter because for each and everyone their grief is their own.  We can't give it away, we can't loose it, we can't ignore it, we can't escape it. All we can do is to walk with it, along side it and get to know it. The more we get to know it the more power we have over it.  It will never leave us completely but it will get better.

 I couldn't eat and so i was put on some medication, some sort of anti-depressants in the hope it would allow me to keep something down. After we lost our darling man I stayed on them for  a few weeks and then stopped taking them. I was then put on valium and sleeping pills to help me through the tough days ahead. I preferred this as i could control how many i took and only consumed them when i was desperate for some relief. I rarely take them now and so i can see i have come a long way from those early days when i thought i was going to wither up and die.  The months behind me are a blurr. They are dark and confusing. They are me in a lost world, a place of despair and to be honest i don't remember much except the agonising pain and the struggle to survive day by day. My mind was constantly focused on him and what had happpened, trying to understand, trying to make sense of it, trying to wish him back, reaching out to him frightened of letting him go. My world as i knew it crashed and broke into tiny pieces. Nothing felt real, I was floating, trying to get a grip on something, but i had nothing to hold onto. My mind was out of control, my thoughts unhealthy, and i was unable to focus on anything. I didn't care about much either except the loss of my love. My nerves were on edge, i couldn't stand noise.  I spent many hours on the swing seat outside getting lost in my thoughts and  just listening to the birds and the wind in the trees and watching the clouds above.  For some reason these things bought me peace and suddenly became beautiful and i see the things that god has made in a whole new way. 

 So what  has changed.

Well, i dared to venture out from my place of hiding. With gentle nudging from family i packed and left for Qld to see my son and girlfriend with her parents.  One of the hardest parts was whenever we went somewhere my son and girlfriend and her parents would be holding hands and that is just so lovely, but there was me strolling along behind feeling all the pain of not having a hand to hold, the hand i always used to hold. I was one, not two as i had always known and been familiar with. So the whole trip was full of situations of me trying to be one and not two and watching the others doing the loving gestures we used to have. So, did i enjoy it?  There were some moments that were okay but overall No! ....Am i glad i went?....Yes! ....Why?.....because i did it. I took a step out into a place that terrified me. A place far away from home. A place away from the prison i had put myself in. The place i still feel most secure and safe. My first big step forward! 

A week later l was invited to a 50th birthday. Couldn't possibly i thought. I couldn't go out without him, but at the same time this person was special to him so my oldest daughter said she would come with me and even if we only stayed an hour or two people would understand.  I hadn't been out anywhere in all these months. (socially). So i went with every bone in  my body screaming out that it would just be too hard. Did i enjoy myself?...no!....Am i glad i went?...yes!....why?.....because now i know i can. Now i know each little step i take forward on my own as hard and uncomfortable as it may be is a giant step toward me learning to survive as one person, not two. 

3 weeks ago i applyed for a part time job which i knew was coming up vacant. Didn't want to, really wanted my year off just to take my time to recover enough to be able to function mentally at a level where my grief wouldn't be so obvious, but the opportunity poked it's ugly head right under my nose and so i was confused and thought i may not get the same opportunity later.  I got the job and was offered another job in the same week. I took the second job adn start on the weekend. I am a little nervous, but confident that this is god's plan for me. Maybe it will be good to have some direction.

 I also started back at church 2 weeks ago. I haven't been since my hubby's service. I knew it would be hard as the last time i was there his coffin was out the front. It was hard but i got through it with a lot of tears and the second time was easier.  So a few weeks have changed my life dramatically. 

So much has happened recently and i feel as though i am making progress at last by challenging my fears of living a life without my love. So that is all about me for now, the next entry will be about some challenges i face with 2 of my kids.

Another month gone. this one seemed so very long. It  has taken longer to get through. It's weird really because even though it feels like that it also feels fast. I am not home for this eight month mark, but still have your picture here with me, the one i always look at, the one that is all around at home.  You would be proud of me. I am visiting Ry and Abs and even though it has been so hard I am glad i did it. I love them to much and they have enjoyed having their two 'mummies' here.  The eight month mark is  not easier as i though it would be but i am managing. I am used to all these feelings of loss now that have become part of my life, part of me as i battle with  emotions i never knew existed as they tear my soul apart most days but i am so thankful for the days when i feel okay.  It's a journey i never expected, but have no choice but to follow.  I have learnt so much about myself, my strenghts, my weaknesses, my limits, a whole new range of emotions that must surely make me a stronger person. I have learnt how to live when i thought i would die, i will learn to recover from this in time and i imagine will grown so much as a person. There must be a reason we have to go through this,  learning how to deal with unimaginable pain. Will it make us so tough that nothing can hurt us so badly again. Will god use this to help others. I do see that I will get through and will have learned so much about myself and the limits of my own pain.

I stand here gazing at you as i do and it seems you are gazing right back at me with that twinkle in your eyes. I study your face intensely, every line, every mark, every feature i knew so well.  I run my fingers slowly across your brow and down your cheek, across those lips where we used to meet. Your hair is neat, you liked it short, you would come to me and say........got time for a haircut darl ............and out would come the shears and a number 3.  You liked me to cut your hair, I don't know why, i had many a mishap with scissors and those shears, oops!! i would go horrified at my little slip-up but you nevr cared and if you did it never showed. You always had your beanies i guess to cover up my little mistakes, and i did become very good at it, i miss cutting your hair. I loved your big forehead and blue eyes the best .  My gaze moves down and studies your neck and the scar that became part of you when they cut you open in 2002. I remember that year well, it was so tough of you my strong man, your braveness shone through but it didn't have to, we all knew your pain. It took years to recover, not once a complaint but that was just you.  Now looking at your arms i knew so well. The arms i yearn to have around me, to cuddle, to hold, to do all the men things they used to do. I see every hair, every muscle flexing through, not that you were a big man but you were still strong and these arms are just how i remember them.  My eyes scan down to the precious watch your dad gave to you, you wore it with pride and it never left your side.  I play with it sometimes thinking i will still feel you in it as it is one of the closest things i have of yours and i know how much it meant to you. I had it with me day and night when you left me, i didn't let it go, but now it sits right here in front of your photo, i've given it back to you. Then those hands, those special beautiful hands. It was always a mystery to me that you worked with them all the time building and doing man things and yet they were so smooth and unlined, pale with a very english porcelain  complextion.  You just had exquisit hands and you would always reach out to join them with mine day or night.  You liked to hold hands wherever we went and in bed you would always grab my hand to go to sleep. That's all i can see of you sitting there, i love this picture it is so you.  I like that i know every inch of you and i can dream away, it's almost real.  As i run my fingers slowly over you i can pretend for a minute or two that it's not a picture but really you.